Armageddon 2005

Armageddon 2005 has three good-to-great matches, two squash matches and Tim White shooting himself.

• JBL vs. Matt Hardy starts us off.
  JBL somehow had star power and essence and other words for things you can’t pin down.
• His rant on Matt is awesome: ”You claim you WILL NEVER DIE but you look like I WISH I WAS DEAD.”
• I think this is when Matt Hardy was in the doghouse because JBL squashes him. Hard to tell if he was ever let out, to be honest.
• From what I remember, The Undertaker came down and beat up a load of heels. Matt suggested to a road agent that maybe it wasn’t the best idea to have him get beat up because he was in the midst of a push. The road agent agreed because IT ACTUALLY MADE SENSE but this infuriated the important people backstage so JBL demolished him in six minutes. Always amazing that WWE punishes the wrestlers by having them lose on TV, thereby punishing the fans who show up to buy Matt Hardy merchandise. Matt gets paid ether way, FFS.
• They still do the stupid ”everybody loses and wins” on Raw to this day, when even the US and IC champs make guys like Ryback and Orton look good.
• Melina sleeps with Batista so Dave doesn’t wrestle MNM later that night. Batista sleeps with her…then wrestles anyway. and wins the tag title.s Dave is such a bro. And hey, art imitating life!
• Just without John Morrison driving Batista to Melina’s house.
• I’d have gone the whole hog with it and would’ve had Batista stretchered to the ring because he’s shagged out.
• MNM vs. Mexicools was a sweet match. It took until 2012 for WWE to get a tag team division as good as SmackDown 2005′s.
• There’s nothing on the line here, it’s about being the better team. FUCK YEAH WRESTLING.
• Booker T: ”I’m gonna beat Benoit like I’m his Daddy!” 0.0
• Michael Cole: ”It’s sudden death for Chris Benoit!” DAMMIT, IT WAS FIVE YEARS AGO LET IT GO.
• Still amazing in retrospect that it took until 2006 for WWE to give Booker T a World/WWE title run.
• Really, really should have won it during the awful 2003 feud with Triple H.
• Triple H would later send Booker T out of the company. Booker only came back to WWE when HHH had stopped wrestling full-time.
• Cole & Tazz were so fun as a team. Tazz: ”Why are you talking for Booker? You don’t even look like him!” Cole: ”I have his hair.”
• Benoit gets thrown into the steel-post and Cole says ”Benoit thrown head firs- SKULL FIRST into the post!” What is it with him and heads?
• Booker T vs. Benoit was very good, even if Benoit got dropped on his head. I’m sure there’ll be no long-term consequences for it though.
• MNM ignore people backstage and check their mobile phones. 2005 assholes are 2012′s heroes. #WWEApp
• Palmer Canon in the ring with Nunzio & Vito dressed as Santa Claus. Boogeyman comes down and Vito wets himself. 2005 SmackDown in one tweet.
• Palmer Canon didn’t last long.
• Good.
• Tazz: ”Randy Orton is literally a Legend Killer.”
• Holy shit, they brought The Undertaker’s urn back in 2005? Nothing about Undi ages. NOT EVEN HIS GIMMICKS.
• Except his hair.
• Lashley vs. Regal and non-gimmick Paul Burchill. FWA Burchill had ”can’t miss” all over him, but wrestling is weird so all he got was a pirate and incest.
• It’s a squash. The second one of the PPV. There’s six matches so this PPV is 1/3 squash.  The rest is pulp.
• Regal does his best, but it being a squash makes me (and the crowd) care less than they would do if it was a singles match.
• They’d spend most of 2006 wrestling each other anyway.
• GRUMPY REF.

• Oh fuck, this angle.
• Tim White lost his job, his wife and is in constant pain. He shoots himself off-camera. One of the most ill-advised wrestling segments ever, really. Even without Benoit happening, the fact that this depressing skit was played for comedy was incredibly awkward.
• Immediately after Tim White shoots himself, Tazz breaks the silence by asking ”is Irritable Bowel Syndrome that bad?”
• Seriously, they cut to the ring and Cole’s like ”WELL, WE’RE HERE LIVE IN THE wherever arena.”
• Juvi vs. Kid Kash. Juvi was fired from WWE for being too crazy. This coming from the company that booked Tim White vs. Gun on the same PPV.
• Immediately after Tim White shot himself, Bob Costas appeared at ringside. ”White didn’t screw White, the gun screwed White.”
• If there was a feud or anything leading up to this, the commentators keep it to themselves.
• Crowd does not give a single damn about Juvi vs. Kash. They actually chant ”END THIS MATCH” mid-way through.
• The only reason the match exists is to get the belt off Juvi and get him of TV screens faster than White’s brains.
• Kash kicks out of the Juvi Driver and gives Juvi a Brainbuster With A Name to win the match and the title.
• Crowd pops because it’s over.
• These are real graphics used for New Year’s Revolution 2006. Carlito apparently turned Caucasian as well as heel.

• Rey & Dave vs. Kane & Big Show in a Tag Champs vs. Tag Champs match.
• Rey’s been at the coke.

• Forgettable nine minute match.
• After Eddy died, WWE was like WHAT DO WE DO? and booked Kane. Their knee-jerk reaction to every emergency.
• They’d repeat the Tag Champs vs. Tag Champs thing at No Way Out 2007 and it was instantly forgotten then too. And it headlined!
• Kane & Big Show win. Dave consoles Rey afterwards. I can’t wait for him to turn on him years later.
• Crowd chants ”Eddy” after the match, just to make Rey feel bad.
• Sadly this probably gave WWE the idea they were looking for. ”Rey’s Mexican! Let’s push him!”
• The whole ”Rey exploits Eddy’s death” stuff in early 2006 was unwatchable. Rey couldn’t sell oranges without dedicating each one to Eddy.
• Undi vs. Orton Hep C In A Cell.
• The first Hell in a Cell was at Bad Blood. Coincidentally, Bob Orton is at ringside.
• Randy Orton with a personality and facial expressions that aren’t ”fuck, I’m bored.” He’s closer to a serious Jack Swagger than Orton now.
• This match exists because Orton burnt Undertaker to death at No Mercy. Undertaker no-sold it.
• Not as natural feeling as previous HIAC’s, but it’s just an excuse to blow off the feud with as much carnage as possible really.
• It’s mostly remembered for Bob Orton bleeding near Undi’ with his Hepatitis C blood. Bob was gone soon afterwards but still shows up from time-to-time in the non-blood PG era.
• Everybody bleeds. Even the ref.
• Orton splashes Undertaker through a table and nearly overshoots it. He knackers his wrist as a result.
• Undi tombstones both Ortons, hits them with his urn, pins Randy and leaves.
• Bob didn’t get to bleed into Undi’s mouth Brock-style.

Overall!

Watch MNM vs. The Mexicools, Benoit vs. Booker and Undertaker vs. Orton and chant over the rest in a half-arsed manner, just like the crowd did.