And your host for this event, hailing from a dark corner in the North East of England, someone more blunt than a sledgehammer to the bollocks, a guy with the grumpiness of a man three times his age and the only person able to get more hot and bothered than the bastard child of Ric Flair and James E. Cornette, Danny Damage.

The Raw Rant, July 9th 2012

We open shop this week with a recap of the love triangle revolving around the WWE title, AJ pushing both of them through a table last week on Raw and CM Punk getting sloppy seconds on Smackdown.

AJ comes out to the ring……………..and talks like this…………….because she’s not sure……..how much of a pause to………..put between each sentence………or that she’s having………..trouble remembering her lines. Either way, it’s a subliminal cry for help to get her off the stick and back into a wrestle or shut up routine. CM Punk joins her to demonstrate how a normal person speaks. She pops his head by popping the question but Daniel Bryan runs out to break the whole thing up and to ask AJ to marry him instead. At this moment, the lights flicker and that god-awful message alert sounds. The anonymous GM is in charge for the night which makes way for the Jowl-flapping Voice of the WWE, Michael Cole to pretend he’s reading a laptop screen by looking at the keyboard, good work. CM Punk & AJ vs. Daniel Bryan & Eve will be the main event for the evening.

Sheamus squashes Jack Swagger with White Noise and the Brogue Kick. Alberto del Rio gloats on the Titantron so Sheamus takes his anger out on Swagger with another Brogue Kick.

Santino Marella is backstage with Zack Ryder, discussing Ryder being the GM for Smackdown this week. Santino takes it upon himself to begin an investigation into the identity of the anonymous GM.

Just announced, The Rock will be at #Raw1000 to discuss his goal of another WWE Title run.

Dolph Ziggler & Tensai defeat Christian and Tyson Kidd. Tensai’s trying to get a bit of credibility back by pinning the IC Champion after a back splash off the ropes. Kidd gets tossed outside and gets a power bomb onto the ring apron.

While bickering about something at the table, Cole spills a drink on Jerry Lawler, this causes Jerry to square up to him but they’re interrupted by the GM. A match may be made later between Lawler and Cole, but we have to vote on WWE.com “Yes” or “No” if we want it. Oh shit.

Brodus Clay flattens Drew McIntyre with the Big Splash. As per usual, it took Clay twice the time to get to ring than it did to beat his opponent, what a fucking time waste. McIntyre was caught saying something like “it’s just the same song and dance each week”, and you’re right mate, it is. Christ on a stick, considering Brodus is supposed to be a wrestler that also dances, you think he’d know a thing or two about timing, take note that he STILL can’t get the timing right for his trouser rip, foot stomp, firework bit he does before a match, STILL!

Santino interrogates Chris Jericho about the identity of the GM, Y2J assures him that he’s not the guy and sends him on his way. The Big Show appears and tells Jericho that they’re not on the same page like they used to be, so be warned.

John Cena comes out before his match to plug MITB and to say he’s going to win it, yadder, yadder, yadder, buy my T-Shirt.

Kane & John Cena vs. Big Show & Chris Jericho is thrown out (for some reason) when Big Show interrupts a Cena pin attempt by dragging him off Y2J and to the outside. Big Show starts laying waste to everyone with a ladder he found until Super Cena saves the day with a ladder of his own. A stupid reason to ring the bell, but I guess it doesn’t matter as long as they have all the ladder spots on film to make a good promo with.

Backstage, CM Punk and Eve discuss AJ’s mental state while Santino crosses Khali off his list of potential suspects.

–World Title MITB Qualifier
Sin Cara Con Botch pins Heath Slater after hitting La Mistica. After the match, Slater calls out any former champion so he can beat them instead, Bob Backlund (eventually) gets into the ring and locks Slater in the Cross-face Chicken-wing.

The WWE Universe voted 75% for “Yes” to a match between Cole and Lawler and it’s next, double shit.

Michael Cole scores a DQ victory over Jerry Lawler. During Cole’s escape attempt, Booker T chucks him back in the ring, causing the GM to get involved and reverse the original decision of Lawler winning with the Air-plane Spin.

Santino Marella speeds to the ring with the discovery of the location of the GM, under the ring. Before he has a chance to take a closer look, he’s pulled underneath, Lawler is nearby to pull him back out and when he does, Hornswoggle is attached to his leg. This wasn’t the same train of thought that I was on, sadly. I was expecting a 1,000lb Jonathan Coachman palming the keyboard of a laptop that’s been lodged between two rolls of fat for years, but don’t worry, the mystery’s over, it was Hornswoggle the human anti-climax, again.

CM Punk & AJ are victorious vs. Daniel Bryan & Eve Torres. Eve was looking to tag out, but Bryan dropped down onto the floor and left her open for AJ to get a roll up. Post-match, the guys argue over who’s really looking out for AJ and who’s looking out for themselves so she slaps them both and skips away.

Afterthoughts.

AJ is still a terrible, terrible actress. If they’d send her away somewhere to get better it’d be one thing, but she’s still getting more and more time each week, not wrestling. I’m sure someone’s thinking that she’ll just eventually, magically “get it” one day, but I’m not convinced. She’s great in the ring and she has potential to be even better, that is obviously, if she gets chance to get better in that field, instead of finding it hard to talk and struggling to show more than three emotions. Additionally, her entrance music doesn’t really sell “nut-job” to me I’m afraid, she’d be much better off with a bit of Aphex Twin. Hopefully, the pay off for this whole thing is hitting us this Sunday, so she might dilute it down/improve it/forget it ever happened after that.

Seeing as there are only four matches set for MITB, a good job has been done giving each match adequate building. MITB matches are always fun and a lot of folk spend a lot of time on the edge of their seat while watching them. Both title matches have a lot going for them also, AJ being the wild card in one and destiny calling Alberto del Rio in the other.

Money In The Bank Card:

–WWE Title
CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan
(AJ as special ref.)

–World Title
Sheamus vs. Alberto del Rio

–WWE Title MITB
Chris Jericho vs. Kane vs. The Big Show vs. John Cena

–World Title MITB
Dolph Ziggler vs. Tensai vs. Tyson Kidd vs. Santino Marella vs. Christian vs. Damien Sandow vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Sin Cara

–Tag Titles
R-Truth & Kofi Kingston vs. Hunico & Camacho
(pre-show)

I reckon they’ll toss a Ryberg squash match in there somewhere, shame the tag match isn’t on the PPV too though.

As we get closer to #Raw1000, I’ve noticed that mostly everything that’s been booked for it so far are announcements, mostly. This hopefully isn’t a sign of things to come (2.5 hours of Raw each week filmed solely to make PPV promos) and that they’ll offer us well balanced portions of recaps/talking AND wrestling. One can dare to be optimistic, every now and then.

Digest and discuss! Thanks for reading, take care and I’ll see you next week.

Danny Damage
@BluntDamage (twitter)

BONUS! (That’s every week and no longer bonus but whatever)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKGA_DXb-wU&feature=g-u-u