Hello and thanks for showing up to rant, rave and reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.


Raw Rant Title_001

During the week.


Since having a bee in my bonnet appears to be a hobby of mine, and since the WWE are keen on preventing kids from emulating wrestling moves that can cause injury, I’ve decided to redirect some negative energy conjured by my hatred of the worst finishing manoeuvrer on the roster at the moment and I feel I’ve done something productive with my feelings for it.1_001Enzo and Cass’s “Boom-shitta-lotta” has been an annoyance to my senses for some time now.  I’m hoping that by encouraging all the local children to competitively launch one of their mates off of something tall and onto another child, it will eventually draw enough bad press towards it to get it banned.


Anyone unfortunate enough to be burdened with their own children can obviously take it upon themselves to do the same.  Better yet, you could skip the middle man and go straight to the WWE complaints department and present your own over the top story for them to have to follow.


I’ll be glad to see it glamorised, then demonised and then forgotten about forever.


Fingers crossed.


 


 


#RAW


Awwww, no.  Dean Ambrose pretends to be on the phone with Kurt Angle again.


Deano heads on out as the fourth wall gets smashed in as tactfully as the ones at Shane O’Mac vs. Kurt Angle at King of the Ring.2_001Dean says he’s the temporary GM for the night since Kurt didn’t travel overseas.


The Miz and Maryse show up and say that the Limelight Parasite herself, Stephanie McMahon also got in touch and she made The Miz co-GM after she got wind of Kurt’s plan.


Berserker Braun Strowman then wanders out and says he’ll heal up soon and finish off Roman Reigns.  After that, he’ll go after Brock Lesnar and the Universal Title!  The crowd liked that one.


Kalisto scuttles out and says he’s not finished with Braun.  Braun reckons he could beat Kalisto with one arm, so Dean makes the match.  Strowman sulks and goes away.


Miz mocks Dean’s booking ability. This causes Dean to book another match, involving The Miz and it’s next.


 


 


The Miz (w/Maryse) vs. Finn Balor


Miz realises he can’t win, so he pushes Balor into the referee and instructs the official to DQ Balor.


As Mizryse head off, Deano returns to reset the match and he bans Maryse from ringside.


Balor chucks Miz back in the ring, hits him with the Coup de Grace and picks up the win.


 


 


Later: return of the #DumpMatch3_001


 


 


Nia “The Bitch-Fister” Jax decides to befriend Alexa Bliss after what Bliss said about her last week. 4_001Bliss fears for her orifices and lies through her teeth, assuring Jax that she’d speak to Kurt Angle about giving her a title shot during the next meeting she has with him.


 


 


Alexa Bliss (w/ Nia Jax) vs. Mickie James (w/Bayley)


The referee fucked up here and didn’t DQ Bliss when Jax grabbed Mickie’s leg.  After Bayley took out Jax on the outside, Bliss tripped a distracted Mickie off of the top rope and scraped her legs off the mat for the win.


 


 


Dean and Miz. Miz makes a match for Dean later against Bray Wyatt.


 


 


Cumming up: It’s a wank-off between Michael Cole and Vince McMahon.5_001Soggy biscuit at the ready for the loser!


 


 


Charles the Dwarf meows at Samoa Joe.  Joe spits and snarls about Seth Rollins and then the Cross-fit Jesus himself flies out of nowhere and jumps Joe.


That is until a crate of referees is opened up to pull the two apart.


 


 


Michael Cole’s Wank-Bank Skank Rank #14 vs. Vince McMahon’s Wank-Bank Skank Rank #2


Strowman cheap shots Kalisto at the start.


Vince’s #1 Ranked decides to spoil Strowman’s fun, sends him packing and finishes Vince off.6_001Kalisto takes a page out of Dolph Ziggler’s book when he turns on Roman Reigns and stabs him forty two times.


</laughing>


Only kidding.  He did absolutely nothing of interest.


Fuck Kalisto.


 


 


Goldust tries to motivate R-Truth before they get the chance to become number one contenders for the tag titles.


Come on now, don’t be silly.  Please don’t give them a push.


Please. I’ve seen enough of them this year already.


 


 


#TagTeamTurmoil


Enzo & Cass vs. Sheamus & Cesaro


Enzo taps the fuck out.


Up next.


Heath Slater & Rhyno vs. Sheamus & Cesaro


The lads jump Slater and his fridge and make light work of them.


-HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!-


Gallows & Anderson vs. Sheamus & Cesaro


Another Brogue Kick keeps Sheasaro in the match.


Golden Truth vs. Sheamus & Cesaro


Thank fuck.


Cesaro bags a roll-up victory.  The hand full of tights was free of charge.


Before the beat down of the Golden Truth becomes too severe (sadly), The Hardy Boyz hobble down to the ring and scare off the new number one contenders.


 


 


Seth Rollins vs. Samoa Joe


Surprise surprise, Joe works the knee and Rollins sells the old “jelly legs” for the duration.


In the end, Joe gets himself DQ’d when he repeatedly introduces Seth’s face to an exposed turnbuckle.  The point being that this wasn’t about winning a match, it was about dealing some damage.


 


 


Next Week: Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz for Intercontinental Championship.


 


 


It looks like TJ Perkins has reverted back to his homeless gimmick.7_001After a few minutes of paranoid interrogation, Neville says he hasn’t seen Perkins’ skag stash and tells him to wind his neck in.


 


 


Jack Gallagher vs. TJ Perkins


Another handful of tights is booked to win a match tonight.  This time it’s TJ Perkins that pisses in that pot before he continues the fight after the bell has rung.


Austin Aries makes the save before Perkins can do any real harm to Gallagher.


 


 


#GiveDivasSomePants


Alicia Fox vs. Sasha Banks.


To be fair, Foxy isn’t horrendous at her job for someone that grew up in the pure Diva’s era.  She tries hard with what she’s been given and has a fairly entertaining crack at being bat shit crazy.  She also includes quality one liners in her matches (such as telling the referee “you watch the hair!” when she was caught grabbing the scalp of Sasha) from time to time.


She’s not the best on the roster, but she didn’t deserve the jobber’s entrance AND the non-finisher-finish.  Also, I’m not 100% sure, but I think I spotted the return of the #BeachBallWankers during the match too.


Bad times.


 


 


Bray Wyatt vs. Dean Ambrose


The Miz cracks Ambrose with the Intercontinental Championship on the outside when the referee is distracted.


Bray follows this up with Sister Abigail and it’s lights out.


Miz ambushes Ambrose afterwards and ensures his victory next week.


 


 


 


Afterthoughts.


Dear WWE, please begin to fuck off!


I can see what you’re trying to do and it’s not going to work!  Not on this obsessively, observant object.


A recent change in behaviour causes my eyes to narrow and my nostrils to flare.  I believe the WWE are trying to throw another blanket on top of a problem.8_001Let me elaborate.  I’ve noticed the increasing instances of the commentators taking harsher than average shots at each other on Raw and to some degree on Smackdown and 205 Live as well.


Throw that in a pan with Smackdown’s little “We don’t take kindly to crying around here” routine last week and sprinkle in JBL’s piss-poor attempt at making his “character” look unbelievably over the top on Talking Smack a couple of weeks back.


Once all that’s all set, leave to simmer for another week and check back to see if any of the claims of bullying in WWE appear discredited at all instead of guilty parties taking responsibility, raising their hands and admitting they’ve been acting like dickheads.


Wankers.


 


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Thanks for reading, take care and I’ll see you next week!