Because life is too short to watch all of Wrestlemania IV.
I haven’t written a decent article in a while but with Wrestlemania it seemed a good enough excuse as any. Because the fanbase for Botchamania seems to be ages 8 to 88, I need to remind myself that everybody has seen everything. I am also aware that I am increasingly being considered a ‘guru’ of sorts in regards to wrestling because I’m one of the few ‘internet personalities’ (ugh) to not watch wrestling ironically.
Which brings me to Wrestlemania Abridged. There are a lot of Wrestlemanias with a lot of matches, skits and interviews on them. We all have one life to live (unless you’re Hindu), so you should really enjoy it to it’s fullest and not watch stuff Dino Bravo matches unless it’s absolutely necessary.
Thanks to the beauty of sites like YouTube and Dailymotion, we don’t even need to make homebrewed DVD compilations of All Killer, No Filler Wrestlemania moments. And thanks to this article, you don’t even need to think or make lists yourselves! You just let Uncle Maffew think for you and click the video links below.
(I’ll be separating the categories via Matches, Segments and Crap. Because Crap is fun for some. And there’s plenty of it at Wrestlemania >.> The following selections are my own opinion. Feel free to disagree or suggest your own lists.)
The line-up for the first Wrestlemania consists of solid if unspectacular matches, so you really only really *need* to watch the main event. In 2012, everything 80s is worshipped and adored so the main event with MISTER FUCKING T WRESTLING should please the hipsters and the pressence of Piper and Orndorff should please everybody else.
On the undercard I’d only recommend Steamboat/Borne. Far from Steamboat’s best, but half-good Steamboat is still better than most. Plus there’s the novelty of pre-Doink Borne.
Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff and Freddy Blassie celebrating after their Tag Title victory is easily more fun than the match itself. ”Gene Mean!”
Aside from that, there’s the segment which made a lot of people want to watch Wrestlemania I to begin with: Hogan and Mr. T talking to Richard Belzer. Long story short, Hogan gets annoyed at Belzer’s questions and tightly locks in a choke-hold on Belzer…and then releases him causing him to brain himself on the floor. ”Don’t worry, he’s just sleeping.”
The other reason to watch Wrestlemania I involved Captain Lou Albano, Wendi Richter (!), Lelani Kai (!!) and Cyndi Lauper (!!!). It’s a country mile away from 2012 Diva wrestling but still manages to be a mess.
This is probably the only time Cyndi will get mentioned on this blog (God willing), so here’s another essential wrestling moment involving her.
God I hate Wrestlemania II. Luckily for you I have the gift of Alchemy and can turn crap into gold.
Generally considered the first great Wrestlemania match, The Dream Team vs. The Bulldogs (with Ozzy Osbourne in their corner, which must have been like mixing cocaine with…more cocaine). Obviously Greg Valentine, Dynamite Kid and Davey Boy bring the goods (especially Kid’s ludicrous end-of-match bump) but it’s worth noting that Brutus Beefcake holds his own too. He wasn’t always Hogan’s lackey.
The Funks (Terry and er, Hoss) vs. JYD & Tito Santana is another lighthouse in a fog of shite. Funk defies his age for approximately the 700th time in his career and bumps on the concrete like it’s nothing.
It has to be Jake Roberts’ unleashing his snake onto unsuspecting jobber George Wells, causing Wells to foam at the mouth. What a way to get a gimmick over. Also interesting is how much offence Roberts gives Wells.
None of Piper’s demented promos on Mr. T from the event are on the ‘tube. I can’t find the ”Mr. T is the only man I know who wears more chains than his ancestors” promo either, so here’s general Piper/T goodness instead.
Christ, where to begin?
The ‘Where’s The Beef?’ woman’s introduction by Mean Gene is easily the funniest moment of the show, for all the wrong reasons.
I have yet to figure out what the hell happens during Moolah/McIntyre, or if it was supposed to end like that. If it was, then WOW. I’ve heard the rumour that McIntyre’s top ripped/tore off/she got injured before, but never had a chance to confirm it. *shrug*
Corporal Kirchner has the nerve to blade in a match lasting two minutes.
The late, great Adrian Adonis tries his best to make UNCLE ELMER look like a threat, but not even Atlas could carry this lump on his back. Got to love Elmer falling over whilst delivering a punch.
Don’t watch the Piper/Mr. T Boxing match. Watch WWE and Piper’s retelling of said farce instead. It’s healthier.
The Randy Savage/George Steele match is a mess anyway, but when you put Susan St. James over the top of it, it becomes unwatchable. (Warning: Video will hurt your brain)
Wrestlemania III. So-called because it’s at least three times better than the previous Wrestlemania. One of the main reasons is a match so obvious it’s almost an insult to type ”yeah you should probably watch this match”.
Elsewhere, most of Wrestlemania III is worth watching to be honest. All the matches have a purpose as opposed to the previous two FuckItLetsHaveAMatchManias.
BREAK BACKS, FUCK ASSES and other five-year old memes. Also funny to note that Iron Sheik’s recollections of the match don’t quite fit the reality…
Not crap but not everyone’s definition of entertaining either, Bundy/Jim is definitely a ‘Only in wrestling’ momentm. A bald giant with no eyebrows attacks midgets teaming with a hillbilly.
Billy Jack Haynes/Hercules defies logic and is somehow good, but I’m putting it in the crap section just because Billy Jack claims he was supposed to headline Wrestlemania III, which is one of the most deluded things I’ve ever heard from a wrestler.
Speaking of delusional, every fan needs to watch Hogan slam a 500lb/600lb/700lb/800lb Andre right over his head, considering Andre died a few months later/two weeks later/immediately after the match/during the introductions.
The match is so famous, even Capcom paid tribute to it.
Join me next time for Wrestlemanias IV and V: The Trump Years! Agree/Disagree with the selections? Leave your thoughts below then, silly.