• I’m still ill, but Dixie Carter acting angry is getting me through the day. ”DON’T LOOK AT ME WITH THOSE EYES!”
• Dixie Carter: ”They’ve thrown a big rock into a serene pond and the effect is long and wide” I AM HONESTLY CRYING WITH LAUGHTER RIGHT NOW (If you watch nothing else, for God’s sake watch Dixie starting the 2nd live show by going crazy.)
• Dixie and AJ are supposed to be the babyfaces in a storyline built around them having an affair. This is awesome, even by TNA standards. (AJ thought he had it bad being partnered with Flair.)
• The major ‘authority figures’ in wrestling today are Johnny Ace, Eve Torres, Dixie Carter, Hulk and Brooke Hogan. Read that and weep. (People then messaged me saying ”Have you forgotten about David Otunga?” to which I replied ”Yes.”)
• Hogan: ”This is the ten year anniversary of Impact Wrestling, brother!” No it isn’t, you hot dog coloured crazy man.
• Abyss as Penn Jillette is a good career move for him.
• Impact wants to be a TV show rather than a wrestling show…despite the inability of most of their stars to EMOTE, never mind act. (Crimson had just done his ”I’m so good” speech, but just sounded like a foreigner who learnt his lines phonetically. He showed signs of improving on the mic a month ago and now he’s back to being a haircut.)
• Impact can’t be a TV show because most shows white balance before they start filming. (IN TNA, EVERYONE IS FUCKING RED)
• Dixie Carter’s husband is called Surge. This amuses me. (Is Surge a common US name? Because it sounds hilarious to me)
• Crowd chants WE WANT TABLES during a contract signing. Even the crowd is hilariously awful. (”Look, it’s Buh Buh! We’d best chant that thing without thinking!”)
• Joseph Park/Bully Ray is my favourite thing about TNA. No idea where it’s going, either. (Yes. Park’s character is fun to watch and Ray hasn’t been this good since he was asking mothers in the front row if they taught their daughters how to suck dick.)
• Joey Ryan: ”I’m trending on Twitter!” SHUT UP YOU BAD WILL FERRELL CHARACTER. (All of Gut Check is awful and I have no idea what part is supposed to be entertaining…which makes it really fun to watch if you’re ill and everything is great because you’re off your tits on Lucozade)
• Second best thing about Impact: Robbie T’s sweater. (OH MY GOD IT WAS BEAUTIFUL)

• Hogan’s voice-breaking: Third best thing about Impact. (It broke like my knee when I wrestled my couch that one time, Brother.)
• Jeff Hardy: The Forgotten Muppet.

• I wonder how many cats had to die for Hogan’s hair. My guess:  Nine.
• Hogan stumbling over his point for about a minute is going in the next Botchamania, you betcha. (This was the new ”Right Gay Guy” moment for Hogan. He’s the main authority figure in TNA too, so he’s going to be all over the mic this summer. Thank you God.)
• Kaz and Samoa Joe must have a bet on who can have the worst haircut for the longest time. (I hope his haircut isn’t a permanent thing. Or maybe it’s part of the Daniels storyline and Kaz is just gradually becoming Daniels? One day two Daniels (D ‘n’ D?) will just emerge from backstage to defend their tag belts and Tenay/Taz won’t even blink.)
• Hernandez vs. Kid Kash is apparently happening on the PPV. Neither were mentioned on Impact. (I had no idea Kash was still under contract.)
• Mike Tenay: ”Sting gave Hogan control of TNA so Sting could concentrate on being a wrestler.” DAMN YOU HOGAN.
• Tazz:”Brooke Hogan debuts tonight! She’s a spitfire! This is exciting!”
• Mike Tenay: ”Text and Tweet your friends that Impact is live tonight!” I ALWAYS TEXT MY FRIENDS ABOUT TNA
• Joseph Park shown in the crowd with soda and popcorn = MANY BUYS.

• Aries and Joe are feuding because Aries accidentally sprayed Joe with a tiny amount of water. THIS IS AWESOME (To explain: Aries was squirting water onto his hair before his match with Sabin in the Gorilla Position. Joe was walking past and got some sort-of on him. After tweeting this, some maroon told me to stop splitting hairs about feuds.)
• Impact is apparently the highest rated show on Challenge TV. Not as manly as Unbeatable Banzuke though. (I love Banzuke. It’s very impressive whilst being stupid as hell at the same time.)
• If TNA wants to sell out London again, they need to cross-promote/appease Challenge TV and get a Banzuke Brian cameo appearance.
• Brooke Hogan inherited her Father’s good looks. (Obligatory appearance of this image, courtesy of Wrestling Memes on Facebook)

• Trying to figure out who has the worst mohawk…Samoa Joe or Seanbaby (Seanbaby keeps on coming up on suggested links for me, which isn’t very nice.)

AND THEN I STOPPED CONCENTRATING ON THE SHOWS WHEN THEY SHOWED TAZ SAT DOWN IN THE ‘GUT CHECK’ (YEAH, I KNOW I KNOW) SEGMENTS AND WE COULD SEE HOW FAT HE IS.

• Highlights of the Gut Check segments: Seeing how fat Taz is now. THE HUMAN SUBWAY MACHINE.
• SolidGoldCEO – You make it sound like a literal gut check with somebody poking Tazz’s belly (preferably while going “oink” with each poke)
• Taz is nearly as wide as he is tall now. He must hear ”Eat The Sub, Eat The Sub” in his head all day.
• Taz ordering food: ”Hello sir, may I take your order?” ”GREASY SUB! GREASY SUB!” #EATmeIFyouCAN
• Jarrod Bowers – Serve me if they let you?

And that was that. Impact Wrestling is now my favourite weekly wrestling show to watch because it follows my principles of ‘Enjoy it when it’s good and laugh at it when it’s bad’ because as good as Sabin vs. Aries and Daniels vs. Styles were, they weren’t half as entertaining as Carter, Hogan and Hogan.