Due to popular demand (three people) I’ve done another podcast on the PPV last night which you can listen to here. And it actually works this time!
If you can’t be arsed listening, here’s a few rough notes:
Curt Hawkins makes his debut with his bumper book of Chuck Norris/In Soviet Russia jokes from a decade ago. I was wondering if you were supposed to boo him or cheer him from the vignettes and this thankfully cleared it up: He’s a prick.
Becky Lynch is injured so she’s not here, which they announce on the pre-show so they’ve improved since last PPV.
American Alpha & Hype Bros. vs. Ascension & Vaudevillains
That is one loser team those four guys have become. Simple crowd-warming stuff, highlight was Aiden English singing ”Goodnight Little Ryder” as he had him in a sleeper hold. Jordan made the hot tag, everyone threw moves everywhere until the Alpha’s sexy double team Grand Amplitude ended it.
AJ Styles vs. John Cena vs. Dean Ambrose
”For the first time ever, the main is first.” Huh.
*has a quick think*
Yeah, I think they’re right. We’re in WWE land so Styles is the bad guy and most cheered and Cena is the good guy and is most booed etc.
Otunga got a nice line (surprisingly): ”Styles has had a good year, Cena’s had a great decade.”
Plenty of nice, Special Occasion moves like Code Reds and Double German Suplexes that is made silly by Cena spotting both his opponents on the floor and deciding to give them both a Masturbation Reference, but not before hamming it the fuck up and gurning like Earnest.
Styles suplexed Cena on the side of the ring and planted Ambrose with a Springboard 450 Splash…for two. Cena drags Styles off Ambrose to put him in the STFU, so Ambrose grabs Styles’ hand to prevent him from tapping. Nice. Fuck the fact he has two hands and verbal submissions count, I liked it. Cena put Styles in the AA position to kick Ambrose like Terry Funk with a ladder over his head. Ambrose and Cena both had Styles in submissions and Styles tapped, causing Cena and Ambrose to argue over who won. Match was re-started, Styles realised it was a Triple Threat match so he twatted Cena for the win because he’s a bad guy. Who er, does crazy high spots. Great match that could have gone on last if it wasn’t for that no-good debate.
Also: Wrestlers really need to stop doing suicide dives.
Nikki Bella vs. Carmella
Yeah good luck following that. They managed it surprisingly well, as The Bellas have huge popularity thanks to that reality show that I have no intention of ever watching. Carmella’s not amazing as a bad guy but she’s not bad at er being a bad guy either. Nikki won.
Rhyno & Heath Slater vs. The Usos
Slater got beat up, Usos got booed, Rhyno made the save. By the numbers but when the crowd’s cheering for Rhyno (or at least ”ECW”) and Slater that’s not a bad thing. Rhyno gored for the win on the now-ghetto-infused Usos (according to commentary) and it’s not been crap but I hope there’s something new for these teams next PPV.
Baron Corbin vs. Jack Swagger
Both men are lowest tier by Smackdown standards, only Crews is lower because he’s not on PPV. Crowd likes chanting WE THE PEOPLE but doesn’t care about Swagger so they’re mute for anything and Jack doesn’t break a sweat trying to get them into the match. Baron tried and I’m biased because I think he’s cute for a giant guy with Zandig hair, but Swagger was in need of a re-design years ago and everyone but WWE realises this. Crowd made as much noise as they did during Ziggler vs. Corbin because main roster Corbin sucks. I hope his brother NXT Corbin shows up and replaces him. Baron won, skip this.
Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz (IC Title vs. Career)
After the commentators praised Ziggler’s love for the sport, JBL replied with ”I love the 100m sprint, doesn’t mean I’m beating Bolt.” It’s the night of good one-liners.
The Miz did many Bryan moves, including the kicks to a downed opponent which got lots of ”YES” chants, meaning either the crowd likes Miz or they’re thick cunts. Or both. They played into many of the previous matches, with Miz being able to hang with Ziggler’s move-set and vice versa which reminded me of Owens vs. Cena in the best possible way. Maryse sprayed Ziggler’s eyes like last time but he got his foot on the rope so The Spirit Squad ran out. Their appearance on Smackdown was a half-decent ”oh yeah I vaguely remember them” thing but showing up on this important match was a bit much. The false-finishes were welcome, but hopefully that’s it for the SS (oh shit, nice acronym). Miz got distracted by the ref getting rid of them so Ziggler superkicked him and…won.
Shit, I was sure he was losing and leaving. They did such a good job of building up Miz and preparing us for Ziggler leaving that I was ready for him buggering off. I figured they’d have Ziggler have a teary goodbye speech on Smackdown and have Miz run out and laugh at him, causing them to go with Miz vs. Bryan or whatever. I wasn’t thinking ”oh yay he came back!” I thought ”shit, I’d have left.”
Maybe he took JBL’s ”I’ve heard his comedy, he needs to win this match” comment to heart.
An advert for the Network played. Well that’s helpful.
Alexa Bliss v. Naomi
Even Bliss’ looks couldn’t save this.
Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt
They played the same video package they already showed because WWE thinks length is everything. I’m OK with this evil voodoo stuff resulting in a mid-show match but headlining? There’s a reason Delete or Decay doesn’t headline TNA PPVs, there’s entertainment to be had but there’s no emotional investment or title or stake so fuck it.
Meh match, Bray talks about being a God but wrestles like a Godwinn. Harper returned, distracts Orton who took Sister Abigail and Bray won. The Wyatts are permanently stuck in 2013 with no visible way out for them yet.
Overall: Two great matches, a good tag match, some filler and a duff main event. Smackdown as a weekly show is way better than this show usually and Backlash beat the shite out of this.