Sheamus gets his revenge on Sandow tonight. If I beat a guy every week for the past two months, I’d want to beat him one more time too. (Heels are faces and faces are shit in 2013)

WWE presents Payback For People Who Spent Good Money For A Non-Finish For Cena/Ryback. (See, a good story would have been ‘Ryback destroys Cena at Extreme Rules and claims the title, Cena rehabs and comes back, vows to destroy Ryback at his own match instead of ‘Non-Finish, Cena unharmed, challenges man-beast to a brutal match anyway.’)

Curtis Axel: Bobby Roode with Big Head Mode on.

Curtis Axel out-tans The Miz. He deserves a title for that alone.

The Miz, Wade Barrett and Curtis Axel. I bet ten good pounds that they’re in the same position on the card next year. If employed.

Barrett and Miz have been allegedly feuding for months. You could sum up all the exciting bits on a Vine video.

Curtis busts out the Hennig ‘get kicked and use the ropes to flip’ bump. Perfect emulation, he should call himself Mr. WAD. (Probably a bit too specific a joke there. Never mind, Google exists.)

That was Miz’s best match in years. Awesome finish, new champ and a white-hot crowd. Perfect. (Struggling to remember the last match Miz had that was that good. Probably that Three-Way TLC match with Punk and ADR.)

Curtis Axel stares off with Triple H. He should have broken the silence by singing the Mr. Perfect theme as loud as possible. (That seriously needs to be the next football chant for the crowd to ruin matches with.)

Michael Cole: ”And things would get worse on Smackdown.” YEAH, EVERY WEEK.

Apparently Kaitlyn/AJ is ”long-awaited”. So is my next Dentist appointment but I’m not clamouring for it.

Having said that, this was definitely the best Divas match in years. Gail Kim’s lit a fire underneath them, clearly.

Kaitlyn looks and acts like the lass in the club who’s just realised she’s a grenade.

Kailyn cries, camera zooms in…crowd chants ”YOU TAPPED OUT!” at her. Hilariously brutal. (You’d think WWE would know how fans in different areas will react by now. There’s no crying in wrestling, dammit.)

Kaitlyn cries backstage with other nameless divas. Everybody in the crowd: ”Oh, this is why I skip Raw.”

They should have gone all the way with Kaitlyn’s breakdown and had her tweet that Vince McMahon was ugly and she hated everybody but her cat.

Ambrose retains, RVD is returning and Sheamus was relegated to the pre-show. It was a good three minutes. (Ambrose/Kane was fine but not a lot to talk about other than the crowd loved Ambrose.)

Ziggler is naff on the mic and struggles with emoting. He’s still head-and-shoulders above ADR who has less lines than a pull-string toy.

Del Rio turns heel mid-match…by wrestling exactly the same. Says a lot about ADR. (He’s always super-aggressive in the ring, even when a face. Sorry, ‘face’.)

Ziggler losing the belt may have been the best thing for him. Crowd loved him after the match. (So they’ll ruin him by having him make lame jokes and be generally unlikable and…oh wait Ziggler does that anyway. In that case, nothing can stop him! Except kicks to the head.)

ADR as ‘The Heel Who Doesn’t Realise He’s A Heel’ looks like fun. If it works, he can make a stable with Jericho, Miz, Sheamus, Cena…

Can I pre-order the Irish Sideburns CM Punk action figure yet?

Jerry Lawler: ”They should add a fourth stage of hell: commentating with Michael Cole.” (Lawler would later call a Single Crab a ”Half-Nelson”, so not sure whose cock he’s sniffing.)

Orton heard RVD was coming back, so he warmed up by giving Rollins a concussion. (That was one ugly spot. Or maybe Rollins likes bumping on his head. ROH is a tough drug to give up.)

Jericho/Punk was a damn fine match in front of a damn fine crowd.

Punk’s GTS/Hulk-Up/GTS again was a beautiful finish. Punk’s Wolverine chops give him amazing regenerating techniques.

Still no idea why babyface Cena is challenging the huge dude who killed him to an OTT gimmick match. Other way around, surely? (And where’s Mark Henry? He beat Ryback at Wrestlemania, he’s higher up on the food chain.)

I hope the Ryback action figure comes with an ambulance. He can race my Turtlevan. (Where’s my mod for Crush Hour? Ryback’s Ambulance > Nash’s Quad-Bike)

Reading Powerslam Magazine while the Ryback/Cena MV plays. Their intense dislike for Jericho and Mark Henry is amusing. (I love Powerslam (natch, I write for them), but Fin Martin’s disdain for Jericho is legendary.)

Crowd enjoys chanting ”Goldberg” at Ryback so WWE sticks him with the Ambulance Match gimmick…which was a latter-day WCW idea. Huh.

Michael Cole: ”We’ve had some great Lumberjack matches over the years.” All I can think of is Cena/Sabu. (The replies on Twitter were all ”Diesel/Sid” which shows the standards of Lumberjack matches.)

Crowd chants ”You Both Suck” at Cena/Ryback. Was that a WCW wrestler? (Aye, Tank Abbott.)

Ryback gets mobbed by Lumberjacks so Cena dives onto everybody in one of those ”This doesn’t make sense but it looks pretty so yay” spots. (Sin Cara was on the outside of the pile and when everyone fell down, he paused a second then fell.I love you Cara.)

Cesaro is in his own Three Stages Of Hell on the outside. Losing Streak followed by Yodelling Gimmick followed by US Title Win.
In an ideal world: Ryback beats Cena two falls to none, then dumps him in the ambulance anyway. Laughing all the way. (He could have Cena in his ambulance for another month or so, just driving him around from town-to-town tied up. ”Look at your hero!” Then Cena recovers and beats Ryback in a Falls Count Anywhere match by driving the ambulance off a cliff. Ryback returns later on in the year as Super Ryback (with mask and chains), having sold his soul to Heyman so he can come back to life to avenge his losses.)

Powerslam Magazine will blame the low buyrate for Payback on Jericho. He’ll also get blamed for the Turkish riots and voting for Hubert Humphrey. (Did I mention Fin Martin hates hates hates hates hates hates Jericho?)

Ryback looks under the ring and finds the elusive Table-Gun and simply shoots Cena to win the second fall. (Or he makes a model Ambulance out of tables and scores both falls at once. And a BTEC in Design.)

I miss Jim Ross’ third hour throaty ”BAH GAWD TABLE SPOT” voice. Much better than Cole’s ”oh wow that just happened” monotone. (”Ryback just powerbombed Cena through the announce table. Oh and Cena’s head hit the floor too. Download the app.”)

If Ryback really is Goldberg, he should be more concerned with who the driver of the ambulance is. (You must be this old *points to sign that says ‘Twenty-Five’* to get this joke.)

Ryback punches a window out. THEY’RE EVEN GIVING HIM GOLDBERG SPOTS NOW. This is a joke at this point, right? (Just keep him away from Bret.)

Cena twats Ryback with an ambulance door and the commentators laugh. Mick Foley quit WCW for less than this. (For those that didn’t read Foley’s first book: He had a rematch with Vader in 1994 and got powerbombed on the concrete in a repeat of their 1993 stunner. The commentators made no mention of the previous match (that occured one year to the day of the match) and instead made tepid jokes. Foley saw the match when it aired and handed in his resignation.)

The commentators have to stop talking for a minute or so to stop laughing as the ambulance is destroyed. Your main event, folks. (The match died here. The story-telling went right out of the frigging window in favour of big, dumb spots. Just like Extreme Rules, except this time the commentator’s inability so stop laughing really hindered the match. If they can’t take it seriously, why should I?)

Same Ol’ Cena, Same ‘Ol Complaint: If you never lose/look vulnerable then there’s no tension and I don’t care about the match. (Which is why matches like Lesnar/Cena are so special: CENA SELLS! For a bit.)

They stole the finish from Awesome/Bigelow Ambulance Match? The measuring stick is buried so far down only Cesaro can see it nowadays. (And here it is!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Eu_qq3mCoQ&feature=youtu.be

Overall: Aside from decades-old Cena complaints we’re all sick of typing about, Payback was a pretty awesome PPV. Even the Divas gave it their all, a sign of the end times if there ever was one. No bad matches, a nuclear crowd, title changes everywhere and ADR is slightly interesting again. Good times.