Sorry for not writing anything in a while, we’ve both been busy. To help us catch up with all the shows, the plan is: more quantity, less quality!




WWE Raw


31st July 2017.


RAW is coming to you live from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.


RAW theme hits the speakers! IT’S TWENTY TO ONE!


Or 12.40, if you prefer.




Kurt Angle is out first to a rousing reception.


Michael ColeBooker T and Corey Graves welcome us to the show and namaste.


Kurt runs down the sho and everybody is very happy. But wait! Brock Lesnar is here (w/ Paul Heyman)!


The WWE Universal Champion makes his way to the ring.


Paul Heyman announces there that, tonight, there will be a triple threat match between the the contenders to Brock’s title.


Paul Heyman uses a pun to break the ice, before getting down to business. He smells a fix and accuses Angle of engineering a 3-on-1 against Brock, for the Summerslam title match.


Paul promises Brock will leave the WWE should he lose – and Paul with him!


That didn’t go on forever, but it had a good look at it and  kicked the tyres of forever.




Is that Kevin Dunn?

The Hardy Boyz are coming! Jeff Hardy enters the stage and gives us our second namaste of the night. He also treats us to his customary Running Man.


They face Gallows & Anderson and The Revival are on commentary.


Energetic match, both teams looking good. Gallows looking very shiny.


After a long flurry of Hardyz offence, Luke Gallows turns the tide, “like a one man wrecking machine!”


The Revival agree, “Shades of me!” one of them says. Line of the night!


The Hardyz get the win and afterward The Revival get a taste of a Jeff Hardy dive from off the ramp.


Hey, that was great fun! Tidy match to start the night’s action. Nice to see Gallows & Anderson, even if I do feel a bit worried for them these days.




Dean Ambrose is interviewed backstage by Renee Young about the previous week, when Dean and Seth Rollins ended up fighting side by side before Dean realised what he was doing.


Seth intervenes and hopes that maybe the two of them can work something out now. But no, Dean has been burned once already. He’s nt going down that road again.


Now, Seth is cornered by Sheamus and Cesaro who taunt Seth Rollins. Seth has enough and tells Sheamus and his “Swiss sweetheart” to decide which one of them wants to fight Seth later tonight, because it is on! Okay then.




Next up is cruiserweight action with Titus O’Neil! He bring out Akira Tozawa to represent ‘Titus International’. Azira has an injured left shoulder! Could that be a factor in tonight’s proceeding? Let’s find out.


They might not change the ring ropes to purple anymore, but Titus’s tie and Akira’s shirt are staying purple. Solidarity!

Akira teams up with Rich Swann and Cedric Alexander, who don’t even get their names shown on screen.


Neither do their opponents, DaivariDrew Gulak and TJP.


Rich Swann’s impressive agility is the stand-out for me here. He and Cedric Alexander throw caution to the wind – and their bodies up over the top rope! Azira too, despite his bad shoulder!


Tozawa picks up the win here. Bit convenient then that only he gets an entrance. They might as well have not bothered with the match, except that it was some fast flippin’ fun, and that’s always welcome viewing.




The Miz is out w/ Maryse and the rest of his ‘Miztourage’. Her outfit is colour-coded with the belt strap of Miz’s Intercontinental title. So is Bo Dallas‘s shirt! Only Curis Axel isn’t rocking the white. Come on, Curtis!


They bring out their guest… Jason Jordan!


Very special. What’s with Jason’s face here? Beans?

This is the first time I’ve heard Jason Jordan’s new theme music. It puts the MIDI in ‘middling’. Well maybe that’s harsh. I just know I really want to break out a 486 PC with a Soundblaster card, after hearing that.


Miz accuses J.J. of just being a Daddy’s boy, who only has to run to Kurt Angle in order to get what he wants to further Jason’s career. Then he starts to Talk Smack (R.I.P.) about Kurt Angle!


Would you believe that Jason won’t stand for this and a fight breaks out?


So, there you have it. Hm.




Cesaro and Sheamus’ mashed-up theme hits! They do a quick Vitruvian Man cos-play at the top of the ramp and go wait in the ring for Seth Rollins.


BEHOLD! The ULTIMATE FORM of Cesaro & Sheamus!

Sheamus is apparently Rollins’ opponent.


Hey, so Seth Rollins is the ‘King Slayer’ yeah? Isn’t slaughter when you accidentally take someone out but you didn’t intend for it to happen, as in manslaughter?


This guy knows what I’m talking about.

Hm. And what about Sgt. Slaughter – doesn’t his name imply that he was just really careless, moreso? Sgt. Murder, now he knew what he was doing. Up until they caught him, on that one cold, fateful November eve.


But anyway. Solid but unspectacular match! Decent enough for T.V., which sees Rollins score the win over Sheamus, only to be double-teamed by C & S afterwards. Dean Ambrose tries to make the save but the tag champions win that 2-on-1 exchange.




Now it’s time for a piece about a special African American athlete named J.J.


No, not Jason Jordan.


This is a Special Olympics athlete named Justin Jones. He looks thrilled to be there and well, who wouldn’t be? Good for him!




Bray Wyatt comes out. He wins my affection by telling Pittsburgh that they are pitiful, but loses it again by not calling them the pits. Or talking about the Nasty Boys’ finisher either.


 


He says a bunch of things about Finn Balor. You can probably imagine what. He’s much more animated about it though these days.


Finnn Balor’s music hits. Finn Balor’s foot hits Bray Wyatt in the side of the head with an overhead kick. Wyatt is sent scarpering and Finn Balor celebrates in the ring with his music, his fans and his jacket.




Samoa Joe, Braun Strowman and Roman Reigns all make their way out to the ring.


Match is a preview of the four-way for Brock Lesnar’s WWE Universal title at Summerslam.


So, lots of reminders that Brock doesn’t have to be involved in the decision and that it’s no-D.Q.. They brawl into the crowd a little, including a nice bicycle kick from Joe to Ro, man.


Impressive showing from everyone. Roman’s face on the Superman punch, Braun’s strength and intensity…


You know, I’ll bet Braun Strowman gives the best piggy-back rides. He’s just so huge! And talk about your little people clinging onto his legs whilst Braun Strowman walks along? I’ll bet Braun could carry way more kids or little people, all clinging onto his legs — like koalas on a tree — than anybody else.


Legs like microwaves. Fists like washing machines.


Anyway, Roman wins with a Superman punch to Samoa Joe.


It all looks pretty exciting for Summerslam. Who will win? Joe, Strow, Ro or Bro?




Enzo Amore thanks Big Show backstage, for Show coming to Enzo’s defence from Big Cass.


I can see Big Show’s ribcage almost! That’s just crazy.




Elias (now sans-Samson) sits in the ring with his guitar, talking. He talks about Pittsburgh and its people and how they have inspired him to write a song.


And then he starts to sing the song.


Pittsburg!

It’s the city of bridges

But it’s really the city of pits

This place has no hope

Not when it’s team is the Pirates

And I’m back in

What a terrible choice

The people here are truly garbage

But at least you can hear my voice

Oh Pittsburg

What have I done to you?

This place gets worse every single time

Man I swear it’s true


That’s the most I’ve ever liked Elias Samson. And, he calle Pittsburg the pits! Yes! I guess Bray Wyatt was just doing him a solid out there earlier.


Kalisto’s new music hits! If you haven’t heard it yet, imagine an action film in which the main character has to go hide out from a gunman, and he ends up in a gay bar, in Europe, in the 90s. That’s the music playing.


I start to zone out. The match deosn’t have its own hash-tag, but it does get to show the Twitter ticker at the bottom of the screen, discussing other matches which do get hash-tags. And the upcoming live shows. Why not sell advertising space during the match too?


Hey, now a “trending now” box comes up. Apparently “Elias” is trending.


The match continues and then it ends, with Elias winning. That’s just the way it is.


Booker T says he’s gonna be big. Elias sure is looking big these days!




Alexa Bliss casts shade over Bayley backstage. Then, and more excitingly to me, personally, there is hype for a new WWE co-produced movie. Pure Country, Pure Heart, starring ol’ H.B.K. himself, Shawn Michaels and the great Willie Nelson!


A clip is shown. It is in a bar. Shawn Michaels is wearing a hat. It all reminds me vaguely of Lonesome Dove, enough so that I can only shake my head sadly at this oneupmanship.


Let Montreal go, Shawn! You won! Let it go!



Nia Jax is out! She faces Bayley.


Nia controls with her strength and power, until Bayley takes a tumble onto what appears to be her her right shoulder, seemingly injuring it.


The last known photograph of Bayley without a knackered shoulder.

Bayley gamely fights on, fighting one-armed against Nia and even getting the better of her.


But Alexa Bliss appears out of nowhere, trying to ambush Bayley. Nia Jax and Alexa Bliss collide outside the ring.


Bayley wins by count-out! But, by the look of the way she’s holding that shoulder, something tells me that if Bayley won the battle here, Nia Jax and Alexa Bliss might have won the war.




Big Cass is backstage with Renee Young. Big Cass is getting more and more wicked by the week – and more and more orange. He’s starting to remind me a little of you know who. You know. Who.




Enzo Amore dances out and talks about how he won’t eat the bruised part of a banana.


This is your Main Event!


Big Show comes out.


Big Cass comes out to new music. It’s stacatto metal-core, or something like that. It goes “Doooooo doooo dooo, a-doop dooop doooo!” over and over a few times. Like I said, metal-core, you know what I’m saying.


Big Show gets the best of Big Cass to start.


Whichever man loses must downgrade his size to ‘Above Average’ to reflect the loss.


Big Cass brings the Big Show down to the mat, working Show’s legs, keeping him down in a leg hold for a while.


Eventually, Enzo jumps onto Big Cass’s back, causing the DQ.


However! Ultimately it is Big Cass who is left lying on the mat, after a thunderous WMD from the Big Show. The Powers That Be backstage see this and decree that it is Show’s music that must be played to end the show.


Well, Enzo certainly has a type, that much is clear.



Overall this episode of WWE Raw went down pretty well in my lounge last night. Well, last night last week. I’ve had this typed up for ages, I’ve just been busy. Anyway, it was pretty much all strong stuff. I couldn’t call it ‘must-see’. I’ll save that, for when it is!


So, all positive. Well, other than for Bayley’s injury. Hope she’s okay.


Until next time, can you tell the difference?


 


       

  • cherryworm

    face turn for Strowman -starts coming to the ring with kids clutched to his legs. It might actually make Raw worth watching.

    • Bushwhacker Puuuke

      Plus he and Big Show could have a big PPV showdown over it. It writes itself!