Hello and thanks for showing up to rant, rave and reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.


Raw Rant Title_001


 


During the week.


Whilst driving around in my car, I’ve noticed an ever increasing number of stupid cyclists on the road.


Now, I’m not calling ALL cyclists stupid, just the ones that choose to ride on a very busy, ten-foot wide road that was built in 1576 when there’s a perfectly good cycle path mere feet away.  A lot of them seem to get very angry when you point out said safe route and act as if they’re on some form of crusade to prove that they’re legally allowed to use the roads and they will do so AT ANY COST.


Hell, I’ve been known to dig my heels in at times and demonstrate some unhealthy acts of stubbornness, but I’m at a total loss with some of these idiots.  I get that you have rights, but when it comes to your bones and organs versus a tonne of metal travelling at speed, there’s only ever going to be one winner…………….regardless of how expensive your helmet and the rest of the clobber was.


My conclusion is that people must have a legitimate death wish, or they’re brain-dead and they’re our equivalent of pheasants running amok on country roads; the majority of problems come from cyclists who don’t drive, don’t know the rest of the rules of the road and fail to see the bigger picture.


My mother is a driver and a cyclist.  She’s in her mid-fifties and she cycles for days on end; she’s mental/a legend all at the same time.  Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that because she knows the highway code and is fluent in the ins and outs of being a driver, she’s ten times more aware of her effect on the flow of traffic and is able to put that knowledge into application when on her bike.


It’s very daunting if you’re in charge of a large vehicle and tunnel visioned cyclists are darting between cars and waggons like they’ve got God Mode installed in their crash helmets.  The slightest slip up could cause an irreparable chain reaction and mostly it’s the drivers that are held responsible, mostly.


With all that being said, I’ve been amusing myself/educating local cyclists by pulling alongside them (when I finally get the chance to overtake them) and shouting “cycle path” from my window.  The majority of them have headphones in (another trait of being a fucking idiot) and don’t hear you.


Sometimes though, if I’m lucky, they’ll look up in bafflement, lose control and do half a back-flip onto the grass verge beside the cycle route, scratching their head after mishearing me screaming “psychopath” at them as I grin and watch them gradually vanish in my wing-mirror.


 


 


#RAW


 


Tonight on Eastenders…….erm, I mean Raw; Kurt Angle’s personal life is on the agenda AND MORE!


 


 


From the stench of dirty laundry, we get dirty deeds in Dean Ambrose as he starts the show.


I don’t know why, but we’re prolonging this feud even more.  Deano tries to add a fresh touch to the year long routine by bringing a “steel” chair with him.


He calls out The Miz and Seth Rollins instead shows up for a chat.


Dean tells Seth to piss off and leave him to fight his own battles.  He still doesn’t trust Seth.


Seth impulsively apologises for being a bell-end a few years ago and says it a second time since he just realised that he’d never said it before.


Dean says it’s not enough and he’ll never see Seth as a brother again.


Seth screams at Dean and begs him to get over it; it was three years ago.  He then turns his back and commands Dean to take as many swings with his steel chair as it takes to make him feel better and to allow them to move on.Dean eventually throws down the chair and it APPEARS that they’re making some progress.


Cue The Miz, Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel decide to spoil the moment.  They surround the ring with their own steel chairs in hand.


Dean and Seth suffer a severe slaughtering before Miz and company flee the scene of the crime.


 


 


Bayley vs. Alexa Bliss (w/Nia Jax)


Nia was causing distractions until Sasha Banks popped up out of nowhere and evened the playing field.  Bliss was rather gutted about this and walked straight into a Bailey to Belly to end the match.


 


 


It appears that Corey Graves has enough pull in the WWE now to head off for a piss when he wants and purposefully miss the next video package for the ESPY’s and WWE showing how much Stephanie McMahon loves kids.Just look at her.  She looks like she’s just been given a thirty-year prison sentence for being a Satanist.


Christ on a bike.


 


 


Vince sneaks in a wafty-crank over a two-minute package of Roman Reigns looking mighty heroic.


 


 


Corey again is encouraging Kurt to head to the ring and come clean about whatever it is that’s been going on.  Kurt agrees that it’s the right thing to do and thanks Corey for his help in the matter.


 


 


Titus Worldwide gather in the locker room to discuss strategy.  Ariya Daivari sticks his head in to challenge Tozawa to a rematch since their encounter on 205 Live was cut short when Neville assaulted Tozawa.


 


 


Mustafa Ali & Jack Gallagher vs. THE Brian Kendrick & Drew Gulak


Gulak’s got a tan, had a shave and been infected with a dose of “the shitty gimmicks” since I last saw him.


It’s over pretty quickly and Ali hits his inverted 450 splash for the win.


 


 


Enzo Amore slithers down the ramp and into the ring.


‘KIN HELL!


WHEN WILL IT END?


Enzo rambles on for what seems like hours and then finally draws our attention to Big Cass getting kicked around by Big Show last week.  He calls Cass a pussy and says at least he stands up to people bigger than him.


Big Test cuts Enzo off before he has the chance to misspell soft again.


Enzo jumps in the crowd and holds a child hostage.This is all just to buy time for The Big Show to make his entrance and get in Cass’ face.  Cass tries to get the jump on Big Show, but Show dominates Cass on the outside of the ring.


However, by the end of the confrontation, Big Cass gets the advantage and leaves Show face down.


Enzo even runs in and gets beheaded with a big boot afterwards.


 


 


Boooooooooooooo, Roman Reigns.


Charles the Dwarf questions The Big Dog regarding his match against Samoa Joe later on.  Reigns says it’s his yard and he’s going to win and win and woof woof woof.


 


 


Kurt Angle fixes a lover’s tiff between Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose and grants them a handicap match against The Miz and pals next week.


 


 


Elias Samson does a fantastic job as always aggravating the crowd and steaming ahead with his promo regardless of the relentlessly rowdy crowd.


Elias Samson vs. Finn Balor


After a few minutes of decent work from both lads, Samson lured Balor to the outside and smashed his head in with his guitar.I’m pretty sure that guitar wasn’t rigged for safety.  Ooooops.


For some reason, Bray Wyatt pokes the Balor Bear from the Titantron.


No, I don’t want to see them fight.  I want to see them work together and turn the WWE into nothing but a pile of razed ruins.


 


 


Samoa Joe gets a video package now, hyping us up for his match against Roman Reigns later on.


 


 


Sasha and Bayley bicker in front of Kurt Angle, surely he’s got better things to worry about at the moment.  He makes things simple and pits the two against each other to decide the new number one contender.


 


 


The Revival tell Charles the Dwarf that they don’t like the flipping Hardy Boyz and that’s why they fisted them last week.


 


 


Ariya Daivari vs. Akira Tozawa (w/Titus O’Neil)


Tozawa goes into the match with a dodgy shoulder and Daivari works on it until Titus jumps on the apron and instructs the referee to end it.


A confused Tozawa tells a concerned Titus that he never quit and he storms off.


 


 


#KurtAngle


The GM heads out to address his dirty little secret.


Kurt says he only just found out that he got someone pregnant while he was at college and that coincidently enough, we already know his mystery son…………Braun Strowman.


Nah, I’m joking.


It was Jason Jordan.Well, I suppose it was better than Kurt coming out and saying he was recently caught with his dick in someone/thing.


I’m really hoping when Shelton Benjamin returns, he goes back to bringing his “mother” to work with him again.  This could lead to revealing that she’s also Jordan’s mother and then we can have Shelton vs. Jordan in an over the top “we all know this shit isn’t real” style of soap opera feud.


 


 


The Hardy Boyz vs. The Revival


Dash and Dawson do a great job working on Matt’s leg throughout the match.


Jeff gets the hot tag and he momentarily clears house.  He sets up for the Swanton Bomb, but Dash pushes him off and allows Dawson to roll up Jeff with a handful of tights.


 


 


Charles the Dwarf asks Samoa Joe on his thoughts before his number one contender match.  Joe comes off a focused maniac, good stuff.


 


 


I didn’t mention the video package last week regarding this, but I’ve been triggered and I just can’t help myself.


I undoubtedly expected the WWE to have a second mention of their huge advertising…….I mean support campaign for the Special Olympics, what I wasn’t expecting was the fact they felt the need to subtitle Norris Peterson, one of the featured athletes.


Poor show, WWE.


I have a harder time understanding what Booker T is trying to say on a regular fucking basis and YOU PAY HIM for his “speaking ability”.


Absolutely no need for this at all.


 


 


Titus and Tozawa sit down to settle the matter from earlier on.


Titus tries to explain that he was thinking of Tozawa’s well-being long term.  Tozawa seems like he’s starting to understand but then demands a rematch with Daivari tomorrow on 205 Live.


I’m actually enjoying these segments.  The dynamic between the characters in Titus Worldwide are fun whilst bouncing off of each other; Tozawa having the facial expressions of a pro is just icing on the cake.


 


 


#No1Contender


Samoa Joe vs. Roman Reigns


The two knock the shit out of each other until Braun Strowman crashes the party, beats down both lads and busts both of Vince’s Grey Balls Of Fuck-all.


Joe and Roman have no choice but to resort to working together in trying to take out Braun.They fail and both eat a Running Power-slam for their efforts.


Braun tries to drag Roman’s corpse out of the ring until he is talked down by officials.  He settles for hitting Roman with one last Power-slam and skips off on his merry way.That was one of the best endings to Raw in the last decade.  I’m hoping this is all leading to one giant four-way bout for the title where I’m expecting unadulterated carnage, ridiculous high spots and amazing feats of strength.


 


 


Afterthoughts.


 


Sick Fucker Booker.


Babbling Booker, you never cease to amaze;

ignoring your verbal diarrhoea and your awkward sexual grunt,

that’s twice an insensitive prick towards Corey now,

you cunt.


I know Corey’s a big lad and he can fend for himself,

but being reminded of early retirement,

is something best left on the shelf.


Both instances of this were while discussing Samoa Joe,

the fact Corey competed against him was mentioned on the show.


The chance arose and Babbling Booker jumped in,

highlighting the reason Corey is sitting with him.


Your shit jokes are still raw,

they need months in the cooker.

It’s unfair you went there,

you sick fucker, Booker.


 


 


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Thanks for reading, take care and I’ll see you next week!