Back to typing about Raw due to one person asking me ”hey you know those articles you type up? yeah why’d you stop, you fuck?” So here’s Raw.
Ambrose isn’t here so Jericho talks to plant remains. I liked Ambrose/Jericho when they ignored the feuding talk shows crap and moved to being serious, but forcing a plant into the feud due to people’s tweets smells of ‘trying too hard’ sauce. WWE sees Ambrose as wacky but we see him as crazy and there’s a big difference. I’m old, I’m having none of it and fuck plants. Big Cass shows up.
”You may be the best in the world at what you do, but I am seven feet tall.”- Big Cass sums up WWE’s mind-set since 1983.
Backstage, Steph says she 1000% agrees with Jericho. She then puts Jericho in the main event against Cass and she mocks him. Jericho takes it because she’s Steph despite her bad understanding of math.
Ziggler eliminated Corbin from last week’s Battle Royal and he had a pussy pow-wow and beat up Ziggler afterwards so they’re wrestling tonight. One of the best things about the post-Wrestlemania season has been every segment feeling like something’s happening rather than two randomers showing up and the commentators talking about Alex Ferguson. Corbin counters Ziggler’s Deadliest Move In All Of Wrestling The Schoolboy to get a proper win over Ziggler.
Last Raw Natalya slapped Ric and put him in the Sharpshooter, which people told me was his punishment for getting drunk at an airport. How come when I got drunk at work they fired me? Extreme Rules is going to be submissions only with Flair banned from ringside. Ric ‘n’ Charlotte try to get Shane to reverse the decision but he disagrees and bans Ric from ringside tonight too. So both GMs are good guys who don’t take no crap from the bad guys? Great dynamic.
Now it’s R-Truth vs. Fandango and on Smackdown it’ll be Gorgeous Truth vs. Goldango. How come these fuckers get team names and Anderson & Gallows are left hanging? I’ll credit them for having the Truth and Goldust feudfriendshipwhateverthefuckitis last this long but the comedy’s been more miss than hit so ”eh.” Truth gets the win over Fandango after a distraction, crowd chanted ”We Want Sandow.”
Back to the weird world of backstage WWE where everyone’s made to stand in a particular place for the camera.
Director: ”OK, we’ve got the beautiful mise-en-scene sorted out, now everyone look natural!”
And then to make things sillier, Zayn interrupts but makes sure he appears on his mark and doesn’t ruin the shot. I zone out during these backstage bits and just wait for the commentators to tell me what I missed later.
Charlotte vs. Paige with Natalya on commentary. Paige gets to mock the Flair strut but camera’s more focused on Nat. Charlotte tries to cheat but Nat tells the ref, which brings out Ric. Shane O Mac and an amry of referees take Ric back to Shady Acres and Paige gets The Deadliest Move In All Of Wrestling The Schoolgirl on Charlotte. Charlotte needs Ric and/or bullshit to win so the build for a no Ric and/or bullshit match makes sense in an old-school way.
Zayn vs. Miz. If Zayn wins, he’s in the four-way at Extreme Rules. JBL calls bullshit on Zayn getting a IC Title shot when he lost at Payback. The drunk has a point. Miz tries to cheat but it doesn’t work so Zayn pins him with the Helluva Kick.
The IC Title scene is like rock, paper, scissors: Zayn beats Miz, Miz beats Cesaro (w/ help from Maryse), Cesaro beats Owens, Owens beats Zayn.
Last week Emma beat Becky Lynch in a bit of a surprise. As Becky is being interviewed, Emma shows up NXT’s very own Dana Brooke! They attack Becky and she gives her the pat on the head. They’re not going to wait until the PPV for that move?
Cameron: Hey, WWE could do with a new bad girl in the Women’s Division!
WWE: Good idea!
*releases Cameron, brings up Dana Brooke*
Darren Young asks Bob Backlund to be his life couch. Too early to tell what this is yet.
We go to Up Up Down Down with Ziggler. On Raw? Aw no, it turns into another horrible advert this time for Pizza Hut. They eat pizza but DON’T USE THE DIP. What the fuck.
Owens asks Ryder ”Why do you exist?” That’s a bit too close Kev.
Reigns & Usos get interviewed and they still don’t do or say anything other than ”We are family, uhhsss.” Big deal, we’ve all got family we’re not all test-tube babies like Tom Phillips.
Rusev won a battle royal to be the Number One Contender to Kalisto’s U.S. Title so he’s wrestling Sin Cara tonight. Makes sense. They show an exclusive FB video of Kalisto being interviewed but they don’t play the YT promo where Rusev promised to eat his heart. So here it is. My mate reckoned Rusev was back to his 2014 ways of killing people as U.S. Champion with Lana by his side. Sin Cara won via via The Deadliest Move In All Of Wrestling The Schoolboy.
Another Puerto Rico promo but they don’t tell me which one’s Puerto and which ones Rico.
It’s an elimination match with Gallows & Anderson (who don’t have a tag name but with AJ they’re The Club. But they’re all together tonight and not announced as The Club so that must be their name in the same way The League of Nations were The Lads.) & Styles take on Reigns and the most annoying cousins since Hewey, Dewey and Louie.
I’ve enjoyed the feud so far and the staring contest between Styles and Reigns on who’s going to blink first and turn into a dick. Jey Uso gets eliminated via The Deadliest Move In All Of Wrestling The Schoolboy but Jimmy evens the odds with The Second Deadliest Move In All Of Wrestling The Small Package. Jey got eliminated via Styles’ flying elbow during the break (ha ha) and Anderson is taken out via Superman Punch. Styles immediately attacks Roman after the pin, because he’s pissed his friend’s gone. That display of emotion is what separates the ‘acts like a character’ Roman and the ‘acts like a human being’ Styles. Roman tries to put Styles through the announce table but Anderson & Gallows don’t want that so they attack Roman with chairs for the DQ. Because they care more about their friend than the match, dammit. The Usos brawl with Anderson & Gallows but get nowhere but Roman attacks both men which gives Styles the chance to attack. Now last week Styles hesitated using the chair on Roman but now Styles doesn’t waste any time trying to give him the Styles Clash on it (and it’s pointed out by the commentators too!) but Roman’s too strong and back-drops Styles out the ring. Styles is in position for the springboard and they stare each other down until Roman grabs the chair…and tosses it to Styles. Styles kicks it back and as Roman reaches for it, Styles tries the springboard but Reigns gets out the way and Styles just leaves.
I FUCKING LOVED ALL OF THIS. We’re getting character development, big springboard mcflips, brawling, a purpose for The Usos and establishing Anderson & Gallows as a big deal right off their debut. Styles & Reigns have gone from ”I don’t want to use a chair on you because I want to be the good guy” to ”I really want to use the chair on you but I want you to be the first guy to do it because chairs are for pussies.” Tremendous stuff.
Owens vs. Ryder next. Wait, that last match wasn’t the main event? I’m spent. Owens mocks Ryder but the crowd’s like me and needs a cup of tea. Ryder gets some token offence but he’s been written out of history like the bad Pharaohs of Egypt.
Owens is currently the only person on the roster who watches wrestling sat down.
So if I’m reading the right click-bait sites, Owens is going to be fired tomorrow.
We get YET ANOTHER replay of Enzo’s injury. If you’re unhappy with we not featuring Enzo in Botchamania just watch Raw and you’ll see it a dozen times.
No-expense-spared smartphone-filmed advert for Dana Carvey’s new impression show. They were making jokes about Carvey’s impressions on The Larry Sanders Show in 1992! Who’s on next week, Andrew Dice Clay?
New Day are out now and I’m clock-watching. In a nice touch The Vaudevillains get a windowed promo and it’s in black and white.
It’s New Day vs. Dudleys so it’s worth posting Bubba’s tweet:
It’s a cool insult and I love Bubba but I stand by my criticism: they’ve been switching from good guys to bad guys so frequently the last few months they’re kangaroo-hopping.
Anyway, The Villains run out (in colour) and cause the distraction for The Duds win.
Jericho vs. Big Cass. A new headliner on Raw? Something’s got to be up. Jericho gets attacked during his entrance and his jacket is taken and it’s only after the lights come on we find out it’s Ambrose. That looked cool. Ambrose tears the $15,000 jacket (that’s $25,000 Canadian) and they fight. Jericho is distraught and forgets about Big Cass, who tosses him in for the Dirty Deeds. No match.
Back to Steph & Shane (end this show end this show) as they talk about Jericho’s jacket. That was it? I typed that shit up? Well I’m not deleting it.
We go back to Jericho complaining about his coat and I think we got the time wrong as everyone just waits the clock out whilst not doing anything. Felt like an ending to one of the Police Squad episodes.
Overall: If you ignore the weird backstage camera shots, the over-long time slot, the constant references to A NEW ERA and all the Steph/Shane shit, Raw has been frigging great since Wrestlemania. Styles vs. Roman is interesting and exciting enough to get me to at least fast forward the show but there’s also the IC Title hunt, the Ambrose vs. Jericho feud (when they’re serious and not planting) and the Women’s division.
Then I check Twitter and everyone’s talking about this:
There’s no mention of it on Raw or WWE.com so presumably it’ll be a non-televised show but it was all that was being discussed so I got worried I’d slept and missed an important bit of Raw.
And I leave you with this GIF