Join me as I shout and ball at WWE Hell In A Cell 2017 before it’s even happened!
Right, first things fucking first!
We were promised another Fashion Files on Smackdown this week and we got bent over and fisted good and proper.
If WWE robs us of this again I swear I’ll start pinning people down and licking eyeballs until my demands are met!
Cock-teasing set of pricks!
Now that’s out of the way, let’s crack on.
Rusev is one of the greatest talents on either roster and my fingers are crossed he’s on the rise again……….Although, I may have resorted to a little prayer.
Rusev vs. Randy Orton
I’m certain that I will genuinely break down in tears if Rusev loses to Orton again.
Rusev’s made so much from the little he’s been given since he came back it’s obvious that the man is great at his job. I fear this may continue to go over the heads of many at WWE and Orton will topple Handsome Rusev at Hell in a Cell and leave The Bulgarian Brute floating around aimlessly for a while before leaving.
WWE have painted themselves into a corner with this one.
AJ Styles vs. Baron Corbin
After Tye Dillinger defeated Baron Corbin on Smackdown, this match should have been turned into a triple-threat match to attempt to save any crumbs of logic that may have been scattered around.
AJ can’t lose to a man that’s become a joke and Corbin can’t keep losing and expect to be seen as anything other than the brands’ rapidly balding clown; I don’t see there being much of a market for a hybrid of Kane and Doink that just pisses and moans all the time.
Dolph Ziggler may as well move onto NXT and become the end-of-level boss for those wanting to leave to join Raw or Smackdown!
Dolph Ziggler vs. Bobby Roode
Now, Ziggler has been entertaining these past few weeks when taking the piss out of other people and their gimmicks, entrances and personalities…..or lack thereof.
Not every parody has made me chuckle, but as soon as The Undertaker’s gong sounded and folk marked the fuck out, I knew it was Ziggler trolling the shit out of everyone.
I can’t imagine Roode losing here. Surely he’s one of the NXT talents that aren’t getting the flash in the pan treatment (see: Tye Dillinger, American Alpha, Sami Zayn, etc.) and WWE has bigger and better things for him to sink his teeth into………other than Dolph Ziggler’s premature mid-life crisis.
It’s the first of two Hell in a Cell matches and hopefully the last match between these guys for a while.
The New Day vs. The Usos
I reckon the Usos need the belts more than New Day do, but I’m not strongly opinionated in how this match goes.
Both teams are great and know what they’re doing. I just need to sit back and enjoy.
The Smackdown lasses have stirred up a familiar feeling with me and it’s a shame because it’s not their fault.
Natalya vs. Charlotte Flair
In a similar manner to Raw now having Asuka’s debut looming like noisy vultures circling overhead, Carmella is waiting in the wings ready to kick today in the face and make herself the conversation point of tomorrow.
I’d like Natalya to keep hold of her title for a little while longer, but I suspect that the Money in the Bank contract is getting hot/itchy/heavy/annoying to carry around by now. If this is the plan, I suspect Charlotte’s going to get another brief title reign on her list of accomplishments before putting the strap on Carmella.
Thinking about how little the WWE Title means at the moment makes me a saaaaaad paaaaanda.
Jinder Mahal vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
Nakamura has only a few victories under his belt and some gentle momentum going into this match after Jinder beat him at SummerSlam and having the focus of this feud being juvenile mockery/laughing at photos of Shinsuke whilst trying to get a few cheap laughs/boos with outdated racist jokes from the mind of Vince McMahon.
I can’t see Jinder losing the belt before WWE head over to India for his fake homecoming and this is going to leave Nakamura floating around in mid-card hell.
If I can be wrong about anything today, this is what I’d be most happy to take on the chin. I agree with those that think the WWE Title should be contested between Nakamura and AJ Styles instead of what we’ve got.
This just feels half-arsed and it doesn’t make the belt seem as important as it should and that’s a huge shame.
I’m looking forward to the main event though, despite being a little hesitant to fully embrace it.
Kevin Owens vs. Shane McMahon
The build for this match has been long-running and well done. Seeds were planted a while ago and they even got Vince McMahon involved as a means of drastically escalating the situation and making Owens look like King Bell-end.
My main issue with this match is the same with anything involving Shane McMahon. He’s obviously fantastic for a non-wrestler and all that, but we’ve all come to expect (some have even come to demand) some big, silly spot in his matches and since the two will be in Hell in a Cell, the expectations will be that bit higher.
I have full confidence that both guys could go out there and put on a hell of a show and tell a great story without leaving the cell, but I doubt they’re going to go down that road.
Finish-wise, Owens should win this, maybe even turn Sami Zayn and involve him somehow If they’re making the effort to have Triple H hand Owens a title, feed Vince to him and now let him beat up Shane in a Cell, I’d say bigger things are planned for Owens in the WWE.
In my opinion, he’s already well on the path to go down as one of the biggest arseholes and most vile heels in wrestling history.