Hell In A Cell Matches Reviewed Using The Nicolas Cage System

Some good, some bad but all involving a Cage.

Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels (In Your House: Badd Blood)
Well-booked, amazing match and the debut of Kane. Pretty much perfect.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Leaving Las Vegas.

Steve Austin & Undertaker vs. Mankind & Kane (Raw June 15th 1998)
Just an angle, but features the debut of Mankind’s shirt and tie look. And a brutal chair-shot.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Honeymoon in Vegas.

Undertaker vs. Mankind (King Of The Ring 1998)
What more needs to be said? Two wrecked guys show up to a match they were just hoping would not be terrible.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Face/Off.

Mankind vs. Kane (Raw August 24 1998)
Like the tag match, more angle than match. And ends via DQ. Because Russo.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Gone in Sixty Seconds.

Big Boss Man vs. Undertaker (Wrestlemania XV)
Notable only for Boss Man’s hand-cuffs accidentally breaking and Michael Cole talking about how the Cell is deadly because you can get your fingers caught in it. Oh and Boss Man dying afterwards.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be The Wicker Man.

Big Boss Man vs. Al Snow (Unforgiven 1999)
The Kennel From Hell, featuring Al Snow and dog-fucking. Absolutely hilarious, especially when riffed on. Or high.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Deadfall.

Triple H vs. Cactus Jack (No Way Out 2000)
The match that caused Powerslam Magazine to refer to Mick Foley as a dirty liar every single issue. Title vs. Career, Foley dying once again and Triple H confirming that he was The Man in 2000.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Lord of War.

Kurt Angle vs. HHH vs. The Rock vs. Steve Austin vs. Undertaker vs. Rikishi (Armageddon 2000)

Just a big ol’ brawl to tease future PPV main events. Not bad, but it’s just a popcorn fight compared to other HIAC matches with actual storylines and not just ”oh my god this PPV is going to bomb unless we do something drastic, quick put every main eventer in the Cell and drop Rikishi off the Cell into a truck filled with sawdust.”

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Con Air.

Triple H vs. Chris Jericho (Judgement Day 2002)
The first time the Cell was brought out to perform open-heart surgery on a feud. HHH cleanly pins Jericho at Wrestlemania X8, loses to the title to Hogan at Backlash and then thinks ”fuck it, I think I’ll pin Jericho again.” Nearly all the spots are taken from previous HIAC matches except without the heat. Tim White has his career ended thanks to Jericho, match didn’t even headline the B-PPV it was on.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Stolen.

Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker (No Mercy 2002)
If you ignore the ”Undertaker has an injured hand but he took some ‘medicine’ before the match and he’s OK” sub-plot, this is an old-school bleed-everywhere, beat the shit out of your opponent match. Also Brock won, which was another notch in his belt in his debut year.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Snake Eyes.

Triple H vs. Kevin Nash (Badd Blood 2003)
The only thing funnier than 2003 Nash doing HIAC was 2011 Nash doing ladder matches. In fairness, it’s not as bad as you would expect. They use every shortcut known to Mankind (who was reffing) including a toolbox, screwdriver and wooden crate. But then again when the best thing you can think of to say about a match is ”it’s not as bad as you would expect” it’s not going to be great.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Ghost Rider.

Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels (Bad Blood 2004)
I haven’t seen it but everyone tells me to leave it alone.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be The Weather Man.

Triple H vs. Batista (Vengeance 2005)
Whereas the last two HHHIAC matches were about extending vanity feuds, this match was about getting Batista the fuck over. And the fuck over he got, as HHH tried everything to put away Big Dave but he just shrugged it all off as the crowd gushed. Good cheesy action all the way.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be The Rock.

Undertaker vs. Randy Orton (Armageddon 2005)
Once again Armageddon has fuck-all going for it so we turn to HIAC. In fairness, Orton and Undertaker had feuded for half-a-year on/off. Orton tombstones Undi and Bob Orton nearly gives everyone Hep C. Over the top goodness.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Vampire’s Kiss.

Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon & Big Show vs. HHH & Shawn Michaels (Unforgiven 2006)

Definitely a different type of HIAC match compared to the rest and again HIAC is dusted off to extend a feud that was over-and-done-with at Wrestlemania. And D-X vs. McMahons the most on-sided feud WWE’s ever put out (that didn’t involve Sheamus). Man asses and squashes abound.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Amos & Andrew.

Batista vs. Undertaker (Survivor Series 2007)
”Batista sucks…apart from he’s wrestling Undertaker. Then he’s awesome.” – everyone in 2007. Not the best match of their feud, but it’s two guys with crazy chemistry together as a back-drop to the edgy finish…which resulted in more matches and feuds. HIAC is supposed to be a feud-ender, but if the end result is more good matches then I’m good with it.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Undertaker vs. Edge (Summerslam 2008)
Christ, the effects of the last HIAC lead to the next one nine months later? Anyone says negative things about 2007-2008, look at this level of organisation and weep. Anyway, Edge and Undertaker had already head-lined Wrestlemania (noticing a pattern here yet?) and this the final final honest final match so it’s more focused on the crazy spots than the story-telling. Switch your brain off and enjoy.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Werewolf Women of the SS.

Undertaker vs. CM Punk (Hell In A Cell 2009)
And so we go from Hell In A Cell to Another Match For Cash.
First match of the PPV, lasts ten minutes, nearly a squash. The Punk vs. Undertaker feud of 2009 was a complete bomb entertainment wise. Waste of time.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Spirit of Vengeance.

John Cena vs. Randy Orton (Hell In A Cell 2009)
This feud was dragging in 2009. Think about that. Orton does a good impression of a sadist but the match drags and drags and..I don’t know why I’m typing this out. If you want to watch Orton vs. Cena you’re probably not the type of person to wanna read any of this.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Seeking Justice.

D-Generation X vs. Legacy (Hell In A Cell 2009)
The feud was nearly as one-sided as The Spirit Squad one from 2006 and thought it was a waste of time for everybody but even I had to admit this match was good in terms of story-telling. Whenever D-X would overcome the odds like old heroes it would work, sadly they spent most of the reunited tours pinning everybody alive. But yeah. Begrudging thumbs up.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be National Treasure.

Randy Orton vs. Sheamus (Hell In A Cell 2010)
The only thing I remember about this was Sheamus giving Orton a back-breaker via his knee whilst on some steel steps and being told this was a good match. If you say so.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Knowing.

Kane vs. Undertaker (Hell In A Cell 2010)
No.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Left Behind.

Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton (Hell In A Cell 2011)
Henry’s push was so well done and he’d won the title a few weeks before this…so it was all downhill from there. Not as bad as I remembered, at the time I was in full-on I LOVE MARK HENRY mode so every time he sold for Orton I went ”noooooo.” Decent.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be 8mm.

Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena vs. CM Punk (Hell In A Cell 2011)
Everyone beats the hell out of each other and it’s always good to see a heel genuinely outsmart Cena and get away with it…and then ADR wins the title. Which made no sense (like the rest of the writing around this time). So yeah. A good if confusing match.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Wild At Heart.

Undertaker vs. Triple H (WrestleMania XXVIII)
Go a lot of criticism from people at the time but they can go to hell. Old men being manly for one last time (ha) to close the door (ha) on their careers (ha).

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Kick-Ass.

CM Punk vs. Ryback (Hell In A Cell 2012)
Oh the shit-storm this match caused at the time. Well, on Twitter. Everyone went ”OH IT’S TOO SOON FOR RYBACK” and ”HOW ARE THEY GONNA GET OUT OF THIS”. After the finish, grown men with jobs went ”FUCKING WWE” and there was much hilarity. Anyway, Punk works to Ryback’s positives and makes him look like the second coming, with the crowd behind The Big Guy the entire time.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Raising Arizona

CM Punk vs. Ryback & Paul Heyman (Hell In A Cell 2013)
Ah that time when Heyman and Punk were feuding…but they couldn’t have Heyman actually wrestle so Ryback was just the ”also starring” to the main feature. I wanted to like it, but Ryback had fallen so much since last year so no-one thought he was going to win. And he didn’t. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Season of the Witch.

Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan (Hell In A Cell 2013)
Every Orton and Bryan match was at least great, even if their PPV matches were mired by something (fast-counts, Big Show) so this is a contender for best HIAC match at the HIAC PPV. White-hot crowd, suspense and turns. And it lead to Wrestlemania XXX.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Red Rock West.

John Cena vs. Randy Orton (Hell In A Cell 2014)
YES, THEY MADE ANOTHER ONE. In fairness, when Orton hit the RKO Outta Nowhere (and it actually was Outta Nowhere this time) and the match had ended mid-Cena comeback sequence then I’d have loved this match. Wasn’t meant to be though.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be National Treasure: Book of Secrets.

Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins (Hell In A Cell 2014)
So after years of having matches that just happen to take place in The Cell, we finally get a full-on Hell In A Cell match with hate and violence and piss. For a while this was the end of the Ambrose/Rollins feud (Well, the end of Part VI anyway) and just when you think Ambrose is going to get his revenge…hologram Wyatt shows up and steals it from him. If this had resulted in a coherent Wyatt/Ambrose feud then fair enough, but after ambulances, exploding TVs and Sister Abigails Outta Nowhere it only made Bray Wyatt and inanimate objects look credible.

If It Was A Nicolas Cage Film It Would Be Joe.