Hello and welcome, one and all.
Because I insist on gobbing off on a weekly basis and since WWE are adamant on having 9999 hours of wrestling per week (Raw being 95% of that), my usual shower of bazooka rounds has been replaced with a rather nifty sniper rifle that I’ll be using to highlight the strongest and weakest parts of the show……….or at least just my personal favourite and worst moments.
Unfurl the sails and hoist the anchor as blunt, yet constructive criticism is surely on the horizon!
Every now and then WWE throw something at me that completely pops my head, usually causing me to ask someone in the room if they’re seeing/hearing what I am too.
To name a handful, I recall being head-fucked by a lot of CM Punk’s work including his Pipe Bomb, Apology from Vince and the Phil vs. Paul segment as well as Triple H’s sexy visit to a funeral parlour, Ronda Rousey appearing at WrestleMania and chucking Trips and Steph around, The Boogeyman eating a mole off a woman’s face and Brian Pillman waving a gun around.
Tonight indeed presented one of those moments when I wondered if someone had either enabled the Infinite Improbability Drive, I’d smoked too much, or our lass had slipped something into my drink to give her a night of peace and quiet.
The obvious hit of the night was John Cena completely tearing Roman Reigns a new one, sexually violating said orifice, squashing him, burying him, digging him back up and doing all over again a few times in front of poor Kurt Angle who could do nothing but stand there in total dumbfounded awe, knowing this was possibly the only time he was going to see something like this at such close proximity.
If you haven’t watched it yet, take a moment and try to find an unedited version that’s not on WWE’s YouTube account. Despite it still being two guys working at the end of the day, it’s still pretty rough and the line of reality is so blurred it makes my eyes hurt.
The irrefutable reminder that it was all just a work was after Reigns FINALLY got through his proof-read and pre-approved promo, Cena said although it took him five years to get there, Roman finally cut a half decent promo.
No, John. No, he did not!
Roman’s initial bumbled comeback was “you suck” and “you’re a fake bitch”. This was pretty much what Cena had just politely said about Roman moments before. It was by no stretch of the imagination a memorable promo on Roman’s behalf. It was just embarrassing and it showed a ridiculous difference in their abilities.
Cena was chilled and in a safe, familiar place, Roman was not. Reigns turned pale and stumbled all over his promo and even forgot it at one point, to which Cena had no problem in highlighting this and adding insult to injury.
Additionally, Cena told me he was working when saying Reigns was a corporate bootleg of himself and not of The Rock. As soon as he said this I thought it was a daft comparison and that the obvious approach the office were taking was a tattoo-covered, sassy Samoan that’s built like a brick shit-house and not a star-spangled red, (very) white and blue wholesome slice of American Pie.
All in all, I really enjoyed this segment and I’m positive that many traditionalists will have been clutching their chests at the sorry treatment the fourth wall received.
Once normality returns and reality sets in, I sadly come to the realisation that I’m going to have to shit on the lasses once again.
Firstly, the title has turned into something that’s passed around on a fortnightly basis; used like an accessory that promotes sales for dolls of Barbie and her ethnically diverse group of friends depending on whether or not it’s Black History Month, St. Patrick’s Day, Breast Cancer Awareness month or Sasha Bank’s birthday.
The match itself was fine, but my point is that there was barely a ‘sbloody reaction from the crowd when Bliss won the match/title. Mere moments before this I got a hell of a lot more excited when Bliss hit that sweet Sunset-flip Piledriver and I’m pretty sure the crowd did too.
Secondly, since the talent pool is so shallow with the dilution caused by the brand split, everyone’s taking it in turns to be the jobber on rota for a month or so and we’ve got this never-ending cycle of fifty-fifty booking and obviously nobody cares. Of course people aren’t engaging when the women aren’t fighting for anything other than bragging rights on Twitter.
Thirdly, to continue on with my point from last week, they’re fucking ruining Emma even more. She’s got some horrid, generic chick-sung theme song and she’s acting more dense by the week.
I’m guessing she’ll be out of the slutty space cop attire and waving her arms around again in no time.
The rest of Raw was okay considering we’re a fair few weeks away from No Mercy and WWE usually make less of an effort this far away from a PPV; it was nothing special though and there were a couple of stinkers.
It’s unrealistic to expect the show to be constantly amazing for the duration, although it shouldn’t be, but that’s the fault of the WWE for insisting on it being three hours long.
I liked that fact that Enzo Amore has joined the Cruiserweights. Obviously not because of my personal taste in poorly designed characters (his promos have been utter gash for longer than most people claim them to have been), but his jump has hopefully opened the door to other Cruiserweights interacting and inevitably scrapping with lads on the main roster.
In my opinion, this current restriction is one of the key things that hold back talent on 205 Live, they shouldn’t all have to be either trying to win the title or not be used on Raw (or Smackdown!).
I originally assumed that Austin Aries would have been the first of the bunch to branch out to the main roster and transition into a feud with someone like Kevin Owens or AJ Styles. That idea was obviously shot dead mid-flight when Aries knew he could do a lot better than what was actually being offered to him.
Let’s hope that Enzo’s trip to 205 Land is a sign that my theory will soon come to fruition and the scenario isn’t really just what Vince McMahon assumes is the same as holding Enzo back a few years at school with the other little kids.
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