It all returns to nothing, it all comes tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down

It all returns to nothing, I just keep letting me down, letting me down, letting me down…


The last month of Impact Wrestling on Spike. A shame, but at least it got another deal with lesser-paying Destination America rather than ”nowt.”


I suggested on Twitter that Impact was going to end with Magnus accepting a job to become a Priest in America and the rest of the roster going with him. This caused a lot of people to suggest how they though how Impact was going to end and here’s some of the best replies:


Everyone turns to orange goo until only Jarrett is left as he destroys the last guitar on Earth over the TNA logo? (me)


Dixie watches Grumpy Cat on Raw and presses the self-destruct button whilst muttering ”Maybe death isn’t so bad.” (me)


Final match is a blindfold match with the blindfold placed over the camera (wykah)


Dixie puts Don’t Stop Believin’ on the Jukebox. Bobby Rooooo & EY enter the diner, Dixie looks up, smiles. Fade to black. (FackenBoolshet)


A bloody, mangled, puppet cat crawls over, and with their dying breath, presses a big red button to reset the universe. (rjoconnell)


In the Trenches the Carter family run out. Cuts to b&w in slow motion (Its_Stin)


TNA’ll try to fade to black but knowing them they’ll fade to yellow. (me again)


After EC III sacrifices himself for Dixie, He regenerates into Jeff Jarrett and says “Change my dear.” (cdulaney85)


Bobby Roode finds a valuable watch in an old gear bag Jarrett left behind. He and Aries sell it and become millionaires. (HulkingLungfish)


A ladder match between EC3 & Bobby Roode for the title. The ladder leaves as champion as we cut to black. #RussoSwerve (Richy)


…and then impossibly you see a photograph of Jeff Jarrett at a ball at a creepy old wrestling hall in 1922 (alanmonolith)


camera pans out from Impact Zone, Eric Young is sitting in the floor, holding a snow globe…(frau brittanica)


Dixie MVP and Angle on a coach teetering over a cliff with a TV Deal Contract the other side. “Hang on lads, i’ve got an idea!” (ukronin)


Dixie takes off in helicopter, looks to ground, sees message written in painted white stones, “Just $9.99” #SuicideIsPainless (BlackBlur14)


Dixie goes into stasis and wakes up years later where her only companion is hologram Russo and a creature who evolved from Taz (BazMcMahon)


Dixie, Jarrett, Russo and TNA alumni sing Jailhouse Rock inside of a prison over the credits. (LewwyDear)


Dixie is cleaning the bar as a man walks up, only for her to say “sorry we’re closed” (Eoin_ODughaill)


Vince, Dixie and Jarrett all shoot each other simultaneously with TNA lying on the ground. Triple H runs off with the jewels. (CMGrainger)


Kurt Angle, possessed by the spirit of Raven smashing his head of a mirror shouting “Where’s Grado?” (ctremors)


Dixie goes to watch her company get pulped, takes some of it home in a bag. “Needless to say, I had the last laugh.” (pcm14)


Jeff Jarrett attempts to kill them all dressed as a cow but is thwarted. Post-credits he achieves this disguised as Dixie (StuBram2)


Xplosion Match where TNA actually explodes (VivianSahm)


Jarrett convinces Rachel not to move to France as they walk out of Dixie’s office, leaving their keys on her desk (IAmEllerbee)


Jarrett & Dixie get into a rowboat to fish. Jarrett shoots Dixie in the back as Vince watches from his house. (PocketVolcano)


Poppa Carter is the last to exit the Impact Zone before leaping. (DAREALGUMMY)


DQ in a Cage Match. (LordXenu925)


at the top of the lighthouse, we find out iMPACT! Was an elaborate experiment to cure Abyss’ madness (Gewgs)


MVP wakes up to find Impact was a virtual reality game… and that he’s not quite the same? (CaptainXDave)



“I must go now. My planet needs me.” *Impact Died on the way back to its home planet.” (DisneyandBeyond)


I’ve seen things you won’t believe.reverse battle royals,midgits fapping in trash cans,cheex..time to die (assclown_jr)


So, let’s watch the last month on Spike and see if any of the above happened.


5th November


Dramatic promo starts in black and white then switches to colour like Wizard Of Oz covers Roode winning a four-way to earn a title shot against TNA Champ Bobby Lashley and his title-winning match. Oh! With all the talk of Impact’s demise I thought Lashley was still the champ. Well, I’m learning things.


Roode’s graphic shows his name and his Twitter handle and another graphic comes up advertising the replica title belts being on sale in November (like the show, eyyyy), but nothing’s on there about him being the champ. I know he’s holding the title belt, but it’s weird they didn’t update his graphic to say TNA CHAMPION ROODE or something.


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He talks in ring with Commissioner Kurt Angle about how much winning the title means to him and how the people (points to the people, the people go ”yay he’s pointing at us”) are great and it’s How To Be A Good Guy 101 until casually dressed Lashley, MVP and Kenny King come out.


MVP blasts Roode on the mic and blames Roode winning on everything but Lashley. They’re in the dangerous WWE territory of turning a guy face (Roode) and killing off his cool factor because he has to be talking about the people (pause, wait for the people to cheer, continue) whereas heel MVP is being a beautiful bastard on the microphone and he’s more entertaining. MVP makes the mistake of saying it was only due to a knee injury that Lashley got the title shot in the first place, causing Lashley to bug out a bit and…that’s the end of the segment. Bit abrupt, but it got the point across.


Samoa Joe and Low Ki are backstage talking about how they’re going to beat The Hardys in the Tag Team Tournament Semi-Final. Joe and Ki get mic time but The Hardys don’t? Work to your strengths, TNA!


Samoa Joe & Low Ki vs. The Hardys (Tag Team Title Number One Contender Qualifier)


Joe’s the X-Division Champion, by the way. These four guys feel like main eventers who got lost and walked into the wrong match. Joe & Ki take turns pounding Matt until they double-team Ki to regain the advantage. I like that, Hardys are a better team but Ki and Joe have the singles advantage. Joe’s wearing a shirt for some reason. Surely being a Samoan wrestler means you can get away with not having a Rob Terry physique?


Back from the break, it’s falling apart which works for The Hardys as they have all these cool moves that are best executed when the ref’s not forcing rules. Jeff apparently died during the break though so Ki destroys Matt with the Warrior’s Way. Oh here’s Jeff to break the pin, thanks Jeff. Joe gets Matt in the submission choke but Jeff Swantons them both. Jeff is able to out-kick Ki which feels wrong but he follows with another Swanton and dives onto Joe on the outside as Matt gets the pin for The Hardys.


Jeff’s been eating his porridge. Match was decent but felt like we only got half of it due to the advert break. No mention of a TNA App either.


Backstage, Roode whispers a promo. He’s pissed at MVP because he got suspended by him months ago. He sounded better here than in the ring, even if him whispering the first bit made me think he was filming this at home and his Mam had gone to bed.


Hype video for the Gunner and Sam Shaw feud. Good God, is this still on? Anderson sent Shaw to the asylum, Gunner helped him rehab and reform. They had this nice rarely-done-this-subtly wrestling storyline about Anderson feuding with Shaw because he’d been in an asylum and Gunner defended him saying he was OK now that had an interesting moral-debate about if you can be fully rehabilitated or if you never get better. Like…I dunno, Carlito’s Way. But with surnames.


Shaw’s turned on Gunner because a hot woman told him to, so the nice bit of the feud has gone. Doesn’t help that Shaw’s interview skills are filled with WWE exposition crap like ”I turned on Gunner who I saw as a big brother!” He starts riding Britney (the hot woman) who’s like ”I’m gonna do stuff to you tonight tee hee” and they make out as crowd members go and get some overpriced drinks.


Gunner comes out and says ”Well I guess crazy attracts crazy”. Yeah I was right, the cool bit of the feud has well and truly gone. Gunner had two great matches with James Storm this year but he’s still not a made guy. Probably because he still doesn’t have a surname. He gets punched in the cock and choked out by Shaw to deafening silence. Shaw and Britney make out over his corpse, just like Cyclops and Emma Frost.


Promo package for TNA’s newest signing, Mahabali Shera. At this point, he’d be financially better off staying in India.


Backstage, MVP talks to Angle and nothing of note is said. That’s one of TNA’s weaknesses, too many backstage segments where nothing happens. On one hand, it’s good they have the camera hidden rather than having wrestlers talk to it (like t’other company) but on the other hand the segments are usually pointless or not fun so you’re left wishing they would talk to the camera.


Magnus & Bram vs. Devon & Tommy Dreamer (Hardcore Match)


The ECW Veterans bomb-rush the Brits Without Surnames and there’s a brawl around the mini-arena to start. And I mean mini, the cameras are very careful to only show the side with people and as little as possible of the other two sides with fuck-all. The camera work’s quite distracting actually, you only notice editing when it’s bad and it’s all over the place to avoid the chairs dressed as fans. Anyway the Brits destroy Dreamer, because that’s what every able-bodied wrestler should be doing. He gets the drop toe-told onto a set-up chair until Magnus tries a dive to the outside but Devon twats him with a bin lid and Devon goes mildly crazy. Devon’s always been over with TNA fans. Magnus and Bram go to double-superplex Dreamer but Devon instead er, instigates the Tower Of Doom spot by slamming all three. Well that hurts Dreamer most of all you fecking eejit. If you’re doing spots for the sake of doing spots then don’t expect people to not get too excited for the wrestling. Devon sets up a table (which is more over than anybody in the match, even Devon) and quickly puts Bram through with by bouncing his head off the rope. Dreamer sends Magnus into a bin and a DDT ends it.


I switched off after the Tower Of Doom spot. Match felt like it was there to pop the crowd rather than achieve anything worthwhile.


Backstage, Gail Kim says some things.


Spud comes out to be interviewed about the loss and how much he liked his best friend EC3…until he turned into a WANKER. Americans love that word. Well, so do we. Crowd loves Spud and Jeremy Borash even gives him his seal of approval. EC3 hears the ruckus and enters the arena via Quantum Leap.


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EC3 has Tryus (Brodus Clay) with him and they try to drag an apology out of Spud but all he apologies for is EC3 being a ”big-nosed douchebag” which causes a brawl with Eric Young making the save and hopefully a new book of insults for Spud. This segment continued a feud, was mildly entertaining and the crowd was into it. Hurrah!


Gail Kim vs. Havok (Knockouts Title)


Kim tries to bomb-rush Havok during her intro (like a good guy!) but Havok destroys her for a few minutes before kicking her off the stage. We go to break with Kim surrounded by referees, important people and Simon Diamond. At least Havok won the morale victory…oh, she’s a heel?


After the break, the match is called off but Kim demands to continue. She goes on all-out attack mode, but Havok ends up dumping her face-first on the stairs outside. This naturally sets up a Stairs Match on the next PPV, due 2016. Havok stops the referee from counting her out so she can drag Kim back in for more pain and grinning. Havok’s an impressive newcomer and you might as well borrow the Kim vs. Awesome Kong blueprint because it’s one that works. Havok and Kim both kick out of each other’s finishers but just as it looks like Kim could win with something off the top rope, Havok choke-slams her for the pin and retention. Good stuff here.


Previously taped Backstage, Shera eats at a cafeteria but has to sit by himself like in a prison drama. Then Manik introduces himself and that’s it. Some of these segments feel like they’re from another completely different show.


Backstage, Lashley leaves without saying why to MVP.


Bobby Roode vs. MVP (TNA Title)


Crowd’s alive for this because MVP’s bringing several bags of personality. He’s also acknowledging the crowd rather than acting like they’re not there (or at least pretending they are there. MVP’s a pro). The match isn’t very long and doesn’t go anywhere, sadly. Roode misses a blockbuster but comes back to finish MVP pretty easily. Huh.


Post-match Lashley attacks Roode but ignores MVP. And that’s the end.


12th November


Backstage, Lashley (still wearing a hat) asks King where Lashley is, who tells him he doesn’t know. So Lashley throws a steel tray at a door.


James Storm (as Bray Wyatt) comes to the ring with Sanada & Manik (as Harper & Rowan) calls out The American Wolves and demand they join The Revolution. Eddie & Davey tease being split on the decision to join Storm, but it’s a ruse and they call them crazy instead. So they get destroyed and Storm smashes a chair over Richard’s leg and smashes a briefcase over Eddie. A small Fire Russo chant starts for no reason. Storm reveals his briefcase allows him a tag title shot anytime, anywhere. Well it would have been nice of the commentators to have mentioned that.


James Storm & Manik (well, he was on the apron at the time) vs. The American Wolves (Tag Titles)


Eddie kicks out of the quick pin attempt which causes Abyss to come out (with music) and Storm reveals Abyss is the newest member. Abyss beats up both Wolves and tags Storm in for the win and the titles.


Storm looked like a bitch by not only cashing in MITB after a sneak attack but also revealing his new reveal in the same match, as if Manik or Sanada couldn’t help him win a match against a cripple and Eddie. Felt like two angles stuck together which lessened the impact (hurrr) but should mean some good rematches. Still, way too much in one segment.


Wait, what about that Tag Tournament thing then? Where’s The Hardys?


Madison Rayne vs. Taryn Terrell


The commentators talk about how finally Terrell is getting her revenge, but they don’t show any clips to show what henious things Madison has been up to. One of WWE’s best attributes is reminding you what’s been happening, so you can pick up on who is doing what even if it’s your first ever episode. Sure, it means they drill a lot of stuff into you but at least you’re not left out. Anyway, Terrell and Rayne had a pretty good match that got some nice responses from the crowd with Terrell winning.  And as always, TNA cuts away immediately after apparently getting her revenge rather than letting the moment last.


Backstage, Lashley wants Roode but Angle’s like ”he’s not here” so Lashley threatens Angle.


Backstage, Manik continues to butter up Shera.


Kenny King talks about how great Lashley is and calls out Chris Melendez (the army guy with one leg). Melendez brings Anderson with him so he’s got two handicaps. Crowd chants ”USA” at evil foreigner Kenny. Every time a solider or patriot gimmick is brought in, I cringe because they’re all exactly the same and it’s always wrestling at it’s most exploitative. Especially now with a guy with a fake leg! Blah blah if you don’t like America you can leave it blah blah I know we have the freedom of speech but shut up blah blah. King gets a good line on Anderson though: ”God gave everybody one mouth and one arsehole and I’m not sure which one you’re talking through right now.”


Chris is learning, as he nails a THESE PEOPLE *points* BELIEVE IN ME *waits for USA chants* bit. King nails Anderson and just runs away. Thanks King.


Backstage, Angle makes Tyrell & Kim vs. Havok for next week.


The Beautiful People & The Bromans vs. The Menagerie (Elimination Rules)


Three-on-four match. Bromans & Beautiful go well together but I’m still amazed TBP are still in TNA after all these years. Love gets rolled up by Rebel (the female one) quickly. Tenay remarks that we can expect wrestlers going for quicker pin-falls than usual due to the elimination aspect of the match. Yes, but why do they work more effectively in elimination matches? Knux comes in and does a cart-wheel. Sadly this doesn’t help him when Jesse and Zema double-team him and hold him down for the elimination. Steve then rolls-up Zema immediately afterwards to eliminate him too. I wonder why this was even elimination if this is they’re going to fast-forward through a full-length match. Rebel gets sprayed in the face by Love and is eliminated, leaving Steve against Velvet and Jessie. He gets press-slammed by Jessie but Velvet wants the pin…and Steve eliminates her via lip-lock. Jessie powerbombs Steve but Steve manages to overcome and Tornado DDT Steve for the win.


If that read like a fast mess,then good. This is the match with this screenshot (if you were watching in Australia):



Backstage, Jeremy Borash & Eric Young discuss swelling until Rockstar Spud offers to be in EY’s corner tonight.


Backstage, Storm & his Merry Men celebrate a win but aren’t happy when Shera shows up. Storm tells him to bugger off.


It’s funny how all the members of the group have sinister sounding voices and try to ham it up like sci-fi villains, but Manik speaks and acts like a normal dude with a mask on.


Eric Young (with Spud) vs. Tyrus (with EC3)


Tyrus beating up Young is fun to watch. He’s almost a retro act here given the death of big, fat bad guy wrestlers. It’s 2014 though so Young manages to slam Tyrus (!!) but EC3 distracts, allowing Tyrus to immediately recover. Well what was the point of slamming him then? Young pushes Tyrus off the top rope and finishes him with an elbow drop.


Enjoyable until Tyrus lost despite interference. I should just accept that part of wrestling is dead, given how Rowan and others slam Big Show on a weekly basis.


Lashley runs out (still in hat) and spears EY. Spud does a runner because he’s smart and Lashley Pillmanises EY’s arm. He then locks in a chair-assisted crossface whilst shouting ”Roode! ROODE!!” I take it back, Crazy Lashley is great. Roode isn’t here so Aries makes the save instead. Aries challenges him tonight and that’s our main event.


Backstage, Sam Shaw’s lass lies and tells Shaw that Gunner came onto him which boils Shaw’s blood and he walks away. His lass gets a cheeky grin as he leaves. So, Shaw is really wound up for the match now? The match that’s already No DQ? Written with crayon, this show.


Clips of Samoa Joe being put into an ambulance from last week. There was no mention of him suffering an injury, so this is out of nowhere. Joe claims he isn’t medically cleared tonight and hasn’t been cleared for a while. Didn’t stop Angle. Joe says the fans deserve better and he vacates the X-Division Title. He’s gonna go home, get better and he’ll come for whoever holds the belt. Bleak segment, but crowd was respectful.


Next week there’ll be a four-way match with Low Ki, Tigre Uno, Manik and DJ Z. I know the show is pre-taped but it really takes you out of the show when they IMMEDIATELY show a graphic for next week’s match for the title. At least wait a match or two.


Clips from last week’s hardcore match match air then Bram challenges Dreamer to another hardcore match next week. He does this right before a No DQ match is about to take place, lessening the impact (hurrr) a bit.


Sam Shaw vs. Gunner (No DQ)


Shaw hides behind a spotlight for Gunner while his lass distracts him. They brawl and exchange chairshots until Devil Wohmaaaan distracts Gunner he gets planted onto the steps. Shaw is intercepted after a dive which sets up Gunner superplexing him onto a pile of chairs. Shaw tries to crawl away so he powerbombs Shaw from the ring onto the stairs. Britney stops the pin and kicks Gunner in the groin, allowing Shaw to chairshot Gunner. Gunner’s a manly mother though and he sucks it up to F5 Shaw onto the pile of chairs and that is definitely it.


Good match and they worked hard. If only the writers did the same this could have been a turning point for Gunner.


Austin Aries vs. Bobby Lashley


Sweet match. Bobby’s great because he looks unbeatable and wrestles like it too and Aries is Aries. Lashley suplexes Aries like he’s nothing and Aries has to resort to biting to regain the advantage. Even Taz steps it up, explaining why Aries spins to throw elbows. Aries relies on flying off the top rope too often though, and Lashley shoves him off to the floor and spears him on the outside, drawing a double-countout. Lashley doesn’t give a fuck and press slams Aries on the outside and locks in the crossface until referees break it up.


Best TNA match of November. I’m serious when I say (type) that Lashley’s the most improved of 2014.


19th November


And here we are.


Recap of the Lashley vs. Roode saga. MVP & King have his back, but Lashley doesn’t care for them.


Roode’s out and isn’t happy about Lashley beating up his friend EY. He wants Lashley, with no refs and no rules. More No DQ/hardcore matches? Yeesh. Roode being serious about beating up Lashley would help if he wasn’t already at Lance Storm levels of serious already. They brawl around the crowd until the security separate it and YET AGAIN they cut away from the segment way before it’s over, making the whole thing look artificial. And yeah, I know it’s a bit to set up a later bit but that doesn’t mean you have to be reminded you’re watching a heavily edited pre-taped show.


Backstage, EC3 brags about EY being out. Needed a maniacal laugh.


Hype video with Street Fighter 4 music for Havok defending against Gail Kim and Tyrell tonight.


Havok vs. Gail Kim vs. Taryn Tyrell (Knockouts Title)


They go through all that hype for how dangerous Havok is and Tyrell comes out smiling and dancing. Ah well. Gail Kim’s nursing her knackered shoulder. Kim tries to bomb-rush Havok again but she swats her and Tyrell away. Kim and Tyrell eventually figure out they need to work together (which doesn’t make any sense as they both asked Angle last week for the match because she was so dangerous, so why they weren’t teaming up to start is OH FORGET IT, LET’S MOVE ON). Havok recovers and drops Tyrell face-first on the guard-rail. And then spinebusters Kim on the outside. Well, I was going to type ”She’s booked similarly to Lashley but it’s a good formula but at least they’re not doing the same spots” and then that happened and I had to delete it. See this should be an easy match to like and they’ve messed it up in some of the most basic ways. Tyrell stretches Havok over the rope and Kim dives off the top rope to the oustide to hurt her arm. That was something. Havok’s asleep so Tyrell and Kim go at it but that just provides us with the TNA favourite THE TOWER OF DOOM with Havok dropping Kim dropping Tyrell. It’s the last episode so guest stars everywhere I guess. I hope Shark Boy shows up. Both challengers finally realise that they can only take out Havok by spamming moves on her, but then Kim tries to roll up Tyrell who counters and pins Kim for the win and the title.


The match worked if you ignore the negatives. That same statement can be used for TNA as a whole though.


Backstage, MVP moans at King about not being respected and needs to remind people what MVP is about. King finishes with ”Now that’s what I’m talking about!”, presumably auditioning for a Hollywood movie from the 90s.


Roode is now super-super-serious backstage, all spitting and red-faced like a Samurai Shodown fighter. He promises to blahblahabaahah for the people and the title and I’m not a fan of good guy Roode.


Kenny King vs. Chris Melendez


I’ve not seen Chris wrestle yet but even with one leg he’s gotta be better than listening to Tenay & Tazz go on and on about HE DEFENDED OUR COUNTRY, HE’S AMERICAN, HE DEFENDED OUR AMERICAN COUNTRY. King rolls down his knee-pad and points at his fully-functioning leg. I love King and he’s pissing this crowd off so they’re now at ‘angry crickets’ level. King takes a breather so he can insult fans and sucker-kick Chris. King locks in a camel clutch and talks to the camera ”Hi, I’m Chris!” They should just rename the show Impact Wrestling Featuring Kenny King. King jumps in but lands right on a big boot, causing the commentators to flip out about OH MY GOD HE LIFTED HIS ROBOT FOOT UP REAL HIGH but myself and the crowd were unfazed. It’s not like he’s a big fat guy with a fake leg, he’s a former army dude wrestler so it was assumed he could lift his leg up a bit. A Fisherman Suplex by Chris causes Tenay to go ”That was amazing too!” What, that the wrestler can wrestle? He gives King a running big boot but MVP has had enough of this positive discrimination and beats Chris with a chair. King seems confused as to why MVP interfered, but it was obvious MVP needed to get in there before Chris started busting out the really dangerous moves like Fallaway Slams or Snapmares. King still has the presence of mind to salute Chris on the ramp.


If I was putting this show together, King would be involved in every segment.


Backstage, Chris needs to be taken to a hospital (I’m sure he meant ‘medical facility’) but luckily his mate Anderson is there to vow revenge for other handicapped wrestling fans like Eric The Actor.


EC3 in the ring slates Spud and says he slapped Borash so hard, his family died. That line needed work. EC3 wants Spud tonight and here Spud is, with his lovely Opa Suit that only cool people wear. EC3 orders Tyrell to stay outside the ring, no matter what. EC3 even gives Spud the first shot to the face but Spud…kicks him in the balls. EC3 boy-handles him until Tyrell waddles in and fucks him up. Oh, I thought they were going to do the Young Frankenstein joke where EC3 gets beat up and Tyrell does nothing because he was told not to interfere. Instead EC3 cuts off some of Spud’s hair. Well that was another bleak segment.


Backstage, Angle shouts at King until MVP chair-shots Angle from behind. ”That should have been done a long time ago.”


If you haven’t seen the show in a while, here’s what he looks like (courtesy of Anthony Ammo)



Bram comes out for his match and we get a recap of him beating people up. It’s well done and shows he’s a bit weird and dark and Yooorkshiiire…but we still only know his first name and nothing else.


Bram vs. Tommy Dreamer (Hardcore Match)


Amazing that Dreamer is still doing ‘hit people with shit’ matches. Now a generation will remember him as the fat guy who gets massive cheers and has slow-motion twatting contests every now and again. Dreamer bleeds early on and uses a fan’s TNA toy belt on Bram. Bram tries to wipe some of Dreamer’s blood on his chest but there isn’t enough to appear visible. Then we get all the clunky spots we know and er love from Dreamer. I feel like I’ve been watching post-ECW Dreamer matches longer than Dreamer’s actually been wrestling. Bram (now bleeding) lifts his foot on a Bram dive and DDTs him for two. Taz calls the kickout ”impressive.”  Dreamer gets a barbed-wire chair from under the ring which perks my interest but Magnus runs in and both Brits With Only Surnames begin to double-team….until a JACKED Al Snow runs in and takes out Magnus. Dreamer cheese grates Bram as Tenay talks about the ”old way of extreme” and made sure to emphasise ”old”. Dreamer gets thrown in the barbed wire chair and Bram wins after a DDT


The last few minutes made up for the rest of the match but I’ll still forget the match happened…well now.


Backstage, an angry Angle promises revenge on MVP.


Backstage, Manik needs Shera to ‘awaken’ so Storm will like him. It’s funny how Manik keeps on touching Shera whenever he talks to him.


DJ Z vs. Tigre Uno vs. Manik vs. Low Ki


Tazz shouting ”TIGER ONE!” makes me spit my tea. Tenay claims Manik is a two-time X Champ, which confused me until I Googled and I forget he used to be Suicide. It’s a shame they changed the outfit with the name because I liked the skull design and it’s far better than the vaguely lucha outfit he has now. And Am I fuck going to type all this out. Spot of the month goes to Manik locking in a Mexican Surfboard to Tigre Uno, DJ interrupting to try to pin Manik (who’s still on his back) and Low Ki interrupting THAT with a double stomp to Tigre. Very nice! Lots of nice moves off the top rope follow from everybody. Slightly spoiled by Manik looking behind him and seeing Tigre coming off the top…but not moving because he’s supposed to get hit. I blame the camera crew for that one though. Low Ki finishes off Tigre Uno with a top rope Ki Krusher to regain the X-Title. Tenay’s quick to point out how appropriate it is Ki winning the title his tag partner vacated.


AND AGAIN we cut away from Ki’s celebration.


Backstage, MVP is angry with Lashley over the phone.


Backstage, Angle is walking quickly. In the opposite direction from the health check.


In the ring, Angle promises repercussions for MVP. MVP calls Angle a snitch and laughs at how Angle’s been reduced to threatening MVP with firing. Angle tries to attack MVP but King jumps him. Anderson tries to make the save but Lashley spears him instantly. This brings out Roode and they go at it once more…and the show ends with both men locked in eternal conflict as clips for the upcoming clips shows ends it.


Overall…


Maybe it’s watching the shows knowing the end is near, maybe it’s the over-dark, under-filled arenas or maybe it’s the HBO shaky-cam backstage segments, but Impact’s major weakness is it isn’t fun to watch most of the time. Super serious good guy Roode isn’t as fun as prick Roode, Bray Wyatt James Storm isn’t as fun as Cowboy James Storm, super-serious-don’t-smoke Anderson is somehow not as fun as Asshole Anderson etc.


Then there’s the new characters like Gunner, Shera and Bram who are (again) super-serious dudes with no character other than ”I wrestle”.


Oh and you know all those people who said TNA needed to get out of the Impact Zone and travel, as they did shows in the UK and elsewhere that were sold out and full of loud fans? Well this is the other end of the scale. I’m sure all three shows were done at the same venue but they could have filmed these shows on the moon and they’d get the same amount of atmosphere. This could  be down to the tech guys not micing the crowd properly, but that could also be wishful thinking. Either way, a quiet crowd can really fuck with your enjoyment of a show, hence me daring to critique paying (well hopefully) fans.


On the plus side, the trio of MVP, Lashley & King make up the bulk of the best bits of the show as their highlights are er highlighted (Lashley beating people up, MVP’s mic skills, King’s cocky in-ring stuff) and they’re worth watching the show for.


So feud-wise we have Angle vs. MVP, Lashley vs. Roode, Kenny King vs. Chris Gowan, James Storm’s Revolution vs. American Wolves and maybe The Hardys showing up.


A flawed show to say the least, but it’s not all doom and gloom as some would have you think. NXT’s taken exactly what Impact used to mean to people and ran with it though, so even with the reasons to watch, it’ll be interesting to see if anybody does once it resumes on Destination America.

  • Ben Dover

    The match of the month in TNA is a match that ends with a double countout? Goddamnit tna sucks, I hope they get fired from that other network as well

    • Shahbaz Nayyar

      Oh shut up. Almost every single Raw main event ends with DQ or interference.

      • Ben Dover

        and even then raw is still better than impact

        • Franke Sisto

          …but how much is that ACTUALLY saying?

          • Ben Dover

            Exactly.

  • MPT

    Where’s the first image from

  • Catherine Bouey

    From the Brian Alvare’s, to the Green Lantern fans, To The Dave Meltzers

    Never Mind that shit here comes MAFFEW.

  • Anthony

    “Backstage, Lashley (still wearing a hat) asks King where Lashley is, who
    tells him he doesn’t know. So Lashley throws a steel tray at a door.”

    I wish this is what actually happened.

    • MaffewOfBotchamania

      Ha, fuck. I should have replaced every noun with Lashley, to be safe.

      Backstage, Lashley (still wearing a Lashley) asks Lashley where Lashley is, who
      tells him he doesn’t know. So Lashley throws a steel Lashley at a Lashley.

      • StrongStyleFiction

        Being Bobby Lashley?

  • MPT

    Chris Melendez lost his leg and still can wrestle normally, hence his moves during his match have the right to be pointed out as amazing. Paying fans also are daring to critique you, Maffew.

    • Catherine Bouey

      Fans were criticizing Maffew long before the donations and Patreon. But we all know he doesn’t give a fuck…..unless he’s legitimately botched.

  • Franke Sisto

    Mahabali Shera?! Hmm… I’ve been wanting to see him in TNA for a while actually.

    On one hand, it’s too little too late. If they brought him in right after Ring Ka King aired in India a couple years ago, they could’ve made him seem exponentially more important… maybe do the World X Cup and bring Romeo Rapta (or Pagal Parinda), the Bollywood Boys, and him in as the captain of Team India. As a fan of Ring Ka King, that would’ve been cool… but at the same time, that wouldn’t’ve drawn in anyone who wasn’t already watching.

    But if we’re being optimistic, the delay’s likely a good thing. While he’s always had “The Look” and seemed like he connected well with the Indian crowd, he was HORRIBLE in the ring. I mean, he DID noticeably improve towards the end of the season (when they gave him the belt), but maybe that’s all just post-production editing doing its job.

    On that note… what’s it been? Two-and-a-half years since Ring Ka King? Maybe he’s had time to further develop in the ring. Maybe he’s ready now. It was painfully obvious back then how green he was; maybe TNA (or those in charge) knew what they were doing with him. I’m curious to see him wrestle now…

    Any others out there who watched RKK? Am I making sense over here?

  • Keenan Funk

    “It’s the last episode so guest stars everywhere I guess. I hope Shark Boy shows up.”

    Unfortunately, you just missed him by a few weeks. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2pczp1aYbg

  • After reading how TNA and Impact could have ended, I feel I have to make my own contribution.

    With Spike creating an entire Anti AT Field, the bodies of TNA’s roster, staff, and fans explode and are turned into a sea of LCL. Dixie wakes up facing Jeff Jarrett who tells her they can all exist in GFW, learning from New Japan Pro Wrestling. Dixie then decides that part of pro-wrestling is proposing and aproving terrible booking, hence the third impact fails. Before parting ways, Jarrett tells her that TNA will be regenerated in time.

    Dixie wakes up in the post-apocalyptic TNA (where a giant Samoa Joe-esque figure lies broken in half, next to an LCL sea) trying to choke the life out of Vince Russo, who is lying on the floor. Russo manages to disuade Dixie by handing her a new script. Carter begins to cry histerically and Russo whispers ‘Swerve’ before fading to black.

    (Hopefully somebody gets the reference).

  • zanatude

    Plus One for the Evangelion reference.

  • Shang Tsung

    Lets just all pray to Zubaz that TNA is better once they restart.

  • JD

    heres one, everyone is looking around, very nervous, then rockstar spud says to dixie “I have a plan sir”

    dixie: Really, spud? A cunning and subtle one?

    spud: Yes, sir.

    dixie: As cunning as a fox who’s just been appointed Professor of Cunning

    at Oxford University?

    spud: Yes, sir.

    Voice: On the signal, company will move to Destination America!

    dixie: Well, I’m afraid it’ll have to wait. Whatever it was, I’m sure it was

    better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad.

    I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?

    (whistle blows)

    spud: Good luck, everyone. (blows his whistle)

  • ColeYote

    “Kenny King talks about how great Lashley is and calls out Chris Melendez (the army guy with one leg). Melendez brings Anderson with him so he’s got two handicaps.”
    BEST LINE.

    Anyway, this sure is an article about stuff that happened three months ago. What’s going on in TNA now? Destination America? Never heard of it. I’m gonna check the Nielsen ratings.
    Sssssssssshit, TNA got a 0.1 for their first DA episode. Anyone know what ROH gets?