Raw Rant 06/04/12
Hello and thanks for showing up to reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.
And your host for this event, hailing from a dark corner in the North East of England, someone more blunt than a sledgehammer to the bollocks, a guy with the grumpiness of a man three times his age and the only person able to get more hot and bothered than the bastard child of Ric Flair and James E. Cornette, Danny Damage.
The Raw Rant, 4th June 2012
Hello and welcome to the final two hour edition of Monday Night Raw. We are of course welcomed with a video recap from last week. Tonights offering is The Big Show’s path of destruction over the last week.
Next up is the apparent “Voice of the WWE”, Michael Cole, interviewing John Cena. All the kids and their mums cheer Cena until they get bored of that and John Laurinaitis comes out to let Cena book his own match tonight, Cena chooses Michael Cole. Wow, another awesome John Cena match for me to look forward to………..
The Sheamus not apologising recap video is brought to you by our healthy, sports entertainment lifestyle approving friends at-, oh wait, it’s Pizza Hut, never mind. I know it’s all a money game but it always amuses me how a sports company with athletes in prime physical condition happen to plug junk food. It’s the same with McDonalds, various beers and credit cards in English football.
Sheamus KO’s Dolph Ziggler (w/Vicki) with the Brogue Kick. Alberto del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez assault Sheamus on the ramp. Rematch from Smackdown, Ziggler selling everything like a boss!
David Otunga and John Laurinaitis are backstage discussing the job evaluations next week which will be given by Mr. Vince McMahon!
Sin Cara defeats Hunico (w/Camacho) after hitting La Mistica. Hmm, not a bad match, this time. I didn’t really get to see what Sin Cara did on Smackdown by the fact that the commercial break ended halfway through the finish.
Ryback destroys two guys half his size combined, again. Pretty much the same 2 vs. 1 match he last did on Smackdown, amusing at the moment, but I’m sure to get bored of it if they don’t start booking him in proper matches sooner rather than later.
Kane pins CM Punk in a non-title match. Daniel Bryan jumped on the announcer’s table to cut a promo before the match and sticks around to watch it. After the match, AJ is targeted by Kane, but she smiles him away. She goes backstage and does a very bad job of acting crazy around Josh Matthews.
Kofi Kingston & R-Truth (w/Little Jimmy) win against Tyler Reks & Curt Hawkins thanks to a Trouble In Paradise. What’s this? The tag TEAM matches (not just solo guys Face A & Face B vs. Heel A & Heel B) have been rather consistent as of late? Maybe someone has actually decided to give the division some real attention within the show.
Cena gets ready for Cole in the ring but Laurinaitis sets a hurdle for Cena first. If he can beat Tensai/Lord Tensai/Giant Bernard/A-Train/Albert/Prince Albert/Whatever-the-feck-he’s-called-this-week, then Cena gets his hands on Cole afterwards, in a No DQ match.
Tensai’s streak is obviously broken at the hands of John Cena (as always) after a AA/FU/Standing fireman’s slam and then Cole is beaten on and finished with the same boring move.
Cena bores me for long enough as it is, I’m not sure which direction they’re heading with the three hour change. I’d like to hope they’re stuffing it with more matches, but my guess is that anyone thinking this way is getting cock-slapped after a few three hour shows and the extra time will be filled with more antics. I got burned this way a while back when Impact went from one to two hours.
This week had far too much Michael Cole for my liking too. I don’t know if my head can take listening to him for an extra hour a week. Look at it this way, I hate the cunt, but even seeing him get his arse kicked was a mental chore for me. Actually, a minute of Ryback knocking him around would have been more entertaining than Cena going through his list of humiliating things to do to non-wrestlers. Don’t get me wrong though, Cole is great to get heat from the crowd, but stick him in the manager category or something and leave him away from the commentator’s table, he doesn’t need to be on air and in my ear all the time.
The Big Show’s push as an evil giant continues in his absence with a couple of video packages shown over the show. I doubt his status will remain after Cena overcomes the odds (as always) at No Way Out and Show’s back to being as beatable as ever by the time Brodus Clay returns for vengeance.
The Kane/Punk/Bryan/AJ angle took few steps forward, building into what should be a good triple threat match. Sheamus vs. Alberto del Rio has potential to be good also, assuming they don’t just have del Rio work the arm solid for fifteen minutes and get hit with the Brogue Kick out of nowhere for the pin.
The No Way Out card currently looks like this:
Steel Cage Match
John Cena vs. The Big Show
WWE Championship Match
CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Kane
World Heavyweight Title Match
Sheamus vs. Alberto del Rio
It’s looking a little skinny at the moment, so I’m expecting a tag title match, possibly Epico and Primo getting their rematch and Beth Phoenix may get a rematch for the Diva’s belt too. I think it’s time they billed Ryback in a match, rather than just squashing two jobbers out of the blue, even if it does end up being a five minute squash match. It’s another match to the card and his matches are good for getting a crowd pumped for a match they might not be that worked up for before hand, *cough* Diva’s *cough*.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot to take the piss about Sin Cara Con Botch returning, get ready Maffew!
Digest and discuss! Thanks for reading, take care and I’ll see you next week.
As we prepare for Hell in a Cell, AJ Lee is replaced by the only thing more annoying than herself, Dragon Fire discover who’ll challenge them for their tag-titles and it’s Champion vs. Champion in Raw’s largest Lumberjack Match ever!