Wrestlemania XXIX

Like This Video 28 26 maffew
Added by April 9, 2013

You know what’s what, let’s look at the tweets:

  • Remember when WWE saved America from hurricanes? I do now. (All the opening was missing was Steph coming out and comparing the devastation left behind by the hurricanes to the steroid trials.)
  • ”THAT MOMENT WHEN TIME STOPS” Bloody Youtube needs buffering.
  • PURPLE AKI represented yet again. I love it. (I still don’t understand why that sign is a ‘thing’ at every Wrestlemania but God is it funny.)

  • I hope Shield don’t come through the crowd for this match. They’ll be shagged. (Seconds later they indeed came down via the crowd. They were un-shagged.)
  • IF CENA WINS WE COMPLAIN ONLINE sign-holder: I love you.
  • Li’l Naitch has a better dye job than Rawlins.
  • Didn’t think I’d ever see Jon Moxley at Wrestlemania. So happy for the guy. (Amazing that I’ve watched his career grow step-by-step.)
  • Rollins hair + Ambrose accent + Reigns body = Sabretooth.
  • Big Show as BILLY NO MATES
  • SHOW TURNS ON HIS PARTNERS because they were being dicks. Nice logical turn…oh wait he’s still heel. (Why are WWE faces so unlikable? Is it an American thing? Is it cool to be an unlikable dick? DMC suggests this to be true. Show turning-but-not-turning is the only thing I’ve predicted correctly in months, mostly because it followed logic.)
  • They should show shirtless Ambrose and Rawlins in the Sky HD adverts. (Maffew loses male Twitter followers. Maffew gains female Twitter followers.)
  • CENA VS ROCK II IS ON THIS PPV I JUST ORDERED? OH MAN, CAN I ORDER IT TWICE? (People used to mock WCW relentlessly for this and there they are in 2013 still doing it.)
  • Mark Henry vs. DeviantArt Finlay
  • Legit want Mark Henry to win…COME ON YOU BIG GRANDMOTHERLOVER
  • People chanting ”Sexual Chocolate” at Strong Mark. Screw you people.  (I wonder if fans know WHY they’re doing it or if it’s a Pavlov’s dog thing at this point.)
  • I hope Henry sleeps with Ryback’s mum and has more hands.  (Oh man what an amazing feud that would be. ”He has his father’s fingers…”)
  •  Skinhead vs. Enormous Scary Black Guy. it’s like Oz all over again.
  • BLACK SNORLAX WINS, YES YES YES YES YES
  • ”FINISH IT!” The match is over, silly. (He only has the power if he says the catchphrase. ”Shazam”)
  • Why does Ryback’s music play when he lost? Everybody’s hating on Strong Mark today. 
  • Rey vs. Sheamus vs. JBL was better than Ryback vs. Mark Henry.
  • Big E and his porno-tights are here. (Only friction keeps his gear on.)
  • Kane is at Sheamus-level tan colour.
  • Ziggler botches. It’s OK fella, there’s not many watching.
  • Team Hell No to continue teaming until the next batch of hurricanes takes out America. (Which wouldn’t be an issue if they had anything resembling a feud. Match was good.)
  • LOOK, CESARO IS ON THE PPV (as a clip of Cesaro wrestling Miz was shown. Sigh.)
  • I hope Fandango doesn’t wrestle and holds off until Backlash.
  • Those aren’t fireworks, North Korea had money on Ryback to win.
  • Everytime Fandango struts, his music should play.
  • That ending was rougher than a badger’s arse.
  • Never seen Fandango wrestle, so I had zero expectations. He still disappointed. (Bit harsh there. The character is entertaining enough for him to get away without being Steamboat.)
  • MIZ WITH THE FIGURE THREE AND A HALF. (Pre-Show title wins mean I can’t even call him Miz-Card. Damn.)
  • Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: ”Poop Diddy are you in show business now? I didn’t realise wearing a suit was a skill!”
  • Del Rio in the skyscraper: ”Everything the light touches is my kingdom. God I’m rich.”
  • The MV recap for Swagger/Del Rio is better than anything that’s actually happened in the feud. (Big props to the MV department for all the packages. Did a great job of explaining who was what to the people who avoid Raw.)
  • Racist Grandad is my new favourite wrestling gimmick. We can all relate in some way. (If my Grandad was still alive, he’d love Zeb.)
  • Did Swagger get a DUI on the way to the ring? (Swagger gets his entrance cut, thus causing internet-people to suggest Vince is mad with him. Because God knows if your boss is mad at you he puts you in a position to make a ton of money in one night. BRB weed.)
  • ”This match is for the World Heavyweight Title…no, really” (Lilian sounded surprised at everything she was saying.)
  • ”Jack Swagger is a real American but a really bad Mexican”
  • I hope Del Rio wins with a Piñata shot.  (It’s funny, Zeb could put together a MV package of Del Rio engaging in criminal activity just from the Big Show feud alone.  ”You stole his car, burst into his hotel room and ruined his suit? YOU HAVE TO BE IN FCW TO GET AWAY WITH THAT.”)
  • WHEN IT COMES CRUSHING DOWN AND IT HURTS INSIII-IIIDE/I SMOKED SOME WEED AND I TRIED TO DRIII-IIIVE.
  • Del Rio has been on a great in-ring run, shame he’s had bugger-all to work with interview and feud wise.
  • BarberShopWindow vs. WWE had a better build than this. (NO COMMENT)
  • Rodriguez on crutches. At least he can enter the 2014 Special Olympics.
  • Noise in the room as match faded to black with no Ziggler: ”Awwwwwwwww” (Match wasn’t bad but the only thing of interest was the manager.  And Ziggler. Neither wrestled.)
  • Undertaker: ”I WILL TAKE YOUR SOUL”
  • CM Punk: ”lol i’m atheist”
  • Undi sadly didn’t use his powers to turn the Statue of Liberty mobile Ghostbusters 2-style and punt Punk so hard he’d land in TNA.
  • UNDERTAKER OFFICIALLY BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS. (What a match. Punk looked and acted like a completely different person to how he was in the 2009 feud.)
  •  Cena/Rock II. The one where Cena finds out Rock’s his real dad.
  • The Kimura lock pops out your shoulder. The only reason HBK’s arm broke was because BROCK WAS DOING IT.
  • Triple H: ”I see your dick tattoo and raise you one CONDENSED SMOKE CHEST”
  • Brock lands on his neck to avoid hurting his tattoo.
  • Brock didn’t mean to break the table, he was just setting up for the next move. He’s just that Brock. (”I’m just going to put Tripper on here so I can-oh, never mind.”)
  •  Triple H finally knows how Booker T felt. (I was hoping Brock would win, therefore ruining this tweet.)
  • JBL: ”How guttsy is Triple H?” as HHH fearlessly hits another man with a chair.
  •  My housemate: ”It’s No Holds Barred, why doesn’t Triple H just shoot Brock?” (Brock would eat the gun like that one nightmare Bart had about Nelson.)
  • Brock Lesnar’s aura is second only to Undi. His matches have all been events as he’s such a convincing psycho monster. (It helps he’s barely on TV, it barely matters he’s lost two of his three matches.)

  • Bruno Sammartino ”This company wouldn’t be here without me.” Trump: ”Likewise.” (Not sure what the hell I’m talking about here.)
  • Explaining to my housemates why the main good guy Cena is being booed by everybody: ”because he’s shit.”
  • Clay and Tensai couldn’t decide who was going to be the team leader so the match was cancelled, shades of Wrestlemania X.
  • They should have a counter in the corner for all the people that are leaving during this match. (”We’ve broken another record…more people left during this main event than Triple H/Orton! Give yourselves…a big hand. Not you Mark Jr.”)
  • First time they’ve done triple main events back-to-back on a PPV. The result? ”Boring” chants during Rock/Cena II. (I had no idea how important Diva matches were until now. I take it all back.)
  • I hope Cena gets ill so the Make-A-Wish Foundation can arrange him to meet himself so he can realise why he gets booed so much.
  • Paul Bearer heard Cena’s spot-calling.
  • ”Alright, we’ve hit our finishers so now the crowd will believe the match will end when we hit them again” Wrestlemania Main Events. (Kurt Angle is entirely to blame for this. Impressive how influential he’s been.)
  • It’s not over until Cena says it’s over. Loudly. On camera.
  • Cole: ”After Cena lost to Rock, he wasn’t the same for a year.” HE WAS EXACTLY THE SAME, THAT’S THE PROBLEM.
  • The exchanging of two moves over again was hilarious. Hanging onto something that’s not working, perfect analogy for Cena’s character. (It really didn’t work when I watched it the first time with friends but re-watching it made me appreciate it a bit more. if you laugh quieter you realise the crowd *does* get into it.)
  • Bonus points: No tedious comedy skits, no blatant adverts for things unrelated to the company. Felt a lot more like Wrestlemania than usual.
  • Margaret Thatcher’s dead. BEST WRESTLEMANIA EVER. (After ‘Mania went off the air, Cena got on the mic and told the crowd ”We did it, we finally got her.”)
  • ”HEY MAFFEW TELL US ALL HOW BAD WRESTLEMANIA WAS.” Love wrestling, hate wrestling fans. (I don’t care if I lose fans/respect/bitcoins with that statement, most of the people that talk to me online don’t know how to enjoy wrestling.)
  • Overall: YAY WRESTLING


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  • powerofthepunch

    ” ”HEY MAFFEW TELL US ALL HOW BAD WRESTLEMANIA WAS.” Love wrestling, hate wrestling fans. (I
    don’t care if I lose fans/respect/bitcoins with that statement, most of
    the people that talk to me online don’t know how to enjoy wrestling.) ” Kind of sums up my feelings for wrestling. I don’t understand where people are coming from by saying this was the worst mania ever or any of that sensationalistic crap. They’re just mad their overblown expectations weren’t met.

    • Ustin Jisenberg

      yeah, its not like you can have expectations when you paid 70 bucks for 4 hours worth of content, OH WAIT

      • Matt Morton

        owned.

    • InverseTwo

      “overblown expectations?”

      I wasn’t aware that “not completely sucking” was an unreasonable expectation. Look. I’d RATHER have expectations of ACTUAL quality, rather than being amused by the wrestling equivalent of being hypnotized by a pair of jiggling car keys and being somehow entertained by it like an easily pleased 6-year old that gushes over the laziest, bare minimum of effort like this train-wreck of a PPV was. This Wrestlemania flat-out sucked and you know it.

      But then again, most of the “just lighten up, you need to appreciate more” mouthbreathing imbeciles are the same idiots that can only say that because they illegally pirated a free stream and didn’t actually PAY MONEY to be subjected to WWE crapping in my mouth and calling it fillet mignon. So i’m not too threatened by that. The rest of us are confident and justified to say that crap is crap. Because it is crap and this was crap.

      • dennett316

        No, I don’t know it sucked. Only one match sucked, and that was Ryback/Henry. Were the rest of the matches “Wrestlemania” level? Not really, but that doesn’t equal sucking. You can continue mistaking your opinion for fact all you like, but just saying that doesn’t make it so.

      • Matt Morton

        Why in the bloody fuck do you watch wrestling?????

  • Autrach Sejanoz

    Well said, Maffew. Sick of people saying this Wrestlemania was worse than WM 27. DID YOU FUCKERS EVEN WATCH WM 27?

    • InverseTwo

      Yes. And it was vastly better than this crock of shit.

      • http://twitter.com/geoffdes78 Geoff DeSouza

        Taker / HHH (which, in retrospect, was kind of the same match as Rock / Cena – all finishers with little linking it together) wasn’t nearly enough to save that pile of crud. IT FEATURED THE MIZ IN THE MAIN EVENT FOR PETE’S SAKE!

  • Danh

    So people are not allowed to complain when the “Biggest event of the year” (70 damn bucks) is uneventful, dull, and ultra predictable.
    But we are suppose to sat YAY WRESTLING like monkeys always or else “Maffew is not going to like us, bu hoo”.

  • Danh

    So people are not allowed to complain when the “Biggest event of the year” (70 damn bucks) is uneventful, dull, and ultra predictable.
    But we are suppose to say YAY WRESTLING like monkeys always or else “Maffew is not going to like us, boo hoo”.

  • Nux

    Just finished watching Mania a day late (Raw will have to wait) on Box Office.

    I would’ve enjoyed the show had I had either Lesnar or Rock won. To be fair, there wasn’t one backstage segment with 14 guys dancing, there wasn’t a “good” match cut for Diddy and I genuinely thought the matches were all of a solid standard, there wasn’t one match that was just insulting the fans intelligence (Henry vs. Ryback was ridiculously well done for the players involved and how shit it couldve been had Henry been airlifted by Ryback 3 minutes in).

    Should I be annoyed that none of “my guys” got it done in the 2 main events? Perhaps, I think there’s a lot of crossover between the Lesnar and Rock fans, and though I was fucking relieved when Lesnar broke out of the Kimura every time (Brock tapping out wouldve had me go crazy), Rock doing the bullshit “passing the torch” just pissed me off, he’s the Rock, that’s not who he is.

    I just don’t know who the PPV was really for, I don’t think those who enjoyed the matches got the finishes they wanted and those who enjoyed the finishes perhaps didn’t get the more ‘bells and whistles’ side of Wrestling. The weaker Mania’s tend to not find their identity, and I think this was one.

    But I liked the matches. I also think holding off Ziggler’s cash in was fine, I’ve seen a few tweets ripping on that, we already have Undertaker winning telegraphed every year, Ziggler’s cash-in was also a little too ‘eurgh’.

    I think WWE has got it’s act together in terms of the wrestling on PPVs (relative to some of their previous standards), which is such a positive thing.

    I hope Lesnar starts winning and The Rock at least calls Cena out on his bullshit one more time, because as the most intriguing people WWE have, their narrative became a bit shit.

  • MANnY

    Wrestlemania was a solid B+. Would have been an A had one of these 3 happen: Ortonhearsawho turn, Punk win or Cesaro had been on the card… I too saw that sign about cena winning we complain on the internet. Thought of you right off the bat, told my wife ” T.hat’s gonna end up on Botchamania!” To which she replied, ” Why would that be on a porn site?” ….

  • tmacman

    I actually thought this was a pretty good mania, the build was poor, it was a little bit predictable, and Rock vs. Cena looked like some crap out of WWE ’13, spamming finishers (I think the “Rock Bottom” has become the new “DDT”, if you know what I mean), but it was still a pretty decent mania.

    Trust me though, eventually the gut reaction to Cena winning WM29 will wear off and you won’t hear anymore “worst mania ever” bull crap.

    • dennett316

      That’s called a joke, don’t be so sensitive. “slapping everyone in the face”, oh please.

      • tmacman

        It wasn’t meant to come off as sensitive, maybe some slight exaggeration, but that isn’t shit compared to some of the messy comments I’ve read. It was one of those “ha ha, very funny… you jackass”, a joke at the crowds expense, etc., that would go down fine with me if I generally liked him or if he had a good match at mania.

  • http://www.facebook.com/miguel.condez.7 Miguel Condez

    It was a pretty average Mania. Nothing amazing but nothing awful. Rock vs Cena 2 was better than the first but nothing amazing. Triple H vs Lesnar suffered from a stale crowd and Punk vs Taker was amazing as expected.

    The rest of the matches didn’t had enough time. You summed up the problem with Big Show turning. He’s he supposed to be a heel? the other two guys were being assholes! I can’t sympathize with them and Show was justified. The match itself was good but I felt he needed a stipulation.
    Bryan and Kane vs Ziggler and co needed more time. The rest was passable.

  • http://whatistheexcel.com/ Excel-2013

    I still have to be constantly reminded at how much Cena dropped the ball last year. The stigma still hasn’t gone away in my mind.

  • ||

    It wasnt a dull wrestlemania atall, im 21 and live in the UK, read the wrestling news sites daily and been a fan for 14 years. Raw and wrestling does get annoying that its not as good as a whole as it was back in the day, and it needs to be changed around a bit, heel cena needs to happen soon but be done properly.

    anyway Wrestlemania wasnt terrible, was good seeing Ryback destroyed by Henry, Shields debut was good, Taker v Punk was brilliant, HHH v Lesnar was real good and Cena v Rock was decent with a good finish. not the worst mania ever or any BS like the whiny boffs are sayin on the internet. you in america should all know better than to pay $70 for wrestlemania anyway, i know i wouldnt pay that much no matter what, its a dumb price. there should of been more to it, a few backstage segments would of been nice n should never be left out, and the money in the bank desperately needs to be moved back to Mania, i dont know if that will happen though, if they got enough Mania buys anyway and can still make a whole ppv based on 1 popular match that would of been on mania, their probably gonna keep MITB seperate, they should atleast have something involving ladders at every mania though.

    anyway stop whining, it was a decent Wrestlemania

    • Danh

      People who bought mania can complain as much as they want, and nobody is entitled to tell them to “stop whining. And “decent” shouldn’t be acceptable.
      I don’t now why “it wasn’t bad” keep some guys happy.

  • DrLetzShake

    i cant stand the ballroom inferno gimmick

  • Codster9

    That’s Brock’s face when he’s trying to break a Japanese Table.

  • Buzzy
  • Fabsser

    what a wonderful, predictable show. i got every match right and didn’t even know that the ic title was on the line. i was laughing so hard, when i saw that miz won the since-cody-lost-it-doesn’t-mean-a-damn-thing title. was wrestlemania at bwin.com? every bet would have been right. i would have made a million that night… at least!!! one thing is good about that mania. wwe kept their word… “anything can happen.” even if it’s absolutely NOTHING. so let’s move on into a wonderful year of stupid storylines, pg-area dialogs, cena face everywhere, good wrestlers that are put in a goat gimmick, have to dance for their money or are hold down as normal until january when a little spark of exitement goes around, nice matches for mania 30 are announced and we complain about the stupid shit that will happen, the day after mania. FULL CIRCLE -> every year :-)

  • stonecoldku

    When talking about Lesnar. It barley matters that he lost two of his three matches. Just like his UFC career. If WWE creative is as stupid as the UFC he will get a title match now.

  • http://www.facebook.com/stephen.crane.378 Stephen Crane

    I had to wait a week to watch Wrestlemania. I was only compelled to fast forward through two segments, the Shield/Show/Shamus/Orton (Orton has been pisspoor since the Evolution gimmick finished) match and Ryback/Henry (Ryback is Bill Goldberg without the unstoppable force aspect.) HHH/Lesnar wasn’t as brutal as some No Holds Barred matches I’ve seen and Undi/Punk was match of the night.

    I could have called Cena getting the title/redemption last year. I don’t know what it is about Cena but I just can’t get behind him.

  • http://www.facebook.com/thebrawler.lj TheBrawler LJ

    Best part of Wrestlemania was the raw after.

  • MPT

    Don’t care that you don’t care Maffew