Wrestlemania Abridged (Part 1)

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Added by March 17, 2012

Because life is too short to watch all of Wrestlemania IV.


I haven’t written a decent article in a while but with Wrestlemania it seemed a good enough excuse as any. Because the fanbase for Botchamania seems to be ages 8 to 88, I need to remind myself that everybody has seen everything. I am also aware that I am increasingly being considered a ‘guru’ of sorts in regards to wrestling because I’m one of the few ‘internet personalities’ (ugh) to not watch wrestling ironically.

Which brings me to Wrestlemania Abridged. There are a lot of Wrestlemanias with a lot of matches, skits and interviews on them. We all have one life to live (unless you’re Hindu), so you should really enjoy it to it’s fullest and not watch stuff Dino Bravo matches unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Thanks to the beauty of sites like YouTube and Dailymotion, we don’t even need to make homebrewed DVD compilations of All Killer, No Filler Wrestlemania moments. And thanks to this article, you don’t even need to think or make lists yourselves! You just let Uncle Maffew think for you and click the video links below.

(I’ll be separating the categories via Matches, Segments and Crap. Because Crap is fun for some. And there’s plenty of it at Wrestlemania >.> The following selections are my own opinion. Feel free to disagree or suggest your own lists.)

Wrestlemania I

Matches

The line-up for the first Wrestlemania consists of solid if unspectacular matches, so you really only really *need* to watch the main event. In 2012, everything 80s is worshipped and adored so the main event with MISTER FUCKING T WRESTLING should please the hipsters and the pressence of Piper and Orndorff should please everybody else.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NsS9n4LpMQ
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTu_wgituE8&feature=related

On the undercard I’d only recommend Steamboat/Borne. Far from Steamboat’s best, but half-good Steamboat is still better than most. Plus there’s the novelty of pre-Doink Borne.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ersogq1Q5Ws

Segments

Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff and Freddy Blassie celebrating after their Tag Title victory is easily more fun than the match itself. ”Gene Mean!”

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PQ64YwV09o&t=14m53s

Aside from that, there’s the segment which made a lot of people want to watch Wrestlemania I to begin with: Hogan and Mr. T talking to Richard Belzer. Long story short, Hogan gets annoyed at Belzer’s questions and tightly locks in a choke-hold on Belzer…and then releases him causing him to brain himself on the floor. ”Don’t worry, he’s just sleeping.”

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7n_SHrK408

Crap

The other reason to watch Wrestlemania I involved Captain Lou Albano, Wendi Richter (!), Lelani Kai (!!) and Cyndi Lauper (!!!). It’s a country mile away from 2012 Diva wrestling but still manages to be a mess.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOhDBnlt6Wo

This is probably the only time Cyndi will get mentioned on this blog (God willing), so here’s another essential wrestling moment involving her.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxLhytQ67fs&ob=av2n

Wrestlemania II

Matches

God I hate Wrestlemania II. Luckily for you I have the gift of Alchemy and can turn crap into gold.

Generally considered the first great Wrestlemania match, The Dream Team vs. The Bulldogs (with Ozzy Osbourne in their corner, which must have been like mixing cocaine with…more cocaine). Obviously Greg Valentine, Dynamite Kid and Davey Boy bring the goods (especially Kid’s ludicrous end-of-match bump) but it’s worth noting that Brutus Beefcake holds his own too. He wasn’t always Hogan’s lackey.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eTpHIf7FwM

The Funks (Terry and er, Hoss) vs. JYD & Tito Santana is another lighthouse in a fog of shite. Funk defies his age for approximately the 700th time in his career and bumps on the concrete like it’s nothing.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAfJ2mWdcq8

Segments

It has to be Jake Roberts’ unleashing his snake onto unsuspecting jobber George Wells, causing Wells to foam at the mouth. What a way to get a gimmick over. Also interesting is how much offence Roberts gives Wells.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YV-k6BtiQcA

None of Piper’s demented promos on Mr. T from the event are on the ‘tube. I can’t find the ”Mr. T is the only man I know who wears more chains than his ancestors” promo either, so here’s general Piper/T goodness instead.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKbR4Dh85C8

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aRwbwLxLr0

Crap

Christ, where to begin?

The ‘Where’s The Beef?’ woman’s introduction by Mean Gene is easily the funniest moment of the show, for all the wrong reasons.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRAjShq060U&t=2m5s

I have yet to figure out what the hell happens during Moolah/McIntyre, or if it was supposed to end like that. If it was, then WOW. I’ve heard the rumour that McIntyre’s top ripped/tore off/she got injured before, but never had a chance to confirm it. *shrug*

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8tJjmWB-KQ

Corporal Kirchner has the nerve to blade in a match lasting two minutes.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-licRthn6M

The late, great Adrian Adonis tries his best to make UNCLE ELMER look like a threat, but not even Atlas could carry this lump on his back. Got to love Elmer falling over whilst delivering a punch.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpzNJCbtfA0

Don’t watch the Piper/Mr. T Boxing match. Watch WWE and Piper’s retelling of said farce instead. It’s healthier.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AztpNkNrj4Q

The Randy Savage/George Steele match is a mess anyway, but when you put Susan St. James over the top of it, it becomes unwatchable. (Warning: Video will hurt your brain)

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd9Zd3fBZiI

Wrestlemania III

Matches

Wrestlemania III. So-called because it’s at least three times better than the previous Wrestlemania. One of the main reasons is a match so obvious it’s almost an insult to type ”yeah you should probably watch this match”.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skjWY3vXYoQ
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21yHgXsLges&feature=related

Elsewhere, most of Wrestlemania III is worth watching to be honest. All the matches have a purpose as opposed to the previous two FuckItLetsHaveAMatchManias.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fWYHjZ1qrk

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vAalVNbwB4&feature=channel

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Zcelf2QdFU&feature=channel

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=298mXR8JL9o&feature=channel

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRCD7Qu46SQ

Segments

BREAK BACKS, FUCK ASSES and other five-year old memes. Also funny to note that Iron Sheik’s recollections of the match don’t quite fit the reality…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYWDZ9MfbJQ
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9K-wEUCCvE0

Crap

Not crap but not everyone’s definition of entertaining either, Bundy/Jim is definitely a ‘Only in wrestling’ momentm. A bald giant with no eyebrows attacks midgets teaming with a hillbilly.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHzGr3SVFq4

Billy Jack Haynes/Hercules defies logic and is somehow good, but I’m putting it in the crap section just because Billy Jack claims he was supposed to headline Wrestlemania III, which is one of the most deluded things I’ve ever heard from a wrestler.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9A4UspUXzA&feature=related

Speaking of delusional, every fan needs to watch Hogan slam a 500lb/600lb/700lb/800lb Andre right over his head, considering Andre died a few months later/two weeks later/immediately after the match/during the introductions.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjhHimMR63I

 The match is so famous, even Capcom paid tribute to it.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-FkXwahz54

Join me next time for Wrestlemanias IV and V: The Trump Years! Agree/Disagree with the selections? Leave your thoughts below then, silly.

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  • TerminalStench07

    THANK YOU for putting up the Steamboat/Savage match!!

  • Levikeinz

    Great idea! I’m just missing I and II to have watched every WrestleMania ever. And BAH GAWD, there’s been a LOT of crap over the years.

  • Josh

    Is the Hogan/Andre match really that bad? WON gave it -3 stars and called it the worst match of that year? Me? It’s certainly doesn’t hold a candle to Savage/ Steamboat, but I always considered it below average.

  • Cat Mandoo

    Nice, I’m into this feature. Looking forward to more.

  • Bring Back Cornette

    Hugo sounds like the Iron Sheik when he says he’s number one lol

  • http://twitter.com/JoeyRTres Joey R.

    I used to laugh hysterically when Freddie Blassie claimed he never had a cane to begin with.

    WW II is a completely blur to me except for the worst battle royal in the history of battle royals.

    And of course, Steamboat v. Savage, easily the greatest wrestling match in North America in the past 50 years. Too bad nothing will ever top it. Other than that, WM III is a huge blur to me too, and I watched the anniversary DVD WWE out years ago.

  • http://www.youtube.com/nhlalwenhlezondo Nolo King

    People were entertained by anything back then, lawls!

  • tony

    does this mean there won’t be a Wrestlemaniamania after all?!?!

  • masked superstar 3

    Remember Hogan tore all his muscle and broke all his bones slamming andre

    • Aubin

      Hogan exploded when he slammed Andre. All that remained was Hogan’s stache, getting the pin fall…

  • HatingSince87

    Wow . . . . bravo sir. I hope this leads to other PPVs/Events getting this treatment like Summerslam/Royal Rumble/Starcade/Slamboree etc.

  • Aubin

    Just goes to show that Wrestling has always been heavy on the shit. But if you APPRECIATE the shit, and you cherish the gems you find when you dig through it!

  • Samuel

    ”Mr. T is the only man I know who wears more chains than his ancestors”

    OMG WHAT I NEED TO SEE THIS

  • Greg

    Loved this!!! Keep them coming!

  • http://www.dkconnections.co.uk JAYKAY

    LOVING this feature, hope you stick with Maff as I love shit like this written by someone who I dont want to get run over and shot, which is OMFGRARE!

  • Super Stevie

    WrestleMania III was the peak of the WWE. It can never be that good again.

  • G

    I’m so glad you included the ‘Where’s the beef?’ lady. That has to be the single funniest moment in Mania history. She looks like she’s trying to do a Hitler salute!

  • Naitch

    When did Maffew start getting so cocky? Calling yourself a “guru,” telling the world you’re being flown out to America for geekcon (we’re not impressed) and labelling yourself “successful” on your twitter page makes you sound like a total dick. Botchamania is great but none of the ideas are your own, you’re not a celebrity so stop trying to act like one.

  • http://www.dkconnections.co.uk JAYKAY

    Naitch, Maffew has been pretty open about disliking being labelled as a ‘celebrity’.

  • Alan

    something I always loved about Macho Man: whenever he goes for a double ax handle from the top rope, he hardly ever really jumps, he just kinda drops off of the perch. So simplistic looking. Very old school.

  • John

    Is that a Fink Botch at the end of the WMI Women’s title match?

  • Mr. McMahon

    Adonis sells like Ziggler in that Elmer match!

    “Legwarmers and all, he’s a very dangerous man.”

    RIP, Adorable one.

  • Phishd

    Hugo Andore. He even kinda sounds like Andre doesnt he?

    Also for those that dont get it(although im sure most of the people on this site are) Andore is an obvious homage to Andre the Giant. His name in Final Fight was just “Andore”. This comes from the unusual pronunciation of Andre by Japanese speakers “An-door-rae”