Hello and thanks for showing up to reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.

And your host for this event, hailing from a dark corner in the North East of England, someone more blunt than a sledgehammer to the bollocks, a guy with the grumpiness of a man three times his age and the only person able to get more hot and bothered than the bastard child of Ric Flair and James E. Cornette, Danny Damage.

The Raw Rant, 14th May 2012

Hello everyone and welcome to the last Monday Night Raw before Over the Limit this Sunday. Your Raw and Smackdown General Manager, Mr. John Laurinaitis bumps into Triple H backstage who says he has something to say in the ring.

Triple H enters the ring and talks shit about Brock Lesnar for a while, Paul E. Heyman joins him and serves him a lawsuit from Brock. HHH grabs hold of Heyman and leaves after calming himself down, but Paul E. takes great pride in informing HHH that he’ll be adding an additional charge of assault and battery against him now. Some solid microphone work from Heyman as always and HHH still has the bad-ass death-glare down to a fine art, even with the suit and Stone Cold style brace, but for his arm.

CM Punk & Santino Marella defeat Cody Rhodes & Daniel Bryan. Punk hits Cody with the Go to Sleep after Bryan calls it a day and leaves the ring, staring down Punk after the bell. REALLY looking forward to this one at Over the Limit. I’ve got my fingers crossed for a MOTY contender and hoping I won’t be robbed like at Wrestlemania. Okay, I wasn’t expecting anything mind-boggling between Bryan and Sheamus, just not what we got.

Beth Phoenix defeats Alicia Fox. Beth hits the Glam Slam after a short time, Layla looks on and makes the save from the post-match beat down, yawn. No real build for this match so it still seems a little chucked together at the last minute.

Video package of Cena’s Make a Wish work after asking us to Like him on Facebook. Anyone else feel their heart strings a-tugging?

Raw fact #9999: Monday Night Raw got better ratings last week than NBA, MBL and NHL TV shows. It’s nice to see one promotion shout about their Neilsen Ratings when another (*cough* TNA Impact *cough*) just completely ignore/do their best to hide theirs.

Kane defeats The Big Show with a VERY sloppy chokeslam, not the worst ever (that’d be Undertaker vs. Hogan), but still, a pretty shitty effort. Laurinaitis makes Big Show get on his knees and beg for his job, Show complies and gets fired anyway. Bow down to the evil GM! Mwuahahahahahaaaa!

Jerry Lawler puts his serious face and voice on to say how The Big Show didn’t deserve that, Michael Cole simply stares down silently as if he’s not sure what he’s meant to say. I have an idea Cole. You’re the heel, right? You need to go along with the things the “bad people” do and say. How about “Well, that’s what happens when you cross the boss”? I’m pretty sure you can manage that. I’m positive that I’ve heard you say something to that effect in the last few weeks. You can’t pick and choose when to be the heel, no matter how big of a prick your boss is being. Pick a side and stick to it, stop fucking jumping back and forth every time you think your character “isn’t that much of a heel” or when you need a quick morality pick-me-up because you’ve developed another layer of jowl that we can all hear EVERY time you say dub-b-b-b-ble-yoo-dub-b-b-b-ble-yoo-eee!

Funkasaurus, Kofi Kingston & R-Truth defeat Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger & The Miz. Brodus hits The Splash on The Miz after Kofi sets him up with the Trouble in Paradise. For anyone interested, Vickie Guerrero was dressed as the red Hungry-Hungry Hippo this week.

AJ is backstage wishing CM Punk luck in his match on Sunday, possibly leading to something, or not. Actually, unless she wipes the 24/7 mopey look from her face, I’d prefer if Daniel Bryan kept running solo. I don’t really feel there’s any need to get her involved and the “pretty face at ringside” doesn’t really work when she looks like she’s constantly giving someone the sad eyes.

Chris Jericho defeats Randy Orton by DQ. Y2J pisses off Sheamus the guest commentator, who drags Jericho out of the ring, causing the referee to call for the bell. Most of the focus of the Smackdown main event for Over the Limit seems to be on Sheamus and Orton clashing, I’d personally like Jericho to sneak in and steal the belt, but I’m not holding my breath.

Mr. Laurinaitis comes out to reveal his ground-breaking announcement before John Cena interrupts him and calls him a loser for 10 minutes. Things backfire for Laurinaitis in the end as the board of directors send him a message (by Hoeski-mail) and they have decided against all suggested stipulations that Johnny made regarding his match at Over the Limit. It’ll now be a straight 1-on-1 match, anyone interfering will be fired and if Laurinaitis loses, he’ll be getting fired also. Johnny = gutted.

Afterthoughts

A valiant effort from Raw this week. A much more colourful and animated John Cena compared to last week. However, the Ace Ventura impression did start to grate on me after the 23rd or 24th time.

The Big Show’s sacking went on for a bit too long I think. I know they’re still pushing Laurinaitis as ‘Cock-head of the decade’, but a heavily padded out segment of a 7-foot man on his knees, crying, got old pretty quick.

The matches on the Over the Limit card have been worked on quite well, except the Divas. The tag title match feels a bit last minute too, but knowing that all the guys involved have great chemistry together anyway, means I’m expecting something fun from them at least. The fatal four way should be entertaining too and I might just break out the popcorn for the Punk/Dragon main event. Here’s the card for this Sunday.

WWE Championship
CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan

World Heavyweight Championship
Sheamus vs. Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton vs. Alberto del Rio

John Cena vs. John Laurinaitis

World Tag Team Championship
Kofi Kingston & R-Truth vs. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

WWE Divas Championship
Layla vs. Beth Phoenix

Zack Ryder vs. Kane
(WWE.com/Facebook/Youtube Pre-show)

Digest and discuss! Thanks for reading, take care and I’ll see you next week.

Danny Damage
@BluntDamage

The good people of Try This On For Size (who are good enough for Kevin Steen’s approval so therefore good enough for me) wanted to make a Botchamania T-Shirt and give me money so BY GOD there’s a Botchamania T-Shirt for sale.

http://trythisonforsize.bigcartel.com

(neither of the people in this video are Maffew)

WWE themselves (?!) have uploaded the legendary Hogan YAPPAPI INDIAN STRAP MATCH, JACK promos by Hogan from February 2000. In honour of this, here’s the other Hogan promos and the match itself! Interesting that their video is exactly the same as the video I uploaded years ago of the two promos. They weren’t featured on the same show, so this is no coincidence. However, it’s also no big deal.

Hello and thanks for showing up to reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.

Your host for this event, hailing from a dark corner in the North East of England, someone more blunt than a sledgehammer to the bollocks, a guy with the grumpiness of a man three times his age and the only person able to get more hot and bothered than the bastard child of Ric Flair and James E. Cornette, Danny Damage.

Raw Rant, 7th May 2012

Welcome one and all, it’s time for Monday Night Raw! Your opener, as expected, is a video package from last week: Cena gets a kicking from Laurinaitis and co.

Speaking of the GM, he makes his way to the ring. Mr. Laurinaitis admits he lost his temper last week, unleashing a wave of destruction that nobody could withstand. It’s his ‘tough but fair’ policy that caused the board of directors to not get in touch with him to deal with the matter further. Johnny says that Cena will not be here tonight but he will be appearing later via satellite and that this is a great demonstration of what happens when you make fun of him or challenge his leadership skills. We’re also forced to look at Laurinaitis in trunks, showing us a few stills from his work in Japan and a sneak-peak at the sight we’ll be seeing in a couple of weeks. CM Punk joins Johnny in the ring and insults him until the crowd get bored of cheering along, saying he’s stupid, ugly, friendless and a gigantic toolbox. Johnny thanks Punk for his contribution by putting him in a match with Lord Tensai later. CM Punk looks forward to the challenge and to Cena making Laurinaitis tap out at Over the Limit.

A pissed off John Laurinaitis bumps into The Big Show backstage and tells Show he should move out of the way when he’s walking by. Big Show waits for him to leave and amuses himself with an impression of his boss. The smile is wiped off his face however, when he turns around to see Eve glaring at him.

Intercontinental Title Match
The Big Show defeats Cody Rhodes via count out. Big Show tossed Cody around for a few minutes until Rhodes took his belt and ran away. After the match, Eve confronts Big Show and forces two apologies out of him for the earlier mocking of Mr. Laurinaitis.

Dolph Ziggler (w/Vicky & Jack Swagger) defeated Kofi Kingston (w/R-Truth & Little Jimmy) thanks to a Zigzag on a distracted Kofi. Nice to see Ziggler actually win a match for a change, he’s normally too busy putting other guys over, which kind of gets in the way of scoring a win from time to time.

Michael Cole stands in the ring and welcomes John Cena on the Titantron. Cena says his condition isn’t great and his doctors have advised he avoids the ring for a few months. This isn’t going to happen though, he’s going against their orders and he can’t wait to get his hands on Laurinaitis at Over the Limit. Cole asks Cena if he’s scared because of the skills he’s seen in videos of Johnny in Japan. Cena says he’s more scared of Laurinaitis hurting himself before he can get his hands on him and that the board of directors actually contacted him after the attack last week, He he told them to make sure they don’t fire him before Over the Limit so he can kick his ass.

Layla & Kelly Kelly defeat Natalya & Maxine, finishing with Layla’s neck-breaker. Beth Phoenix talks smack on commentary about Layla and their match at Over the Limit as they stare each other down after the match. Kelly Kelly impresses me for the first time of the year by staying out of the ring.

Chris Jericho & Alberto del Rio (w/Ricardo Rodriguez) defeat Sheamus & Randy Orton. Y2J ducks the Brogue Kick which hits Orton instead, Jericho hits the Codebreaker on a distracted Sheamus for the pin. Sheamus tries to help Randy on his feet and is hit with an RKO. Hmm, Tit-head of the night goes to Michael Cole (as usual) during this match. Orton uses a drop kick and Cole claims you don’t see him using one of those very often………

John Laurinaitis is in his office and he sends Eve away to get another apology from The Big Show. Chris Jericho appears and demands he’s rewarded a title match after just pinning the champ, Alberto says that he’s next in line already which leads Orton to show up to say he also deserves a title shot, just because. Orton gets knocked around until Sheamus runs in and they clear the heels out of the room. Orton and Sheamus argue a little but Johnny shuts everyone up by making the title match at Over the Limit a Fatal Four-way.

Brodus Clay (w/Naomi & Cameron) defeats The Miz after hitting the Funkaplex/splash combo. Sadly, The Miz whines for a while before the match, making me very bored for twice as long. Some VERY generous (over) selling from Clay, making a good effort of looking effected by the attacks of an angry child with a fake tan addiction.

HHH update, well a recap from last week first. Cole and Lawler discuss HHH’s arm needing surgery but still working as usual, showing pictures of HHH in meetings wearing an arm brace.

Brock Lesnar’s music hits as Cole lets us know that Lesnar isn’t here tonight, but his legal representative is. After a small build-up using Brock’s music, Paul E. Heyman storms down to the ring! Here it is, what I hoped for, Heyman here to talk for Brock Lesnar. Paul E. tells everyone how accomplished Brock is, how badly done to he’s been in his short time back and that he has an official statement to read from the man himself. Brock says he’s not impressed how he’s been messed around again just like eight years ago and that’s he done, he quits. Heyman leaves the ring and that, as they say, is that.

Big Show is talking backstage to ‘two people plugging a TV series I’ll never watch’ while taking the piss out of Laurinaitis. His smile is once again removed by the sight of Eve when he turns around. Lord Tensai vs. Big Show next week?

John Laurinaitis interrupts CM Punk’s entrance to inform him he’ll now be competing in a handicap match against Lord Tensai and the number one contender for his title, Daniel Bryan.

Lord Tensai (w/Sakamoto) & Daniel Bryan defeat CM Punk with the green-mist-claw-slam. Bryan picks the bones after the match locking on the YES! Lock a couple of times, shouting that Punk isn’t better than him.

Additional Thoughts
Once again I’m fairly impressed with Raw. It wasn’t nearly as good as Daniel Bryan smashing the Beat the Clock Challenge last week, but it did have some good bits. These were Paul E. Heyman AND his work on the stick, Ziggler actually winning a match, a taster of Punk/Bryan at Over the Limit and ZERO Teddy Long! They’re doing a half-decent job at continuing Laurinaitis’ push as the uber-evil GM, trying to follow a similar path to the Austin/McMahon feuds of the 90s/00s.

Don’t go thinking I’m all smiles and sunshine though, far from it. That backstage fight between Sheamus, Y2J, Alberto and Orton was abysmal, Funkasaurus/Miz took up several minutes of my life that I’d like back and John Cena is back to his robotic self again. I actually liked that he’d got a bit of personality and colour back while shooting promos with the Rock around Wrestlemania, but now he looks like he’s back in cardboard cut-out form. C’mon kids, get your John Cena costume on and let’s fight the bad guys!

Digest and discuss! Thanks for reading, take care and I’ll see you next week.

Danny Damage
@BluntDamage

Is Jericho’s head on a different body? Or is it just me?

The video so bad, it got Goldust fired, Botchamania 206: RygarBack!

Music…
Title Screen by Lyndon Sharp, Matthew Simmonds (Micro Machines)
Story by Atomic Hanada (Fighter’s History 2: Mizoguchi Kiki Ippatsu!!)
The Battle by Nobuo Uematsu (Final Fantasy V)
Frosty Village by David Wise (Diddy Kong Racing)

Thanks to…
ThaFrigginCaptain for the awesome Abe’s Odyssey/Zandig mash-up.
ToxicZeroNumber for the fabulous ending

Does the audio sound choppy to anyone else? It’s driving me mad, yet other people seem to think it sounds OK.

Who is Fighting Who?  If Only Lillian Knew
By Imogen Reed

Some wrestlers can be thought of as a car crash waiting to happen. Think Sin Cara. What about a pint-sized hostess who’s only job is to introduce the stars? Well, she is a cycle accident maybe. Sure, the car accidents are much more spectacular with bits flying everywhere and dedicated YouTube streams, but cycle accidents can be just as painful for those concerned.

A few days ago at the WWE Smackdown, Lilian Garcia went over the handlebars when she was handed the relatively simple task of introducing Zack Ryder AKA Long Island Iced Z. What could possibly go wrong? Take a look.

Yup, she called the dude Jack Swagger. How could she make such a blooper? Does she not watch YouTube? Sure, both men are big, blond and American. Sure they are both muscle mountains or perhaps she was just jealous of Vickie Guerrero? Thinking I want a slice of that pie. Guerrero gets Swagger and Dolph Ziggler fighting over her, while poor old Lilian has a man who made his fame on Twittermania.

It is a heart-warming story though, isn’t it? Dubbed the Ryder Revolution, poor old Zack was getting no airtime. Wrestling away off TV, he wanted some more of the action. No problem, he did what anyone would do. Not getting promoted at work? Not got that million-dollar bonus for investing other people’s money so well? Well, start a YouTube series. Dubbed, Z! True Long Island Story and getting his message out on Twitter too, Ryder took on the big powers and got the crowd chanting his name. Now he’s back and one of the main Smackdown stars. The boy did good.

Or did he? Look at the title. There’s a clue there. “True” and “story” are the giveaway. They chanted. The organizers gave in and ol’ Babyface was back in the action. He beat Primo last June on Raw. This time they weren’t really chanting his name. More like “did she just call him Jack Swagger?”

Going into 2012, Ryder’s had a lot on his mind. Bless. The poor chap has been trying to woo Eve. This led to some punishment from Kane who slammed the hapless Ryder through the stage. What bad luck, standing right there on the only bit of stage leading directly to some kind of pointless pit. Lucky they weren’t storing spikes there. By this time, he’d lost his United States Championship crown to Jack Swagger. Ah there we are, no wonder Lillian got herself confused. This leads us up to the March 23 edition of Smackdown.

The March 23 Smackdown started off with some light banter between Daniel Bryan and AJ Lee. What a lovely couple, they spoon apparently. Good to know. This of course makes Sheamus vomit in his mouth, as would anyone really, but it is a good opportunity for some Daniel vs. Sheamus banter ahead of Wrestlemania. Don’t tell Zack, he’s still on Twitter. The first fight is between R Truth and Mark Henry. This then leads into Yokozuna’s induction into the WWE Hall of Fame. It’s not often that a sumo rank gets into a hall of fame, what next? Ozeki or Komusubi?
Then Zack gets his first chance of the night. Not to fight, that comes later. No, he persuades Teddy to let him on the team. At first Teddy is sceptical, it would not be much of a story if he wasn’t, it would be like Faramir being unaffected by the one ring. The introduction of Zack’s buddy, Hornswoggle, however, changes all that. Go Team!

AJ Lee then gets her hair pulled, how unfair, by Brie Bella, but wins the tie. This leads Daniel to cite his coaching prowess, while Nikki Bella bemoans Brie’s arrogance in dismissing hers. Some people just do not listen.

Now back to our feature dude’s nemesis, Jack Swagger and he’s up against, erm… Jack Swagger. Yup, it’s time for Lilian’s fateful botch. So, Swagger’s fighting himself? Is it a new schizophrenic/multiple-personality thing they’ve got going on there? Actors playing so many characters they cannot cope. No, it’s poor old YouTube dude, Zack taking on and beating Swagger. After that defeat he’ll be plain old Jack.

Forget the fights though, it seems like WWE is botching its own anti-bullying campaign. The botch about the botch came after fans complained about John Cena, a friend of Zack’s. Cena praised Lilian’s looks, but disparaged her mental abilities. As if to offer a refrain Lilian said “Hey my Lil Rockers, just want to tell you that I LUV YOU, I LUV YOU, I LUV YOU!! You are the BEST fans in the world!!” to her fans. That told him, however, it’s left people wondering about WWE’s Be a Star campaign which aims to take bullying out of wrestling. Surely that’s the point or are they going to settle bouts with rock, paper, scissors?

I’ve just discovered this cute ditty by Alberto Jose Gonzalez who went all out on the title theme, which must surely be the longest Game Boy title song. Feel free to prove me wrong, but until then enjoy the soothing beats.

There’s nothing wrong with getting a tattoo. Tattoos are supposed to show that you’re so passionate about something that you’re willing to leave it on your skin for the rest of your life. Getting a tattoo of someone of the opposite sex has always always struck me as creepy though (unless there’s perfectly acceptable ”She was my first love and now she’s dead” reasons), so part of me feels the tattooist did a deliberately bad job of the face so the victim recipient could claim the tattoo represents how physical appearances on a woman aren’t important to him so he can blag himself closer to butterfaces. And then skin them alive.

Two months on the internet is the equivalent to two years in real time, so assuming all my fans haven’t moved on or died out, here’s Botchamaia 205: Brodus Clayfighter!

Music…
Hello, Happy Kingdom by Yoko Shimomura (Super Mario RPG)
Gygas Dying by Keiichi Suzuki (Earthbound)
Road Warriors by Miki Higashino, Masanori Adachi, Tachihi Iwase (Contra III: The Alien Wars)
Spaceport Alpha by David Wise (Diddy Kong Racing)

Thanks to…
Clint for the Icarus Intro
Icarus for being filmed
BigMikeyStyle for the ending
Shane Radicall for the ring break

There’s been a large gap and two more PPVs since the last one so expect BM206 soon!