Hello and thanks for showing up to reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.

And your host for this event, hailing from a dark corner in the North East of England, currently training for the next series of The Crystal Maze, a man more blunt than a sledgehammer to the bollocks, it’s Danny Damage.

The Raw Rant, August 27th 2012

Raw opens up with a recap from the CM Punk, John Cena and Jerry Lawler scenario from last week, concluding with Jerry Lawler getting a roundhouse kick to the head from CM Punk because he wouldn’t say that CM Punk is the best in the world.

Jerry Lawler gets into the ring, he says he’s not happy about being kicked from behind and asks for an apology from CM Punk. Punk joins him in the ring and denies an attack from behind, he says sorry for everything but the kick and that Jerry shoulder bumped him on his way out and got what he deserved. Punk notices that Jerry has an aggressive look in his eye and offers him to a match later on, Jerry says he’ll think about it.

Ryback wrecks Jack Swagger with the Shell Shocked. Swags got a little offence in, but his losing streak is still ongoing. It was a bit of a sloppy match actually, usually the quality from these guys is a little better than this. Ryback had a better match with Jinder Mahal on Smackdown, I think I might have enjoyed that a little. Shame on me.

Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler speculate the response from Triple H.

A match for later; John Cena vs. The Miz. There’s my piss break decided.

Oh wait, maybe it’s time for urination now!

Layla head kicks Natalya for the win. The usual calibre of Diva faeces here. Granted, they pulled off a couple of nice moves and holds, but the majority of the transitions between them were crap.

Vicki Guerrero has been stood ringside throughout the last match, waiting for them to finish so she can make some big announcement. She gets in the ring and barks on that she should be the GM of Raw, not some mentally unstable child. AJ Lee skips out to the ring. Thankfully, she says fuck all and slaps, mounts and windmills Vicki before it runs away back to it’s cave.

Triple H career highlight package.

Daniel Bryan’s anger management therapy, part one. The “doctor” starts off with the basics of controlling anger while Daniel Bryan claims he’s perfectly calm and has no need to be present. At this time, a child enters wearing a goat mask. This enrages Bryan and he insults the kid into removing the mask, the doctor steps forward and claims the boy is his and that he’s playing the goat in Noah’s Ark at school. Bryan doing a great job of playing the paranoid conspiracy theorist once again.

CM Punk offers (tweets) Jerry Lawler the first punch, should he accept his main event challenge. Lawler gets on the table and says that he’s not the best in the world, but neither is CM Punk. He agrees to the match and goes to get changed and warmed up.

John Cena is victorious against The Miz for a non-title win. Bell, yawn, FU, bell. Highlight of the match was when Josh Matthews joined Cole at the table.

Raw Active voting time. Pick the match type for the CM Punk vs. Jerry Lawler encounter; table match, cage match, no DQ.

Another Triple H package.

Daniel Bryan back at anger management. One of the other attendees tells the group how bad it is to work for his boss. Daniel Bryan tops his story and recites his and AJ’s recent escapades. The doctor announces that the final member of the group has at last arrived. They turn to see Kane, big mask on top of wrestling mask. He sits next to Daniel Bryan who is shaking his head in disbelief.

Santino picks up a win against Heath Slater after hitting the Cobra. Aksana almost cost Santino the match by distracting the Cobra mid-strike. I can only imagine what’d happen to him if he saw photos of her with blonde hair and not dressed up to look like a Bond villain.

Time to plug the WWE’s android/mac app. Not that it needs it, over a million downloads in ten days says it all really. Good effort.

Brodus Clay & Sin Cara silence Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow. Clay counters the Disaster Kick with his head butt and finishes Cody with the big splash. Quite a nice setup for this match, Sandow saying he’s found someone he can have a decent conversation with in Cody, but then losing.

Kane tells the therapy group his life story, starting at childhood, in a rather amusing manner. Disturbed (at the mention of Katie Vick), the doctor ends the session for the day. Daniel Bryan gives the doctor some grief on the way out while Kane decides not to hurt one of the other members that asked him for a hug.

Yet another Triple H video package.

R-Truth gets a count out win against Daniel Bryan. Bryan appeared to be in control of his anger, calming himself on the way down the ramp, ignoring the fans, fist-bumping R-Truth and then Little Jimmy. The problem arose when R-Truth started the crowd off with a “YES!” chant. Bryan went nuts and did his ‘scream “NO!” in the face of a front-row fan for a solid minute’ bit, obviously getting him counted out.

Triple H comes out to say his bit and asks himself if he’s done. He goes back and forth with the decision and finally says goodbye. Sorry, this segment didn’t really do much for me, Triple H worked the crowd and got them to cheer for and shout nice things about him.

Chris Jericho’s music hits! When the lights come up, Dolph Ziggler is stood there in his place. He reminds us all of how awesome he is and that we’ll never, ever, see Chris Jericho again.

Sheamus & Randy Orton defeat Dolph Ziggler & Alberto del Rio. Alberto distracts the referee, Ricardo slides Ziggler the MITB briefcase, but he’s caught by Orton’s modified back breaker and then a Brogue Kick from Sheamus.

Be A Star video.

Kane heads to the ring and scares away Josh Matthews. Kane sits down with Cole and remains silent for the moment. Nice touch from Cole I’ll add, stood as far away from Kane as his headset cable will allow him throughout the match.

Zack Ryder beats David Otunga with the Rough Ryder. Kane runs in and grabs Ryder by the throat and hesitates, he changes his mind and hits Otunga with the Chokeslam instead.

Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler on Smackdown this Friday.

Raw active results: Steel Cage 48%, No DQ 32%, Tables 20%. Really? For fuck sake, I wanted to see Lawler go through a table, god damn!

AJ Lee pops her head out of the curtain to say that CM Punk will defend his title at Night of Champions against someone of her choosing, John Cena.

–Steel Cage Match
CM Punk forces Jerry “The King” Lawler to tap out with the Anaconda Vice. After the match, CM Punk chains the cage door shut and tells Jerry to say that he’s the best in the world. Lawler says “hell no” and gets a series of elbows to the head and face. John Cena runs down to the ring and start shouting to get the cage up. Punk then forearm strikes Lawler into a fine paste and drops the knee a bit for overkill. As soon as the cage is lifted, Punk escapes and leaves Cena to tend to Lawler. Raw goes off the air with the champion walking off into the back, job done.

Afterthoughts.

Work on Night of Champions has begun. Only two matches so far, but it’s a start. I know they’re nothing new, but hopefully we’ll get closure on both angles and we’ll get some better matches added in the next couple of weeks.

–WWE Title
CM Punk vs. John Cena (again)

–World Title
Sheamus vs. Alberto del Rio (again, again)

CM Punk’s heading further and further into Heelsville each week. Cena obviously has to be the baby face that stops the evil champion with the smug grin and beard and all. Hopefully, the evil genius will overcome the children’s champion with some head-fuckery and Cena can go and win the US title again or something, seeing as they seem adamant on needing a strap on him AND having the majority of the crowd cheering for him, just because. This way, we can kill two plague ridden birds of wrestling with one stone of a time slot, John Cena and the USA chant. I know you’re proud of where you’re from and that’s fine, but I think we’re a little beyond cheering and booing folk depending on their nationality, aren’t we supposed to be promoting anti-bullying or some shit?

The Daniel Bryan & Kane sketches seemed a little out of place, but Kane’s oblivion to his mighty presence in front of normal people and Bryan’s constant questioning and suspicion made it highly entertaining to watch.

Sadly, AJ Lee still has quite a large speaking role, with the development of her going madder and doing whatever the fuck she wants with her power, I’m hoping she’s only a placeholder GM and we’re getting someone much better suited for the role. *Cough* Lord Regal *Cough*. I’m pretty sure anyone will do though.

Lastly, I’m a bit gutted at the lack of folk voting to see the amusement of Jerry Lawler getting wood. When Punk was barraging Lawler with abuse at the start of the show, you could see there was an underage rape joke on the tip of his tongue. Punk did a great job of biting it quiet, the least Lawler could have done as thanks for not reminding us why he should always be the heel commentator, was to take a fall through a table, preferably the announcer’s table, from the top of a ladder, from inside the ring.

Digest and discuss! You can follow me on Twitter for additional nuggets of wisdom. Thanks for reading, take care and I’ll see you next week.

Danny Damage
@BluntDamage (twitter)