Raw Rant 14/05/12

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Added by May 16, 2012

Hello and thanks for showing up to reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.

And your host for this event, hailing from a dark corner in the North East of England, someone more blunt than a sledgehammer to the bollocks, a guy with the grumpiness of a man three times his age and the only person able to get more hot and bothered than the bastard child of Ric Flair and James E. Cornette, Danny Damage.

The Raw Rant, 14th May 2012

Hello everyone and welcome to the last Monday Night Raw before Over the Limit this Sunday. Your Raw and Smackdown General Manager, Mr. John Laurinaitis bumps into Triple H backstage who says he has something to say in the ring.

Triple H enters the ring and talks shit about Brock Lesnar for a while, Paul E. Heyman joins him and serves him a lawsuit from Brock. HHH grabs hold of Heyman and leaves after calming himself down, but Paul E. takes great pride in informing HHH that he’ll be adding an additional charge of assault and battery against him now. Some solid microphone work from Heyman as always and HHH still has the bad-ass death-glare down to a fine art, even with the suit and Stone Cold style brace, but for his arm.

CM Punk & Santino Marella defeat Cody Rhodes & Daniel Bryan. Punk hits Cody with the Go to Sleep after Bryan calls it a day and leaves the ring, staring down Punk after the bell. REALLY looking forward to this one at Over the Limit. I’ve got my fingers crossed for a MOTY contender and hoping I won’t be robbed like at Wrestlemania. Okay, I wasn’t expecting anything mind-boggling between Bryan and Sheamus, just not what we got.

Beth Phoenix defeats Alicia Fox. Beth hits the Glam Slam after a short time, Layla looks on and makes the save from the post-match beat down, yawn. No real build for this match so it still seems a little chucked together at the last minute.

Video package of Cena’s Make a Wish work after asking us to Like him on Facebook. Anyone else feel their heart strings a-tugging?

Raw fact #9999: Monday Night Raw got better ratings last week than NBA, MBL and NHL TV shows. It’s nice to see one promotion shout about their Neilsen Ratings when another (*cough* TNA Impact *cough*) just completely ignore/do their best to hide theirs.

Kane defeats The Big Show with a VERY sloppy chokeslam, not the worst ever (that’d be Undertaker vs. Hogan), but still, a pretty shitty effort. Laurinaitis makes Big Show get on his knees and beg for his job, Show complies and gets fired anyway. Bow down to the evil GM! Mwuahahahahahaaaa!

Jerry Lawler puts his serious face and voice on to say how The Big Show didn’t deserve that, Michael Cole simply stares down silently as if he’s not sure what he’s meant to say. I have an idea Cole. You’re the heel, right? You need to go along with the things the “bad people” do and say. How about “Well, that’s what happens when you cross the boss”? I’m pretty sure you can manage that. I’m positive that I’ve heard you say something to that effect in the last few weeks. You can’t pick and choose when to be the heel, no matter how big of a prick your boss is being. Pick a side and stick to it, stop fucking jumping back and forth every time you think your character “isn’t that much of a heel” or when you need a quick morality pick-me-up because you’ve developed another layer of jowl that we can all hear EVERY time you say dub-b-b-b-ble-yoo-dub-b-b-b-ble-yoo-eee!

Funkasaurus, Kofi Kingston & R-Truth defeat Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger & The Miz. Brodus hits The Splash on The Miz after Kofi sets him up with the Trouble in Paradise. For anyone interested, Vickie Guerrero was dressed as the red Hungry-Hungry Hippo this week.

AJ is backstage wishing CM Punk luck in his match on Sunday, possibly leading to something, or not. Actually, unless she wipes the 24/7 mopey look from her face, I’d prefer if Daniel Bryan kept running solo. I don’t really feel there’s any need to get her involved and the “pretty face at ringside” doesn’t really work when she looks like she’s constantly giving someone the sad eyes.

Chris Jericho defeats Randy Orton by DQ. Y2J pisses off Sheamus the guest commentator, who drags Jericho out of the ring, causing the referee to call for the bell. Most of the focus of the Smackdown main event for Over the Limit seems to be on Sheamus and Orton clashing, I’d personally like Jericho to sneak in and steal the belt, but I’m not holding my breath.

Mr. Laurinaitis comes out to reveal his ground-breaking announcement before John Cena interrupts him and calls him a loser for 10 minutes. Things backfire for Laurinaitis in the end as the board of directors send him a message (by Hoeski-mail) and they have decided against all suggested stipulations that Johnny made regarding his match at Over the Limit. It’ll now be a straight 1-on-1 match, anyone interfering will be fired and if Laurinaitis loses, he’ll be getting fired also. Johnny = gutted.

Afterthoughts

A valiant effort from Raw this week. A much more colourful and animated John Cena compared to last week. However, the Ace Ventura impression did start to grate on me after the 23rd or 24th time.

The Big Show’s sacking went on for a bit too long I think. I know they’re still pushing Laurinaitis as ‘Cock-head of the decade’, but a heavily padded out segment of a 7-foot man on his knees, crying, got old pretty quick.

The matches on the Over the Limit card have been worked on quite well, except the Divas. The tag title match feels a bit last minute too, but knowing that all the guys involved have great chemistry together anyway, means I’m expecting something fun from them at least. The fatal four way should be entertaining too and I might just break out the popcorn for the Punk/Dragon main event. Here’s the card for this Sunday.

WWE Championship
CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan

World Heavyweight Championship
Sheamus vs. Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton vs. Alberto del Rio

John Cena vs. John Laurinaitis

World Tag Team Championship
Kofi Kingston & R-Truth vs. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

WWE Divas Championship
Layla vs. Beth Phoenix

Zack Ryder vs. Kane
(WWE.com/Facebook/Youtube Pre-show)

Digest and discuss! Thanks for reading, take care and I’ll see you next week.

Danny Damage
@BluntDamage

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  • r wood.

    Is the ppv only 2 hours?

    • Darwin

      They can’t waste all their time on wrestling. They need it to do all the shitty backstage skits/segments instead.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dario-Zorander/100003280593668 Dario Zorander

    I’m gonna call it on who wins:

    Zack Ryder vs. Kane
    Winner Kane!

    World Tag Team Championship

    Kofi Kingston & R-Truth vs. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

    Winner Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger!

    World Heavyweight Championship

    Sheamus vs. Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton vs. Alberto del Rio

    Winner Sheamus!

    WWE Championship

    CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan
    Winner CM Punk!

    WWE Divas Championship

    Layla vs. Beth Phoenix
    Winner Beth Phoenix!

    John Cena vs. John Laurinaitis
    Winner John Laurinaitis!

    Unfortunately, the WWE is too predictable now. Here is to hoping that I’m wrong about the match outcomes.

    • Ian Kiley

      Predictability in and of itself isn’t bad – being monotonous and trite, on the other hand, is.  As things are, the show isn’t awful, but there are things WWE could do to improve the product and eliminate stale elements of the show.  John Laurinaitis is probably the worst thing about the program right now.  He takes up way too much screen time for someone as dull and awkward as he is.  Not to mention the whole power-abusing heel authority figure has already been done to death and needs to stop yesterday.  I would be far more interested in seeing the time devoted to Cena/Laurinaits going towards the Punk/Bryan feud.  As it stands, the match is already playing second fiddle (promo-wise) to HHH/Lesnar, which isn’t so bad, but throwing a really poorly done revisit of Austin/McMahon on top of that is just a waste.  To his credit, at least Cena is trying to make the whole thing entertaining (even if it’s a little too hard at times), but it would be much better if he just took some time off and let the show go on without him for awhile.  The WHC match could be much, much better, too.  Someone is trying really hard to get ADR over and it isn’t working at all, so now the match at Over the Limit is a Fatal 4-Way… great.  It would’ve made more sense and been more interesting if they had Sheamus/Jericho in a one-on-one match for the title and let Orton and ADR see who could deliver the most boring promo in their own program.  The groundwork for that feud was already laid at RR when Sheamus eliminated Jericho, so they could have easily thrown that together in time for Over the Limit, but instead we’re “treated” to another poorly done Del Rio push.  All that being said, those are really the worst parts of the show right now (not including the Divas or Tag Teams), and there’s still enough good to make the show worth watching.  I’m really hoping the summer shake-up this year will do away with more of the negatives WWE has going on right now and make for a show that will deliver more consistent quality.

    • Ian Kiley

      Predictability in and of itself isn’t bad – being monotonous and trite, on the other hand, is.  As things are, the show isn’t awful, but there are things WWE could do to improve the product and eliminate stale elements of the show.  John Laurinaitis is probably the worst thing about the program right now.  He takes up way too much screen time for someone as dull and awkward as he is.  Not to mention the whole power-abusing heel authority figure has already been done to death and needs to stop yesterday.  I would be far more interested in seeing the time devoted to Cena/Laurinaits going towards the Punk/Bryan feud.  As it stands, the match is already playing second fiddle (promo-wise) to HHH/Lesnar, which isn’t so bad, but throwing a really poorly done revisit of Austin/McMahon on top of that is just a waste.  To his credit, at least Cena is trying to make the whole thing entertaining (even if it’s a little too hard at times), but it would be much better if he just took some time off and let the show go on without him for awhile.  The WHC match could be much, much better, too.  Someone is trying really hard to get ADR over and it isn’t working at all, so now the match at Over the Limit is a Fatal 4-Way… great.  It would’ve made more sense and been more interesting if they had Sheamus/Jericho in a one-on-one match for the title and let Orton and ADR see who could deliver the most boring promo in their own program.  The groundwork for that feud was already laid at RR when Sheamus eliminated Jericho, so they could have easily thrown that together in time for Over the Limit, but instead we’re “treated” to another poorly done Del Rio push.  All that being said, those are really the worst parts of the show right now (not including the Divas or Tag Teams), and there’s still enough good to make the show worth watching.  I’m really hoping the summer shake-up this year will do away with more of the negatives WWE has going on right now and make for a show that will deliver more consistent quality.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dario-Zorander/100003280593668 Dario Zorander

        Well back then predictability wasn’t bad at all but these days the crowds are lackluster. Unless they go to Miami, Chicao, or the UK the crowd these days makes even the best technical match seem boring. It seems a surprise is the only thing to shake them up and give life to these crowds.

      • Darwin

        I think a big problem is the commentary, at least from a Tv sense. Most of the time the commentators are punching what’s “trending” at the moment or arguing over some nonsense, or doing ANYTHING except actually calling the match and giving some life to it. And most of the time they even sound bored while they’re sitting there. And if they’re bored, then so are most of the viewers (except the few smart enough to turn the volume down).

        • Kingchuffalo

          Unfortunately, the announcers talk about what they are told to talk about. Vince made the decision a few years back that pushing storylines and being “entertaining” was to replace calling the action in the ring as the top priorities for the announce team.

      • http://twitter.com/Kanta_Mizuno Ryan Alarie

        Most action movies are predictable (I’m sure no one went in to the Avengers assuming they would lose and the Earth would be destroyed). So, most stories will likely have expected plot points, which for wrestling, would equate to certain outcomes for matches. Considering that for the past 4 years, Taker’s streak matches have all been lauded as MOTN and/or MOTYC, even being awarded Slammy’s as MOTY, predictable outcome doesn’t equate to boring or bad.

        Considering that swerves for the sake of unpredictability lead to stuff like Katie Vick or David Arquette as World Champ (I doubt ANYONE could have ever predicted those ahead of time).

  • http://www.facebook.com/alessandro.leonardovaldeiglesias Alessandro Leonardo Valdeigles

    Fortunately for WWE, the Punk vs Bryan match sells by itself, because I think the fatal 4 way has more storyline work behind. I hope that ROH bout to be the last match of the night

    • Kingchuffalo

      CM Punk’s title matches have yet to get top billing when they have a “big deal” match with Cena to promote, as much as I’d love to see the title back in the main event slot, I wouldn’t hold my breath for this one.

  • Papa Squat

    I’m going with Del Rio as the champ
    Sheamus seems to much like a placeholder champ

  • Flash Wilkins

    Big Johnny was corpsing hard, guess there’s only one thing to do…….

  • Not a smart mark

    Disagree about the build for the divas match; they’ve actually been giving it a pretty solid build since the last PPV. Trouble is a) no-one cares and b) they’ll get 5 minutes of PPV time shoehorned between “more important” matches

    Taker has done far worse chokeslams than the Hogan mess too. Two of them were on top of HIAC though so they tend to get overlooked because of the resulting bump.

    Biggest thing holding back the tag team “division” at the mo is that nearly all of these teams fell like they’re just chucked together from guys they don’t really know what to do with. How about giving them some team names? I like ZigSwag for starters ;-)

    I can’t help feeling that the only reason for booking Johnny Ace vs Cena is that Laryngitis is the only person on the roster guaranteed to draw more boos than Cena

    • http://profile.yahoo.com/YAQWBFTSRTZYSLUMDZ4UCGNCLM Scott S

       If you are talking about him chokeslamming Mankind through the Hell in a Cell, and “chokeslamming” (more like pushing) Rikishi into a truck off of it, you can give those passes, since I would imagine, even with a normal sized man, trying to pull that off would be quite difficult.

      • Not a smart mark

        You are probably right. I just despise the general subtext of “Hogan can’t work” that goes with anyone pointing out that particular chokeslam

        • Mr. America’s smallest fan

           That’s the only evidence you can think of that suggests Hogan is useless? How about the fact he’s wrestled the same 3 matches in about 30 years? How about the fact he’s nothing more than dead weight that even strong people have trouble moving about due to him being as nimble as month-old road kill? He’s slow as hell, botchy as hell and he’s been past it for a long time now, and the only thing that could make this fact worse is that he’s in total denial of it, still thinking he’s the man, brother.

          • Thunderboy61

             And Flair isn’t? at least Hogan doesn’t look like he should spend more time in his rocking chair collecting his social security check and reminiscing about how much gas costs back in day. “Unlike Mr I Don’t Sign Prenups” Flair.

          • Flair’s debt

            I paint Flair with the same brush too, this is why I couldn’t care less about them feuding now, 10 years ago or 20 years ago. They should both just fuck off if you ask me.

    • Thunderboy61

       Instead of giving Ziggler and Swagger a team name maybe they should stop booking them so damn terribly Ziggler was already getting the shaft only for WWE to apprently change their mind and start booking him better for about 5 minutes. Swagger had the potential to be another Kurt Angle and even became World Champ (whose reign lasted longer than Ziggler’s incidentally) and he’s been kicked down the road worst than Ziggler has.

  • Guest

    Would not mind having an unstable AJ… 

  • Hitmonchan

    I’m looking more forward to the Ace/Cena match rather than the Punk/Bryan one.

    The chockload of botches that I want to point out like if it were some wrestling version of Pictureka

  • Jakob12

    Personally, I would love to see AJ have some matches, but the WWE would probably just make it a 3 minute squash. Honestly, you have talented divas, but they are squandered because the WWE has failed to give a shit. It’s painful.

  • Sitebender

    RKKK vs white blonde Americans.

    • Little Jimmy

       No mention of me at all in the name? :(

      LJ

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=686527171 Samuel Pooley
  • Komrade

    MLB*

  • Shoemoodoshaloo

     Hmm, so where is the “Rant”

    • Big Dave

       I think he’s just here to do a bit on Raw each week. Not all shows/events.

  • temple of mason

    Yeah guys.. the fuck did the rant go? Here’s mine. I attempted watching the pre show today on my sprint galaxy nexus phone which does not have 4g. It resulted in Kane’s entrance skipping every 13 seconds and showing half a second of actual footage. Faakin bullshiiit