Hello and thanks for showing up to rant, rave and reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.


Raw Rant Title_001

During the week.


Politics and pro-wrestling have been engaged in an age-old holiday romance type of relationship (finely illustrated by Vinnie earlier in the week) and both of them have drawn a large portion of my attention over the years.


As you may also know, we British held an election this week and the idea of repeating the same mistakes over and over again haunted me.


Thankfully, we managed to avoid total disaster!


Also, my faith in the youth of the nation……..well, it didn’t soar through the roof or anything……………..I’ve been keeping the thing in a box in the wardrobe somewhere…….haven’t had much use for it lately………….it’s on a shelf for now at least………


*Ahem*


Long story short is I gave it a quick wipe down and put it on display in a low traffic hallway at Botchamania HQ since it went up ever so slightly in my estimations.


Hooray for the young that voted for change, thumbs down to the older and apparently wiser folk that suffer/piss and moan because of our struggling health system and financial support cuts YET STILL voted to allow these wretched acts to continue getting worse and prolonging their own suffering.


 


 


#RAW


 


Recap from Extreme Rules’ main event, showing Samoa Joe becoming the number one contender for the WWE Universal Championship.


 


 


I’m not sure if he’ll get into bother for it, but Booker T referred to the WWE being a sport, oops.  I’m sure that statement contradicts Vince’s tax evasion sales pitch.


 


 


Bray Wyatt is the first one out tonight; Bray runs down his opponents from last night and says that they’re all guilty and need to be punished.  He declares Roman Reigns is the first name on his shit-list.


This obviously brings out The Wet Dog.  Roman snatches the microphone from Bray, recycles Biker-mode Undertaker’s dialogue and then twats Bray in the face for a laugh.


Bray Wyatt vs. Roman Reigns


Roman puts Bray away with a Spear.  What else did you expect?


So even though Bray didn’t manage to win last night, he found resolve in something other than the Universal Championship, meaning the WWE’s obvious booking direction is to dictate that he looks as useless as possible by falling at the first hurdle.


Wankers.


 


 


Here you can see the skin on Charles the Dwarf’s vagina crawl in disgust as Enzo wastes no time in trying to weasel his way into her knickers.1_001They still don’t know who jumped Enzo yet, Cass says it’s an insult that people think he was responsible.  They also have a little dig at Corey Graves’ hairstyle while they’re at it.


 


 


Kurt Angle is approached by Alexa Bliss while he’s engrossed in something on his phone.  Bliss tries to organise an over the top celebration due to her retaining her title last night, Kurt doesn’t buy it and books her in a title match against Nia “The Bitch-Fister” Jax later on tonight.


 


 


Elias Samson has another go at singing a song for a live crowd, but they try to boo him out of the building again.


Dean Ambrose then runs in and drops Samson.


Ambrose demands The Miz, but instead the A-List couple appear on the Titantron, giving Samson opportunity to jump Ambrose from behind.


 


 


After the break, a distressed Dean bumps into Kurt Angle and requests his rematch against The Miz tonight.  Kurt continues ruining people’s moods by declining the request and sending Ambrose home.


 


 


Samoa Joe and his horrible WWE theme music grace us with their presence.


Joe has heel-envy and says he’s wants everything Brock Lesnar has, even Paul Heyman!


Heyman shows up and puts Joe over better in thirty seconds than anyone else in the WWE has done on TV.2_001Joe chokes Heyman out and tells Paul E to pass the message on.


Why the fuck is Joe the heel here?  The only way I’m getting on board with this is if they’re giving the belt to Joe, but I’m doubtful that WWE/Brock would give that kind of rub to Joe.


Saying that, I’m looking forward to the match, so I’ll go along for the ride.


 


 


Kurt Angle tries to calm Samoa Joe down and then Seth Rollins swoops in to make the save and then crows in Joe’s face, challenging him to a match tonight.


 


 


Cesaro & Sheamus vs. Heath Slater & Rhyno


The new tag champions defeat the former Smackdown champs with little effort, executing a clever plan that took out Rhyno and distracted Slater in one motion, handing Sheamus an easy target in Slater to Brogue Kick into next week.


They take the piss out of the Hardy Boyz after the match and reiterate that Matt picked the stipulation and it ended up being their downfall, meaning they have zero chance of making use of any rematch they may have.


 


 


TJP swaggers around backstage until he finds Neville.  TJP has his big boy pants on today and gives Neville a bit of grief about not holding up his end of the bargain by granting TJP his title shot.  Neville proposes one final mission in taking out Mustafa Ali tonight, then he’ll have a word with Kurt Angle.


Neville looks on as TJP leaves, possibly showing signs of regret stirred by the monster he created a couple of months ago.


 


 


#BothGuysInTheRingAsWeComeBackFromTheBreak


Fuck you, Cruiserweights.


TJP vs. Mustafa Ali


The Detonation Kick ends things after around sixty seconds of a match.


Neville wanders out after the match and tells TJP he’s got some unfortunate (not bad) news.  Perkins heads to the back to speak to Angle, but Neville cuts him off.


After the beating on the ramp, Neville breaks the news that TJP will actually get a shot at his belt and it’ll be contested tomorrow on 205 Live.


 


 


Goldust mesmerises me yet again with another serious promo.3_001A good effort in turning it around, even if it’s only momentarily.


 


 


It’s obviously a slumber party backstage as Mickie James, Dana Brooke and Sasha Banks paint each others’ nails and tell stories about boys and such.


Alexa Bliss breaks it up and attempts to gather some backup to try and prevent the inevitable fisting that’s heading her way later on tonight.


As expected, all the lasses decide to leave Alexa to deal with the problem herself.


 


 


While the lads at the table are discussing what we just saw, Kurt Angle practically drags Corey away for a private word.4_001Kurt shows him something on his phone and they whisper to each other while Cole and Booker try to act confused and surprised.


Cole tries to stick his nose in Corey’s business by asking what’s going on, but Corey hastily deflects and draws their attention to what’s about to go down in the ring.


Sadly for Corey, it’s Kalisto against either Titus or Apollo, so they’re going to have to try and distract us with something else.


 


 


Not Tom Philips finds and questions Kurt Angle about the situation.  Kurt doesn’t look up from his phone saying only that it’s a private matter and heads out the door.


Before the door has a chance to close, Dean Ambrose slips though the gap and begins pondering on what mischief he should get up to now.


 


 


#YouReallyAreSpoilingUsWithAllTheseDreamMatches


Kalisto vs. Titus O’Neil (w/Apollo Crews)


At least it was a short match.  Titus went for the tight roll-up again, but Kalisto managed to reverse it.


 


 


The Miz and Maryse take a stroll in the back and they trip over a KO’d Big Cass.


Enzo and some referees arrive on the scene and I think Cass has learned how to do a little acting.


Cass hands Enzo a clue and is instructed to find a new partner for his tag match tonight.5_001I smell misdirection.


 


 


 


Maryse introduces her husband to the ring to celebrate his victory last night.


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Miz, you fucking legend!  After waiting a little while he puts the crowd in their place once their “You deserve it” chant starts to pick up steam by highlighting that the chant would mean so much more if fans didn’t chant it to anyone that wins any title.


Good stuff.


</cleaning myself off>


Once The Miz and Maryse finish congratulating each other, they realise that neither of them arranged the dancing bear.  Miz remembers that Ambrose enjoys fucking things whilst wearing a bear costume and gets the jump on the bear.  Upon removal of the mascot’s head, it’s apparent that it’s not Dean Ambrose.


A giant gift box is then wheeled down to the ring and The Miz batters the wrapping paper off of it with a steel chair, ignoring Maryse’s eventual objections.


Miz calms down after he drops the elbow on the box and it turns out the gift was from Maryse and it’s revealed to be the remains of a grandfather clock.  This causes Maryse to storm off.


Miz blames Ambrose for the whole thing and calls him out.  Dean has disguised himself as a camera man again to get in close and he hits Miz with Dirty Deeds.


 


 


There’s only one word  to describe the pre-match promo from Enzo and Big Show and I’m going to spell it out for you.


S


H


I


T


E


!


 


 


Gallows & Anderson vs. Enzo & The Big Show


Just like watching a normal Enzo and Cass match, except for Enzo’s five to ten minutes of selling being fast forwarded to ninety seconds.


I suppose this is showing how fickle Enzo is in quickly replacing Cass with someone big to stand behind and Cass’ staged mugging set-up the opportunity for Enzo to shoot himself in the foot with the whole thing.


 


 


R-Truth with another parody response of Goldust’s promos.


The only thing that amused me was that it was in Black and White.


 


 


We join Not Tom backstage again, this time he’s keeping Alexa Bliss company.  Bliss spits her dummy out at the fact she’s got to face Nia next and stomps her way to the ring.


 


 


Alexa Bliss vs. Nia “The Bitch-Fister” Jax


Nia tosses Bliss around for a couple of minutes until Bliss uses Mickie and Dana who are watching ringside to get herself disqualified.


Nia lays waste to all three, but Bliss manages to escape the five star treatment.


 


 


A woozy Paul Heyman is being attended to when his phones starts ringing (the old man needs it to sound like an old school land-line ringtone as to avoid any confusion, NICE TOUCH!).


Heyman asks for a moment and shows us all that it’s Brock Lesnar on the phone and suggests that Brock show up next week to unleash the beast!


 


 


#JoesGunnaKillYou


Samoa Joe vs. Seth Rollins


The finish saw Bray Wyatt’s visual distract Rollins.  Joe takes advantage and turns him blue with the Coquina Clutch.


The match wasn’t bad or anything, there were just a couple of things that slapped any taste of joy out of my mouth.


The first thing being that we saw these two lads compete the night before.  I know that their interaction time was diluted down with three other guys, but it’s not like this is the first time they’ve squared off against each other.


Secondly, I’ve been promised steak and sweet potato fries at the Great Balls of Fire diner, so apologies if I’m not overly excited with burger and chips at the dirty Monday Night Raw weekly griddle-van in the form of Joe needing a distraction from Bray to put away Seth.


 


 


Afterthoughts.


 


As you may have guessed, I’ve climbed on board with Samoa Joe vs. Brock Lesnar.  I’m keeping the energy positive for now and giving them a chance.


I say “them”, but I’ve no issues with Samoa Joe, it’s Brock that I’ve low expectations for.  If he makes the effort and works on a level as he did in his battles with Kurt Angle, we could see something fantastic.


However, I’m fully aware that this may not end up being the case; Brock seems rather content with his miniscule number of booked dates and his shrivelled move-set.


On the plus side, Paul Heyman did a brilliant job narrating life, building Joe and setting the scene for the title match.  Fingers crossed that it leads to something great!


 


 


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Thanks for reading, take care and I’ll see you next week!