Who is Fighting Who? If Only Lillian Knew

Who is Fighting Who?  If Only Lillian Knew
By Imogen Reed

Some wrestlers can be thought of as a car crash waiting to happen. Think Sin Cara. What about a pint-sized hostess who’s only job is to introduce the stars? Well, she is a cycle accident maybe. Sure, the car accidents are much more spectacular with bits flying everywhere and dedicated YouTube streams, but cycle accidents can be just as painful for those concerned.

A few days ago at the WWE Smackdown, Lilian Garcia went over the handlebars when she was handed the relatively simple task of introducing Zack Ryder AKA Long Island Iced Z. What could possibly go wrong? Take a look.

Yup, she called the dude Jack Swagger. How could she make such a blooper? Does she not watch YouTube? Sure, both men are big, blond and American. Sure they are both muscle mountains or perhaps she was just jealous of Vickie Guerrero? Thinking I want a slice of that pie. Guerrero gets Swagger and Dolph Ziggler fighting over her, while poor old Lilian has a man who made his fame on Twittermania.

It is a heart-warming story though, isn’t it? Dubbed the Ryder Revolution, poor old Zack was getting no airtime. Wrestling away off TV, he wanted some more of the action. No problem, he did what anyone would do. Not getting promoted at work? Not got that million-dollar bonus for investing other people’s money so well? Well, start a YouTube series. Dubbed, Z! True Long Island Story and getting his message out on Twitter too, Ryder took on the big powers and got the crowd chanting his name. Now he’s back and one of the main Smackdown stars. The boy did good.

Or did he? Look at the title. There’s a clue there. “True” and “story” are the giveaway. They chanted. The organizers gave in and ol’ Babyface was back in the action. He beat Primo last June on Raw. This time they weren’t really chanting his name. More like “did she just call him Jack Swagger?”

Going into 2012, Ryder’s had a lot on his mind. Bless. The poor chap has been trying to woo Eve. This led to some punishment from Kane who slammed the hapless Ryder through the stage. What bad luck, standing right there on the only bit of stage leading directly to some kind of pointless pit. Lucky they weren’t storing spikes there. By this time, he’d lost his United States Championship crown to Jack Swagger. Ah there we are, no wonder Lillian got herself confused. This leads us up to the March 23 edition of Smackdown.

The March 23 Smackdown started off with some light banter between Daniel Bryan and AJ Lee. What a lovely couple, they spoon apparently. Good to know. This of course makes Sheamus vomit in his mouth, as would anyone really, but it is a good opportunity for some Daniel vs. Sheamus banter ahead of Wrestlemania. Don’t tell Zack, he’s still on Twitter. The first fight is between R Truth and Mark Henry. This then leads into Yokozuna’s induction into the WWE Hall of Fame. It’s not often that a sumo rank gets into a hall of fame, what next? Ozeki or Komusubi?
Then Zack gets his first chance of the night. Not to fight, that comes later. No, he persuades Teddy to let him on the team. At first Teddy is sceptical, it would not be much of a story if he wasn’t, it would be like Faramir being unaffected by the one ring. The introduction of Zack’s buddy, Hornswoggle, however, changes all that. Go Team!

AJ Lee then gets her hair pulled, how unfair, by Brie Bella, but wins the tie. This leads Daniel to cite his coaching prowess, while Nikki Bella bemoans Brie’s arrogance in dismissing hers. Some people just do not listen.

Now back to our feature dude’s nemesis, Jack Swagger and he’s up against, erm… Jack Swagger. Yup, it’s time for Lilian’s fateful botch. So, Swagger’s fighting himself? Is it a new schizophrenic/multiple-personality thing they’ve got going on there? Actors playing so many characters they cannot cope. No, it’s poor old YouTube dude, Zack taking on and beating Swagger. After that defeat he’ll be plain old Jack.

Forget the fights though, it seems like WWE is botching its own anti-bullying campaign. The botch about the botch came after fans complained about John Cena, a friend of Zack’s. Cena praised Lilian’s looks, but disparaged her mental abilities. As if to offer a refrain Lilian said “Hey my Lil Rockers, just want to tell you that I LUV YOU, I LUV YOU, I LUV YOU!! You are the BEST fans in the world!!” to her fans. That told him, however, it’s left people wondering about WWE’s Be a Star campaign which aims to take bullying out of wrestling. Surely that’s the point or are they going to settle bouts with rock, paper, scissors?

  • mrchopper

    Bork Laser was a bully. He bullied everybody. He broke arms. He laughed at people. He made the little kid’s favourite wrestler bleed – twice – in a time where the tiniest spot of claret will stop a match. He completely destroyed the boy. It was like he was looking dead into the eyes of every Little Jimmy out there whilst repeatedly smashing their idol’s face into the steel steps. And he was smiling whilst he did it.

    Then, from somewhere, the hero popped up and BLAMMO! He made the bully bleed. He made him taste his own medicine. Then he pinned him. Then he made him super angry and the bully went off in a sulk and said he wasn’t coming back. He ran off with his ball. This is, essentially, a be a STAR storyline from start to finish. Bork didn’t come back to inflict pain. He didn’t come back to win. He came back for a f*cking bullying campaign. And to sell a few Jimmy Johns on the side.

    Now, I like AJ. I also like Lillian. I like old console games. I also like sexy times.
    Would these awesome women be ripped into if they weren’t so beautiful/adorable/unobtainable? I can’t imagine they’ll give Kharma a Funkasaurus-esque gimmick when she comes back. I can’t imagine they’ll dress Beth up like giant cock, whose entire gimmick is to fall down the ramp when she’s on the way to a match. But to think – it took a whole long time for indy wrestlers to finally be accepted as equals in WWE. In terms of the wrasslin’ hierarchy, surely women are next?

  • Hitmonchan

    Who cares if she botched? Lilian’s a 45 year old piece of ass that’s still smoking hot. To top it all off, she’s not a mother.

  • Jeff

    LOL at least Jack was in the ring. Could have been worse, she could have said AJ Stylez.

  • GuestGuy

    What the hell is this nonsense? Maffew please don’t make the mistakes that Wrestlecrap made and put up these lousy features by guest writers and such. 

  • butterpecs

    =/ I gave this blog a fair chance and read the whole thing. I don’t mean to be rude, but this was a completely pointless blog and was a waste of time to read. 

    And yes, I saw your tags. I’m happy that this blog does not contain your thoughts and words or else I’d be severely concerned. 

    • Christopher

       I completely agree. The only writer on this site should be maffew.

  • Viewtifulzfo

    Totally unrelated, but in the LOTR books Faramir is unaffected by the One Ring; that only happens in the movie.

    Not sure if that’s a display of my inability to pay attention or not.

    • taranaich

      Faramir wasn’t affected by the One Ring because he knew how dangerous it was, and wouldn’t *let* himself be affected.  The only person in Middle-earth completely unaffected by the Ring was Tom Bombadil, who seemed to be put in by Tolkien simply to mess with our heads.

      Pedantic literature fan awaaaaaay

  • Tony2Times

    At the UK SmackDown taping a few weeks ago, Lilian fell over walking down the ramp. She can’t seem to get anything right, although I missed her when she was gone.

  • Taz

    “Hey don’t forget about me!”

  • I brought my own shovel

    Complaints about a blog = no more blogs for a year. I thought this piece was okay at the time but… meh.