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Hello and thanks for showing up to reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.

And your host for this event, hailing from a dark corner in the North East of England, currently training for the next series of The Crystal Maze, a man more blunt than a sledgehammer to the bollocks, it’s Danny Damage.

The Raw Rant, September 3rd 2012

(The new WWE FOREVER intro sucks because Otunga is in it.)

After we get a video reminder of what’s being going on in the world of CM Punk, John Cena and Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole lets us know that a fight broke out in the back between Punk and Lawler. We’re shown video of Jerry Lawler’s gut escaping from his shirt, err, I mean of the fight that CM Punk apparently started, from behind. Cole informs us that we won’t have Lawler’s commentating skills tonight, which makes my arse cheeks clench at the thought of three hours of this obnoxious bell-end talking to himself. (Michael Cole commentating by himself for potentially three hours? Excuse me if I shit myself from excitement.)

Sheamus steps in the ring, plays the crowd for a cheap pop and starts talking about Alberto del Rio. Before he has a chance to cut that same promo for his feud between him and “Berty”, CM Punk arrives and points out they’re in his hometown and he’ll be playing to the crowd, if anyone is tonight. Punk goes on to say the crowd here respects him and he respects them in turn. Sheamus gets boo’d heavily when coming back to anything Punk says. Mini GM AJ Lee pops out of the curtain to makes two matches for later on, Cena vs. ADR and Punk vs. Sheamus. She then skips down the ramp, around the ring, back up the ramp and finally backstage. I was hoping she’d trip on something, anything on the way back, even CM Punk’s outstretched foot. (Spoiler for next week: CM Punk gives Sheamus a Pepsi bath via hose and truck. Sheamus remains white.)

Vickie Guerrero appears, puts Rhino’s thighs to shame and then introduces her client, Dolph Ziggler.

Dolph Ziggler wins his rematch against Randy Orton with a roll up and a handful of trunks. Looking at the RKO that he took on Smackdown last week, added to the less than average match on Raw, I’d say Ziggler is getting a bit bored of overselling anything and everything for anyone, even those that depend on it as their only way of getting over as being tough. Orton has a point in that his character is much better as a heel, but bringing back the punt kick and that stupid crazy eyes face won’t move the tectonic plates anytime soon. In the ring, he’s the same as when he killed his first legend and it seems that he’s unwilling and/or incapable of learning anything new, this doesn’t make me want to watch him. (Dolph Ziggler vs. Randy Orton on Raw a.k.a. the ”LOL WE DON’T HAVE A MID-CARD” match)

Before Vickie and Ziggler can get to the back, The Miz comes out and joins Michael Cole…..oh fuck off! Really? I think the latest Daniel Bryan T-shirt is needed for this.

(WWE: ”Did you know we offer all U.S. Military free tickets to our live events?” TNA: ”Ha, we give free tickets to EVERYBODY in Orlando!”)

We see Daniel Bryan & Kane’s session at group therapy earlier in the week. Everyone was asked to make an anger collage to present to the group. Bryan is asked to show his first. He shows a page of “YES!” and “NO!” scribbled all over it and explains his anger towards the fans was his motivation for it. (Daniel Bryan: ”I say yes, people say no!” Good thing A.W. isn’t here to turn that into something negative.) Kane’s next and he shows off a blank piece of paper. When asked to elaborate and explain if that’s how he feels inside, he throws the paper in the bin and sets it on fire, raised hands pyro. trigger style. Bryan dubs Kane a teacher’s pet and shakes his head again.

Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara defeat Cody Rhodes & Tensai. Sin Cara finishes Cody with a Senton Splash from the top. (Michael Cole: ”Sin Cara gave Cody Rhodes the Ultimate Insult by putting Cara’s mask on him.” Actual quote.) Sakamoto managed to go the night unscathed even while some fans are still all over Tensai with the “Albert” chant. Rey and Sin Cara are still working well as a tag team and I actually hope they keep them together. (I hope they team up Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio Jr. some more. Their theme song could be ”SIN-REEEEEY, SIN-REY!”) Certain folk have held off on the botching (I’m just guessing but I think he means Sin Cara) and they’ve been rather fun to watch as a team, contrary to what I was expecting when he returned.

The therapy group are just finishing something where everyone but Daniel Bryan and Kane are holding hands in a circle, they sit at the side, sulking. The group move on and Bryan and Kane are asked to perform a trust exercise. Bryan has to turn away and fall back towards Kane, trusting that he’ll catch him. Reluctantly, Bryan falls back and is caught by Kane. The doctor asks them to work as a team and to both catch one of the other members. They both move their hands at the last moment and they discover neither of them had any intention on catching him and they share a moment, awww.

CM Punk vs. Sheamus doesn’t even start. (It was Sheamus’ best match in months) Punk comes out and tells Sheamus that seeing as he respects the crowd and they respect him, being labour day, he’s going to take the day off and proceeds to leave.(Punk is looking more and more like the guy who comes into CEX to see what he’ll get for his scratched PS2 games.)

AJ fails to stop CM Punk from leaving the arena, Punk tells her he’s taking a personal day. AJ tells Matt Striker to tell Sheamus that she’ll find him an opponent. (They had Michael Cole commentating by himself whilst Matt Striker was backstage, just hanging out. KNOW YOUR ROLE STRIKER, which in his case means staying at home taking photos of his penis and posting them online)

Sheamus makes Jack Swagger tap out with, a Texas (IRISH) Cloverleaf? Fook me, he’s added another move, I like it! (Del Rio’s acting shocked and disgusted that Sheamus somehow AGAINST ALL ODDS pinned Swagger = Highlight of Raw.) Alberto del Rio joined Mike & Mike at the table, but says nothing. I wish his actions would influence his company. After the match, ADR tries to sneak attack Sheamus. Sheamus gets the better of him and sets up the Brogue Kick, Ricardo Rodriguez takes a bullet for Alberto, shoving him out of the way and getting the boot to the face himself.

Eve beats Kaitlyn in the best Diva’s match in about a month. Don’t get me wrong, this is like saying that the case of bloody diarrhoea I had this morning was the best I’ve had in ages. But credit where credit is due I guess, both girls can take bumps, can pull of some nice moves and have plenty of potential to get even better. I know Eve’s not the rookie here, but she could be a lot better than what she is at the moment. I want her tearing people’s fucking limbs off! (Layla commentated during the match. Her outfit has LOL on it, which summed up my feelings regarding this mess.)

Jack Swagger is backstage and he’s heading home, for a while. AJ tries to stop him, but fails. She grumbles that everyone’s leaving. (Swagger looked upset and claimed he was ”better than this.” Joey Abs was ”better than this”.)

Daniel Bryan and Kane finally come to the end of their group therapy session. The doctor thanks everyone and congratulates them on their progress. Kane and Bryan get into a back and forth about how far they’ve come which ends with bickering and threats, until the doctor goes nuts and screams at them both before leaving.

Time to vote! How do we want Daniel Bryan and Kane to follow on from their therapy? A match against each other? Make them team up in a tag match? Or do we think they should just hug it out?

Matt Striker tries to get a comment from ADR backstage. (”Del Rio, look at these photos I just took!”) However, David Otunga steps forward and tells Striker that his client has nothing to say at this time.

#BootsToBurglars. Amusing news story that the Mrs. read to me the other night. The Rock managed to stop some youths trying to steal some shit from a film set/truck by running over and waving the fake badge he was using as a prop. Badge or no badge, he is a big dude, I don’t think many would stand their ground with a meathead like that charging at you while you were robbing stuff. (UNLIKELY WRESTLING NEWS STORY REPORTED BY THE SUN. They never let the truth get in the way of a dumb story.)

Ryback squashes Jinder Mahal, ending with Shellshocked. Some of the fans are getting into the “feed me more” chant, but there are few rebels left yet that continue to heckle him with “Goldberg” chants. Feed him Goldberg? I don’t think that’d go down too well. (So the crowd chant ”GOLDBERG” to mock Ryback but also chant along with ”FEED ME MORE”. DO YOU LIKE HIM OR NOT, MOTHERFUCKERS?)

Matt Striker (AGAIN?!? I think he paid Kane to take out Matthews) is with AJ, she says that the Cena vs. ADR match is now Falls Count Anywhere. (Matt Striker wonders if he can Tout his penis in time for the next Raw.)

Daniel Bryan and Kane get in the ring to find out what the vote was. Hahahaha! 55% says it’s time to hug it out! The tag match got 27% and a one on one match got 18%. The crowd make more noise than I’ve heard in a while and Bryan and Kane just look at each other for a bit. After a few near misses, chest bumps, awkward hugs and Bryan going ape shit at the crowd, they eventually hug and embrace each other. They appear to like it, until pats on the back get a little out of hand and they end up pushing each other and inevitably, they begin fighting. Kane gets the better of the exchange but Daniel Bryan takes the referees attempt at stopping Kane as a chance to swing a chair at him and run. More to come on this in the near future methinks. (If you’re reading this in the future, don’t worry this really was a fun segment).

–US Title Match
Antonio Cesaro defends against Santino Marella. Santino had more cobra issues which allowed Antonio to hit the Neutraliser.

Zack Ryder pins Heath Slater after landing the Rough Ryder. The Miz is more shocked than anyone that Ryder got a win on Raw and the match was quite good too, nothing flash, but continuous solid work from both guys.

Vickie Guerrero holds a sit down protest. She demands a chair, which is brought to her and she considers a second for the rest of her arse but fails to follow this thought up. Instead, she sits on the chair, (thankfully) cross legged, yet still pointing her granny fanny at the camera. (IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT WAS A REFERENCE TO SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED RECENTLY.) Eventually, AJ joins her and tells us of her discussion with the board of directors. She must restrain from putting her hands on people, calm down and apologise for her actions. She says sorry to the WWE Universe but Vickie decides that’s not enough and asks for an apology for her assault last week. Knowing she can’t retaliate, AJ plays ball and gets smacked around a little until she apologises enough to send Vickie laughing and skipping away. What the fuck those heels were made of to support that monstrosity jumping on them, I’ll never know, but once it’s gone, AJ has a temper tantrum in the ring as she’s obviously losing control.

Alberto del Rio is victorious against John Cena with an assist from CM Punk. (They brawled near a ringside fan dressed as Macho Man Randy Savage during this match. When he appeared on camera he got the 2nd biggest reaction of the night.) While the fight spilled into the backstage area, CM Punk head kicked Cena and dragged the recently FU’d Alberto on top for the pin. After the match, Punk beats down Cena and drops him (GTS style) onto a car bonnet. As the car slowly rolls away, a face is seen peering out the window, it’s Paul E. fucking Heyman! Oooooh, once a Heyman guy, always a Heyman guy, I guess. (Heyman’s face was the expression of a man caught dogging).

Afterthoughts.

Well, that was a nice little bit at the end there. Paul E. stepping back on the scene and working with CM Punk will entertain for sure, I’m looking forward to what has to be said next week.

Hopefully, it appears that AJ’s position as GM is slipping out of her fingers. Didn’t I say this last week? Well, she annoys and bores me and I would like the suffering to end as soon as possible, please. That is all.

Night of Champions is at the same place it was last week. WWE, World and Diva’s title matches still set, the rest to follow. An NXT title match would be nice!

Daniel Bryan and Kane were the highlight of the night, again. They’re one of those “chalk and cheese” duos that shouldn’t work, but do. Hopefully, they’re teaming them up soon as they might even get a push as a team also. Laughing a lot at their chemistry and antics, hopefully WWE don’t ruin it by doing too much, too soon and don’t prematurely exhaust the angle.

Michael Cole and The Miz teaming up at the table is an obvious target for abuse. By the time this makes it online I’m sure half the world and their dog have gone about the worst audio venture since Kanye West forgot to stick Auto-Tune on one of his tracks, but I’ll have a go anyway. Now, my thoughts on Cole are well documented on this site, his overall annoyance factor does dip up and down on the scale from time to time. He impressed me by calling a SideWALK Slam correctly on Smackdown this week, for the first time in nearly ten years, but then pisses me off by (amongst other things) not finding a side of the fence to stay on when given the chance to work with someone new. To be honest, neither of them did. I find the most entertaining two man set ups are either both of them being impartial, but having a couple of favourites, or one being a full bore baby face and the other being the cuntiest heel in the world. Cole and Miz were all over the place throughout Raw and inconsistency reigned supreme. Also documented is the fact that I like only a few of The Miz’s traits. He can take a bump, I thought that’s what it was building up to. But sadly, he spent all night demonstrating one of his traits that displeases me the most, his voice. (Miz isn’t great compared to other wrestlers but is currently doing really well in terms of Miz)

Digest and discuss! You can follow me on Twitter for additional nuggets of wisdom. Thanks for reading, take care and I’ll see you next week.

Danny Damage
@BluntDamage (twitter)