Who is Fighting Who? If Only Lillian Knew
By Imogen Reed
Some wrestlers can be thought of as a car crash waiting to happen. Think Sin Cara. What about a pint-sized hostess who’s only job is to introduce the stars? Well, she is a cycle accident maybe. Sure, the car accidents are much more spectacular with bits flying everywhere and dedicated YouTube streams, but cycle accidents can be just as painful for those concerned.
A few days ago at the WWE Smackdown, Lilian Garcia went over the handlebars when she was handed the relatively simple task of introducing Zack Ryder AKA Long Island Iced Z. What could possibly go wrong? Take a look.
Yup, she called the dude Jack Swagger. How could she make such a blooper? Does she not watch YouTube? Sure, both men are big, blond and American. Sure they are both muscle mountains or perhaps she was just jealous of Vickie Guerrero? Thinking I want a slice of that pie. Guerrero gets Swagger and Dolph Ziggler fighting over her, while poor old Lilian has a man who made his fame on Twittermania.
It is a heart-warming story though, isn’t it? Dubbed the Ryder Revolution, poor old Zack was getting no airtime. Wrestling away off TV, he wanted some more of the action. No problem, he did what anyone would do. Not getting promoted at work? Not got that million-dollar bonus for investing other people’s money so well? Well, start a YouTube series. Dubbed, Z! True Long Island Story and getting his message out on Twitter too, Ryder took on the big powers and got the crowd chanting his name. Now he’s back and one of the main Smackdown stars. The boy did good.
Or did he? Look at the title. There’s a clue there. “True” and “story” are the giveaway. They chanted. The organizers gave in and ol’ Babyface was back in the action. He beat Primo last June on Raw. This time they weren’t really chanting his name. More like “did she just call him Jack Swagger?”
Going into 2012, Ryder’s had a lot on his mind. Bless. The poor chap has been trying to woo Eve. This led to some punishment from Kane who slammed the hapless Ryder through the stage. What bad luck, standing right there on the only bit of stage leading directly to some kind of pointless pit. Lucky they weren’t storing spikes there. By this time, he’d lost his United States Championship crown to Jack Swagger. Ah there we are, no wonder Lillian got herself confused. This leads us up to the March 23 edition of Smackdown.
The March 23 Smackdown started off with some light banter between Daniel Bryan and AJ Lee. What a lovely couple, they spoon apparently. Good to know. This of course makes Sheamus vomit in his mouth, as would anyone really, but it is a good opportunity for some Daniel vs. Sheamus banter ahead of Wrestlemania. Don’t tell Zack, he’s still on Twitter. The first fight is between R Truth and Mark Henry. This then leads into Yokozuna’s induction into the WWE Hall of Fame. It’s not often that a sumo rank gets into a hall of fame, what next? Ozeki or Komusubi?
Then Zack gets his first chance of the night. Not to fight, that comes later. No, he persuades Teddy to let him on the team. At first Teddy is sceptical, it would not be much of a story if he wasn’t, it would be like Faramir being unaffected by the one ring. The introduction of Zack’s buddy, Hornswoggle, however, changes all that. Go Team!
AJ Lee then gets her hair pulled, how unfair, by Brie Bella, but wins the tie. This leads Daniel to cite his coaching prowess, while Nikki Bella bemoans Brie’s arrogance in dismissing hers. Some people just do not listen.
Now back to our feature dude’s nemesis, Jack Swagger and he’s up against, erm… Jack Swagger. Yup, it’s time for Lilian’s fateful botch. So, Swagger’s fighting himself? Is it a new schizophrenic/multiple-personality thing they’ve got going on there? Actors playing so many characters they cannot cope. No, it’s poor old YouTube dude, Zack taking on and beating Swagger. After that defeat he’ll be plain old Jack.
Forget the fights though, it seems like WWE is botching its own anti-bullying campaign. The botch about the botch came after fans complained about John Cena, a friend of Zack’s. Cena praised Lilian’s looks, but disparaged her mental abilities. As if to offer a refrain Lilian said “Hey my Lil Rockers, just want to tell you that I LUV YOU, I LUV YOU, I LUV YOU!! You are the BEST fans in the world!!” to her fans. That told him, however, it’s left people wondering about WWE’s Be a Star campaign which aims to take bullying out of wrestling. Surely that’s the point or are they going to settle bouts with rock, paper, scissors?