Reviewed using the Dudley Boyz system that I invented this morning.

Great Muta & Sanada & Yasu vs. Bad Influence & Chris Sabin: Joel Gertner
Nothing too special (Muta’s entire body in 2014 is like Brutus Beefcake’s face) but it did a good job of warming up the show. Crowd chanted ”USA” just on instinct, but were silenced when Muta did a quick stare at the crowd.

Five minute Dixie Carter promo: One of those knock-off Dudleys you see on indy shows.

Samuel Shaw vs. Mr. Anderson: Chubby Dudley
A complete joke. Sadly, Chubby knew he was a joke but this match just turned into one.

Alright, here we go: Anderson leaves the cage but gently knocks into Earl Hebner the ref. Shaw reaches through the hole the camera goes in and manages to drag Christy Hemme THROUGH the cage like Pennywise dragging the kid through the sewer-drain. Anderson sees this and goes back in but Shaw eventually applies the choke onto Anderson as Hemme does a runner. Shaw then exits the cage to chase after Hemme at the same time Hebner wakes up from his T-Shirt-selling-induced coma and declares Shaw the winner.

Genuine length of Hebner’s sell: Four minutes, eleven seconds.

ECIII vs. Bobby Lashley: Dudley Dudley
Good talking, just don’t mention the wrestling.

Spud’s outfit: TNA Champion Bully Ray

Tiger Uno vs. Manik: Spike Dudley
Lots of spots, no psychology, but fun for ten minutes. Also head-drops.

Magnus vs. Samoa Joe: D-Von Dudley
Almost great, just lacking some key elements. In this case, an ending.

Joe had Magnus beat but an arm came out of the ring and dragged Joe off Magnus and into the hole. The entire crowd sighed. Joe then got out of the hole, looking angry and choked Magnus until unmasked Abyss hit him with a stick.

How to be a writer on Bleacher Report: Remember, when the commentators stress more than once that there’s ONLY ONE WAY of winning the match, it means that it’s going to end some other way.

Magnus still looks like a Paper Champion, which I’m not sure if it’s by design or not. Being British, I just want to see the guy beat the shit out of some guy and pin him like a boss.

Gunner vs. James Storm: Buh Buh Ray Dudley
Everything you want from a match, plus lots of violence thrown in for good measure and obviously the best thing about the show. Very impressive stuff here some Gunner, considering all he’s been for his TNA career is ”some guy who served in the army but

Madison Rayne vs. Gail Kim: Brother Devon
Same match I’ve been watching for years, but with a different clothes. I don’t care anymore, I’ve watched Kim and Rayne wrestle each other as many times as I’ve watched Swagger fail at singles pushes.

Lethal Lockdown: Big Dick Dudley
You know you were getting some big spots and nothing else. And that’s what you got.

Actually that’s harsh: the big moves at the end were fun and Hardy debuting his new Willow gimmick to COMPLETE SILENCE  and diving off the cage through the four men that were supposed to catch him was entertaining as well.

But then TNA continues to try to be cute, like some small child at a party that insists on flipping tables and making a mess to get people to pay attention to it when all we want it to do is shut up and do as it’s told. Dixie Carter promised somebody ”from New York” as an insurance policy to keep her company, stupidly teasing something they can’t deliver. (Note: The crowd chanted for CM Punk twice, once during the Anderson vs. Shaw match and once at EC3 who told the crowd ”Hey, you’re not hijacking THIS show!)

It’s revealed to be Bully Ray, wearing an AJ Styles hoodie and beard (hey look, two NUDGE, NUDGE, WINK, WINK, IWC, IWC references in one segment!) who proceeds to turn on Roode and the Carter Crew and sides with MVP’s VPs.

So Dixie decided to pick the guy who has spent the last two years trying to destroy TNA from Dixie as her back-up.

She got Littlefinger’d.

The crowd the entire night: Sign Guy Dudley

Overall: Good wrestlers and wrestling, shit angles and endings. Remember: Don’t hate the player…hate the game.