(Note from Maffew: I love Adam Nedeff’s reviews for 411mania and he has been kind enough to let me post his stuff whenever he types more up. Enjoy!)
Coliseum Video presents the WWF going through a pile of footage and asking, “Hey guys, have we put this on a video yet?”
Wrestling’s Most Embarassing Moments
-Yes, it’s a Coliseum Video compilation of bloopers and wacky moments from the WWF.
-Your host is Mean Maffew Okerlund. We open fittingly with a Mean Gene blooper from All-American Wrestling.
“The Million Dollar Man” TED DIBIASE (with Virgil) vs. CHRIS CURTIS
-We start with Ted’s Wrestling Challenge debut, where he objects strenuously to having to lower himself to facing a jobber. He hires another jobber, Mister Washington, to wrestle the match for him. Virgil gives him a handful of money, and Washington promptly gets the shit kicked out of him and squashed in about a minute by the other jobber, to a hilarious huge pop from the crowd.
-DiBiase is so pissed that he unleashes a second ass-kicking on Washington and takes the cash back. I think DiBiase is actually more pissed that he had to reach in and cup Washington’s balls to get the money. Why can’t you stick the cash in your boot like a normal wrestler?
-We see more bloopers with Gene and Lordy.
JESSE VENTURA vs STEVE LOMBARDI
-Vince and Jesse watch a squash match together on TNT. This show could be so weird and awkward before they added a live studio audience. Jesse, Vince, and Lord Alfred trade insults with about 30 seconds of silence between each sentence, culminating with the historic first-ever mention of “herpes” by a professional wrestler, as the future governor makes fun of Alfred’s cold sore.
-Hogan vs. Savage from MSG. Hogan immediately steals Savage’s sunglasses and beats the piss out of Savage while wearing them. The end.
LORD ALFRED HAYES’ GREATEST MOMENTS
-We get a montage of Alfred’s greatest moments. Fabulous Moolah, dressed as a witch, beats the shit out of him with a broom. Next, Hulk talks about his dietary regimen, explaining that he starts each morning with a protein shake and twelve vitamins so powerful that “you’ll be burping powder all day.” And sneezing it also. Alfred tries a shake and runs offstage to vomit.
SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE? MORE LIKE SPECIAL GUEST REVERY!
I came up with that title myself, winking smiley face. Gorilla Monsoon referees a Bruno/Graham title match and carries Graham back to the ring on his shoulders when he tries to run away. Swede Hansen catches Don Muraco coming off the ropes, bodyslams him and then counts the pin to cost him the match.
-We get clips of the famous Hogan/Mean Gene tag team match from Minneapolis. Gene enters the ring in tights and a tiny tank top as his voiceover narration says that this clip will show us “a small piece of myself.” I think I can taste that Mean Gene Burger coming back up.
VINCE MCMAHON BLOOPER REEL
-It’s amazing what a difference cue cards can do. Vince tries to do an introduction to “The Best of the WWF” from memory but keeps forgetting the name of the tape. Hearing Vince shout “Goddamn!” is pretty weird.
TERRY FUNK/JUNKYARD DOG HIGHLIGHTS
-We see Terry’s debut and his assault on Mel Phillips. At the time it was supposed to make Terry look like a racist, but knowing what we know now, it looks like Terry was just being a star. We follow with Terry unleashing a beating on the Dog with a branding iron at MSG, and that all leads to a confrontation on Saturday Night’s Main Event in Hershey, PA.
-Holy shit, they actually give us pretty much the entire match, with Terry bumping like a pinball for JYD, and Jimmy Hart’s at ringside, and damn, any time Jimmy’s there, you know he’s going to take it upon himself to earn his paycheck. Jimmy does some beautifully-timed distraction-by-beating-taking to allow Terry to sneak up with the megaphone and KO the Dog for the win. Dog avenges it by ripping Jimmy’s pants off and branding him.
-Ted DiBiase demands the finest room in the hotel and gets a couple kicked out of the honeymoon suite at a hotel. Highlight of the segment is discovering why Virgil never talked, because he sounds so generic and unnatural when he badgers the couple and chases them out of the room. “Come on, lovebirds! Move!” Leaping Lanny Poffo concludes with an anti-DiBiase poem.
ANDRE THE GIANT vs BLACK DEMON
Andre squashes the fuck out of the masked jobber whose blue tights and pink boots don’t seem to agree with his name. Andre wins with a big boot and fans swarm the ring to get autographs. Andre sticks around to sign autographs, and the so-called “Black” Demon, who is white, or at best, Hispanic, recovers and attacks from behind. Andre gets pissed and rips the mask off. What’s hilarious is that the fans immediately lose interest in getting autographs from Andre and SWARM the Demon to try to look at his face, so Rick Martel and Tony Garea run to the ring to create a diversion so the poor bastard can get out of there.
“THE ADORABLE ADRIAN EXPOSED!”
-God, I already hate where this segment might be going. Adonis interferes during another Hogan/Savage match and gets his dress ripped off, revealing a bra. Judging from Gorilla’s absolutely shit-losing tone of voice, we’re supposed to be blown away that a guy whose entire fucking persona is “cross dresser” would be wearing a bra.
-Another All-American clip, with Gene and Lord Alfred having a laugh during a conversation about cricket that just goes on forever.
INTERVIEW WITH PAUL ORNDORFF AND BOBBY HEENAN
-They look at the finish of Wrestlemania and Heenan talks about the meetings and phone calls he had with Roddy Piper leading up to the match. Orndorff was completely left out of every conversation and loses his temper when Heenan pretty much blames him for losing the match. He fires Heenan and storms off the set.
-We fast-forward to 1987, when Orndorff is back with Heenan and Heenan wants to welcome Rick Rude to the WWF by having Paul Orndorff say that he has the best body in wrestling. Orndorff loses his temper and fires him AGAIN.
-Meanwhile, back in 1985, Vince is still screwing up his video introductions, forgetting his own name at one point.
GEORGE “The Animal” STEELE vs KING HARLEY RACE
-Mid-card comedy match that could have main evented anywhere on the east coast just a few years earlier. Steele unloads his arsenal and Race bumps all over the place Comedy bumps give way to a full-blown brawl, with Race getting the upper hand and ramming him from stair to table to post. Steele loses his temper and tosses four chairs into the ring. Race is the first one to use them, getting himself disqualified. Steele makes his own comeback and wails on him all the way back to the locker room. Damn, Steele was FEELING it tonight, that was actually a lot of fun to watch.
-Another Mean Gene blooper; the tech crew on All-American plays a prank on him by spinning the on-screen picture while he tries to show the cover of WWF Magazine, and he tells them “Go fuck yourselves!” It’s bleeped, but still really surprising to hear.
DYNAMITE KID vs NIKOLAI VOLKOFF
-From the Wrestling Classic. Volkoff’s anthem takes too much time, so Dynamite perches himself on the top rope and just connects with a missile dropkick to get the win in six seconds.
-Slick introduces his newest charge, Bam-Bam Bigelow, but Bam-Bam shows up instead with Sir Oliver Humperdink and tells Slick to go screw.
-A weird segment from MSG where Piper’s guests are a pair of “fans” (one of whom is Tim White) who fearlessly talk back at Roddy when he tries to intimidate them. Finally Piper brings out his main guest, Bruno Sammartino. Piper loses his temper and calls Bruno a wop. Bruno retaliates with a shove, and a brawl ensues.
-Vince is still screwing up, presumably while a prepubescent Michael Cole yells at him through an earpiece.
-Johnny V gets his head shaved by former charge Brutus Beefcake.
SLAMMY AWARD HIGHLIGHTS
Gorilla Monsoon’s zipper is open, Piper’s trophy is broken, and Nikolai Volkoff’s segment is stupid.
THE BODY SHOP
-A weird awkward segment with Andre the Giant where you can spot the exact moment that they get the “wrap it up” signal, because they have a conversation about Andre’s weight gain and a recent tour of foreign countries, and then out of nowhere Andre grabs Jesse’s boa and Jesse goes on a tirade and storms off the set. Okay, so scripting the promos isn’t COMPLETELY evil and wrong.
TED DIBIASE’S BASKETBALL CHALLENGE
-Okay, seriously, somebody out there must know little Shawn. Maybe he’s out there. Maybe he uses this as a pick-up line or icebreaker at parties.
ALL AMERICAN WRESTLING’S FOURTH ANNIVERSARY
-Gene Okerlund gets hit in the chest with a cake and reacts like he genuinely wasn’t in on it, and the crew cracks up. We close the tape with a shot of Gene letting some brain hang. Thanks.
A weird mishmash of clips because they couldn’t decide on a theme: bloopers, awkward moments, or comedy matches? And honestly, the comedy matches notion was the part that worked the best and actually could have supported the entire tape if they stuck with that direction.