The Name on the Marquee: WWF Championship Wrestling (08.25.1984)
-Originally aired August 25, 1984.
-Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Tony Garea.
WILD SAMOANS vs ROBBIE PARLIAMENT & RENE GOULET
-Afa stars with Rene Goulet. Goulet complains about hair-pulling. Goulet sends Afa into the ropes and leapfrogs him, but gets chopped down, and that upsets him enough to tag out.
-Parliament, a huge guy, gets beeled across the ring. Vince whips out what may very well be the first reference to Wendy’s “Where’s the beef?” campaign in pro wrestling history, and the references sustained the commentary industry for the remainder of the decade, well after the slogan and the little old lady who said it were both terminated.
-Sika chokes and rakes Parliament. Jobbers get Irish whipped into each other, and a double-headbutt finishes Parliament.
-Gene Okerlund hypes the September 19 card in Inglewood, California. Jesus, INGLEWOOD?! Is “Bulletproof Vest Match” a gimmick match that a lot of people are familiar with? Anyway, Wendi Richter meets Fabulous Moolah, and in a six man tag, Mil Mascaras and the Wild Samoans meet Captain Lou Albano, Dick Murdoch, and Adrian Adonis. Albano says that Mil Mascaras is a demented halfwit who “looks like a word that starts with a P.” Dick Murdoch says the next card in Los Angeles is too big for such an unworthy city.
BRUTUS BEEFCAKE vs JOSE LUIS RIVERA
-Brutus is oiled to the gills for his in-ring debut. Announcers make note of the suspicious metallic material on his forearm bands which may be used as weapons. Beefcake hammers Rivera and slams him, offering a celebratory strut. Powerslam by Beefcake. Beefcake struts around while the referee makes a one-count despite Beefcake’s body being nowhere near his opponent. Elbow by Beefcake finishes.
-Back to Gene Okerlund, who tells us about the big card in Inglewood with Hulk Hogan scheduled to defend the belt against Jesse Ventura, and B. Brian Blair will face Big John Studd. Moolah says Wendi had better keep training and Captain Lou rambles until they fade to black.
SGT. SLAUGHTER vs DAVE BARBIE
-Series of knees by the Sarge. Armbar and an arm wringer on Slaughter as Vince notes that Sarge is strategically keeping his sizable chin out of Barbie’s reach. Air conditioning in the Mid-Hudson must be busted because both guys are absolutely soaked after two minutes of lethargy.
-Barbie rakes the eyes to finally break the hold. He pounds Slaughter in the corner. Slaughter fights back with a few shots that Barbie no-sells (and he was honestly right to do so) and the cobra clutch puts us out of our misery.
-Gene Okerlund talks to Sheiky Baby, who says he’s still angry about being double-crossed by the WWF and fooled into defending his title against Hulk Hogan back in January, and now he’s chasing Hulk all over the world and can’t get a rematch.
-This week, we profile The Still-Billed-As-Incredible Hulk Hogan, who recently met Roger Staubach while both of them happened to be wearing tuxedos.
-Hot Rod welcomes Kamala, Friday, and Freddy Blassie. Blassie explains that slapping the stomach means “ready for war.” Blassie explains that Friday is a missionary who was raised in Uganda, which made him fluent in English and Kamalese or whatever the hell language it is. Blassie explains that the facepaint is indicative of being a tribal chief. And he tells a story about Kamala seeing his own face on a TV and destroying it, thinking he was being threatened.
THE SPOILER (National Heavyweight Champion) vs JEFF LANG
-Spoiler is ballsily billed as holding the title he ditched when he left Georgia. No title belt around his waist, though.
-Uppercuts and boots by the spoiler. He gets a handful of Lang’s hair and walks the ropes (guess who he trained) before coming down with an elbow. Spoiler walks the ropes again and Garea says with amazement “He actually walked the ropes! I’ve never seen anything like that!” It’s literally been about 90 seconds since the last time Spoiler did it.
-Spoiler continues unloading as David Wolff shows up on commentary. Spoiler drops an elbow from the top rope. He comes off the top with a claw hold and Lang eventually succumbs. Post-match, Wolff announces that his friends, The Fabulous Freebirds, are coming to the WWF.
It’s a montaaaaaaaaawge!
-Gene Okerlund chats with Hulk Hogan, coming to his own backyard for Inglewood action on September 19. He says that Jesse Ventura is banned from the Gold’s Gym in Venice Beach because he tore Hulk’s picture off the wall.
FINAL THOUGHT: A pretty lively week, not in the way of competition but at least in terms of development, with Freddy Blassie giving an impressive amount of depth to Kamala in a single two-minute promo, a debut, and a tease of some new arrivals. Thumbs up.
A Coliseum Video prooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooofile. -Ultimate Warrior warns us that smoking deprives us of full power! -Sean Mooney warns us that not buying Wrestlemania V on home video deprives us of full bonus wristwatch! -We start things off with a Patton-ish