The Bodydonnas vs. The New Rockers
Cloudy debuts on the pre-show. Now I remember why I haven’t watched this show before. Sunny managed The Bodydonnas until she realised they sucked and switched to the Smoking Gunns (then did the same for The Godwinns when she realised she was managing Billy Gunn. She truly screwed her way to the bottom). Hurt at being screwed by Sunny, Skip and Zip (or Zig and Zag or Bill and Ben or whatever they were called) debut Wrestlecrap inductee, Cloudy.

Wordplay aside, this demonstrates the utter lack of positive creativity WWF had around 1995-1996. And also Vince’s sense of humour, which seems to cover fat people, dwarves, transvestites and poo. Cloudy wouldn’t last long or do much in the grand scheme of things and it’s not like (s)he derailed anything positive as The Bodydonnas were as credible as the rest of the tag teams at this point (re: not very credible). It’s one of those confusing things wrestling fans look at and try to figure out why anybody would want to watch The Bodydonnas w/ a one-joke transvestite.

Given that Cloudy was a (bad) transvestite, can we call her CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF BALLS?

Cloudy would later re-appear in an ironic manner at ECW Crossing The Line Again. I don’t think ECW was happy with the reaction it received as it’s edited down to a few seconds.

And as if a paragraph or two on Cloudy wasn’t enough, they wrestled The New Rockers! A parody of 1970s heart-throbs aimed at kids too young to get it and adults who don’t care. Just like today when WWE aims their product towards twelve year olds and wheel out legends like Dusty Rhodes and Bob Orton and expect to have a quality product.

The match was fast-paced and full of effort as you’d expect from Snow and Candido but features some odd moments like Candido taking a top rope powerbomb as a transitional move. Match was relegated to the Free-For-All position to make matters worse.

King of the Ring Semi-Finals: Steve Austin vs. Marc Mero (w/Sable).
If Twitter was around in ’96, people would be posting ”LOL WCW 1994 = WWF 1996” comments. Well, Austin jumped because he was fired via FedEx and Mero had a contract dispute or something, but on paper it made sense for them to leave anyway. I remember going online and discovering rants from talented (and not-so-talented) writers about wrestling for the first time and being amazed at the backlash for Marc Mero. I’ve never understood the lack of love for the guy despite being nothing but great up until his knee injury. Here’s a fine example as the match tells a story, gets plenty of time and features tons of effort. And Mero busts open Austin’s lip and he has to go to the hospital mid-show to get stitched up which only adds to the myth of Austin.

King of the Ring Semi-Finals: Jake Roberts vs. Vader (w/Jim Cornette).
There’s signs around the arena with stuff like ”WWF is King of the Hill, not over it! (like WCW)”. Meanwhile, Jake Roberts comes out to wrestle. Jake Roberts plays sympathetic veteran against a monster heel but a ”Vader” chant breaks out anyway. There were definitely changing attitudes emerging from sections of the crowds at this point in time.

I’m a big (Van) Vader fan so it disheartens me to type ”Vader loses to Jake Roberts via DQ.” but there you go. It works on a meta level though, as you’re lead to believe Jake will triumph and win his potential last shot later on BECAUSE he gets savaged by Vader afterwards. Because it’s wrestling.

Silly that Vader would lose here then challenge for the belt two months later. You’d think they have somebody disposable and big wrestle Jake here. Or maybe I just get annoyed every time Vader wins because I wanted him to win every belt and never lose ever.

WWF Tag Team Titles: The Godwinns (w/Hillbilly Jim) vs. The Smoking Gunns (w/Sunny).
Nothing interesting happens here, other than realising Billy would win the tournament three years later.

Jerry Lawler vs. The Ultimate Warrior.
Ultimate Warrior’s entrance music has more caffeine than Relentless. Warrior’s mini-comeback in 1996 consisted of three PPV matches and they ALL have stories behind them. This match’s story occurred after the match, as WWE produced the tremendous The Self Destruction of The Ultimate Warrior in 2005. Designed to disparage the good (ha!) name of WARRIAH, it loses steam towards the end and they included a segment where Lawler was mad at Warrior for wearing a hat for an angle and acts like Warrior got on the mic and shouted ”BENOIT BENOIT BENOIT WRESTLING’S FAKE BENOIT.” Unintentional hilarity.

With Jerry Lawler in shot, someone flashes a RFVIDEO sign on camera. Make your own joke.

The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) vs. Mankind
I remember watching Mankind vs. Undi in ’96 and thinking ”What the FUCK is Mankind?” Then he beat Undi and I thought ”Oh, he’s good.” The concept of somebody called ”Mankind” confused and impressed my young, impressionable mind, as did everything else Mankind did. Goldust and Mankind were so ‘out there’ by 1996 standards. They’re the token drug sequence in the Disney film of WWF. It’d be shit gimmick, shit gimmick, forgettable character, MANKIND AND GOLDUST, shit gimmick, Shawn Michaels main event.

”I have never seen anybody dominate The Undertaker like this!” Jim Ross during every single Undi’ match on PPV 1993-1998. Undertaker was like Wolverine in X-Men: Whenever they needed to put over a new character (Gambit, Cable) they’d have them beat up Wolverine, with differing results.

Intercontinental Title: Goldust (w/Marlena) vs. Ahmed Johnson.
Goldust pretending to be gay to play on wrestler’s anxieties and fears to win matches and titles is something they should use in the BE A STAR commercials. ”People picked on me for being gay, so I took their belts and gave them mouth-to-mouth backstage! BE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION (everybody else is).”

As a kid I never thought Goldust was gay as I never thought the guy was human. Whatever planet he was from, he was probably considered socially acceptable. Him turning out to be straight the entire time made it even better. Sadly he didn’t bust out a ”Ha ha! If you were more accepting of people you’d still be champion!” promo.

The only thing better than Goldust was UNSTOPPABLE BLACK GUY JAHMED AWESOME. KOTR used to have men opening the doors for wrestlers to emerge from (The Hardy Boyz played this part one year) and Ahmed just PLOWS through them both and knocks the doors open himself. Goldberg didn’t have shit on Ahmed.

Goldust applies a sleeper hold on Ahmed. Owen Hart: ”He’s OK, when you’ve got a pea-sized brain you don’t need much blood flow.”

Goldust’s Homo-Eroticism backfires (sorry) and Ahmed gets pissed off Goldust’s mouth-to-mouth and beats him with his narrow mind to claim the title. According to his shoot interview, Ahmed told Goldust to place his hand over his mouth before doing the spot, but Dust being Dust he didn’t so Ahmed’s raging punches at the end of the match aren’t pulled.

King of the Ring Finals: Steve Austin vs. Jake Roberts

“The first thing I want to be done is to get that piece of crap out of my ring. Don’t just get him out of the ring, get him out of the WWF, because I proved, son, without a shadow of a doubt, that you ain’t got what it takes anymore! You sit there, and you thump your bible, and you say your prayers, and it didn’t get you anywhere. Talk about your Psalms, talk about John 3:16 – AUSTIN 3:16 SAYS I JUST WHIPPED YOUR ASS! All he’s gotta do is go buy him a cheap bottle of Thunderbird and try to get back some of that courage he had in his prime. As the king of the ring, I’m servin’ notice to every one of the ‘WWF superstars.’ I don’t give a damn what they are, they’re all on the list, and that’s Stone Cold’s list, and I’m fixin’ to start runnin’ through all of them. As far as this championship match is considered, son, I don’t give a damn if it’s Davey Boy Smith or Shawn Michaels. Steve Austin’s time has come, and when I get the shot, you’re lookin’ at the next WWF Champion, and that’s the bottom line because Stone Cold said so!”

The beauty of Austin vs. Roberts is how subversive it is. Roberts’ last chance at success, never held a WWF title, bad ribs from being beaten up by Vader…and he fucking loses. It should be like watching Gazza miss that one kick at Euro ’96 but instead, Austin’s speech made him the most entertaining character on a show with Mankind and Goldust. The crowd cheering afterwards only adds to the subversion and changing perspective.

WWF Heavyweight Title: Shawn Michaels vs. The British Bulldog (w/Jim Cornette & Diana Hart-Smith).
I loved Bulldog as a kid and WWF did everything they could to change that by having him lose every damn shot at the World Title he had. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’d end up bringing Diana Hart-Smith with him.

Bulldog fucks up a dive late in the match. Jim Ross: ”Bulldogs don’t belong in the air, Bulldogs belong on the ground!” Owen Hart: ”Jose pulled the ropes!”

Match is good but has more than one sloppy moment in it. Bulldog takes his weird turnbuckle bump..and DOESN’T land on his head, which more than makes up for it. In theory, Bulldog is supposed to go back-first and bounce off and land on his back but more often than not he’d plummet head-first.
Post-match Warrior, Johnson and HBK team up to fight away Vader, Bulldog and Owen to set up the next PPV’s main event…which Warrior flaked on and got replaced by Sid. Even when he’s not appearing on matches there’s stories about Warrior.

Botch of the Night (brought to you by Yorkshire Tea) is this confusing production error.

Token Vlad Appearance

There’s way more good on the show than bad. It’s the Austin 3:16 show for God’s sake.