Hello and thanks for showing up to reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.

And your host for this event, hailing from a dark corner in the North East of England, someone more blunt than a sledgehammer to the bollocks, a guy with the grumpiness of a man three times his age and the only person able to get more hot and bothered than the bastard child of Ric Flair and James E. Cornette, Danny Damage.

The Raw Rant, 4th June 2012

Hello and welcome to the final two hour edition of Monday Night Raw. We are of course welcomed with a video recap from last week. Tonights offering is The Big Show’s path of destruction over the last week.

Next up is the apparent “Voice of the WWE”, Michael Cole, interviewing John Cena. All the kids and their mums cheer Cena until they get bored of that and John Laurinaitis comes out to let Cena book his own match tonight, Cena chooses Michael Cole. Wow, another awesome John Cena match for me to look forward to………..

The Sheamus not apologising recap video is brought to you by our healthy, sports entertainment lifestyle approving friends at-, oh wait, it’s Pizza Hut, never mind. I know it’s all a money game but it always amuses me how a sports company with athletes in prime physical condition happen to plug junk food. It’s the same with McDonalds, various beers and credit cards in English football.

Sheamus KO’s Dolph Ziggler (w/Vicki) with the Brogue Kick. Alberto del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez assault Sheamus on the ramp. Rematch from Smackdown, Ziggler selling everything like a boss!

David Otunga and John Laurinaitis are backstage discussing the job evaluations next week which will be given by Mr. Vince McMahon!

Sin Cara defeats Hunico (w/Camacho) after hitting La Mistica. Hmm, not a bad match, this time. I didn’t really get to see what Sin Cara did on Smackdown by the fact that the commercial break ended halfway through the finish.

Ryback destroys two guys half his size combined, again. Pretty much the same 2 vs. 1 match he last did on Smackdown, amusing at the moment, but I’m sure to get bored of it if they don’t start booking him in proper matches sooner rather than later.

Kane pins CM Punk in a non-title match. Daniel Bryan jumped on the announcer’s table to cut a promo before the match and sticks around to watch it. After the match, AJ is targeted by Kane, but she smiles him away. She goes backstage and does a very bad job of acting crazy around Josh Matthews.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth (w/Little Jimmy) win against Tyler Reks & Curt Hawkins thanks to a Trouble In Paradise. What’s this? The tag TEAM matches (not just solo guys Face A & Face B vs. Heel A & Heel B) have been rather consistent as of late? Maybe someone has actually decided to give the division some real attention within the show.

Cena gets ready for Cole in the ring but Laurinaitis sets a hurdle for Cena first. If he can beat Tensai/Lord Tensai/Giant Bernard/A-Train/Albert/Prince Albert/Whatever-the-feck-he’s-called-this-week, then Cena gets his hands on Cole afterwards, in a No DQ match.

Tensai’s streak is obviously broken at the hands of John Cena (as always) after a AA/FU/Standing fireman’s slam and then Cole is beaten on and finished with the same boring move.


Cena bores me for long enough as it is, I’m not sure which direction they’re heading with the three hour change. I’d like to hope they’re stuffing it with more matches, but my guess is that anyone thinking this way is getting cock-slapped after a few three hour shows and the extra time will be filled with more antics. I got burned this way a while back when Impact went from one to two hours.

This week had far too much Michael Cole for my liking too. I don’t know if my head can take listening to him for an extra hour a week. Look at it this way, I hate the cunt, but even seeing him get his arse kicked was a mental chore for me. Actually, a minute of Ryback knocking him around would have been more entertaining than Cena going through his list of humiliating things to do to non-wrestlers. Don’t get me wrong though, Cole is great to get heat from the crowd, but stick him in the manager category or something and leave him away from the commentator’s table, he doesn’t need to be on air and in my ear all the time.

The Big Show’s push as an evil giant continues in his absence with a couple of video packages shown over the show. I doubt his status will remain after Cena overcomes the odds (as always) at No Way Out and Show’s back to being as beatable as ever by the time Brodus Clay returns for vengeance.

The Kane/Punk/Bryan/AJ angle took few steps forward, building into what should be a good triple threat match. Sheamus vs. Alberto del Rio has potential to be good also, assuming they don’t just have del Rio work the arm solid for fifteen minutes and get hit with the Brogue Kick out of nowhere for the pin.

The No Way Out card currently looks like this:

Steel Cage Match

John Cena vs. The Big Show

WWE Championship Match

CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Kane

World Heavyweight Title Match

Sheamus vs. Alberto del Rio

It’s looking a little skinny at the moment, so I’m expecting a tag title match, possibly Epico and Primo getting their rematch and Beth Phoenix may get a rematch for the Diva’s belt too. I think it’s time they billed Ryback in a match, rather than just squashing two jobbers out of the blue, even if it does end up being a five minute squash match. It’s another match to the card and his matches are good for getting a crowd pumped for a match they might not be that worked up for before hand, *cough* Diva’s *cough*.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to take the piss about Sin Cara Con Botch returning, get ready Maffew!

Digest and discuss! Thanks for reading, take care and I’ll see you next week.

Danny Damage


  • Nux

    I thought Cena was maybe going to go the way of Orton (post-Christian feud pre-suspension) and flutter around on the show, be there every week in a middling match and then do the dark match to keep his fans happy as well.

    But it’s just getting worse, he’s trying to become a comedian, and any wrestler in the top few spots should only ever have comedy as a crutch (see Edge, wrestler first, occasionally used humour), Cena’s doing badly delivered quips and jokes ripped from Jim Carey in 1995 every single week. Comedy in wrestling should be limited to legends and 2-3 guys on the main roster (DX, Santino, Hornswoggle etc). Wrestling is rarely funny intentionally, The Rock is the shining exception.

    The sad thing is, Cena trying to be chummy detracts from me wanting to see Laurinaitis get his ass kicked and as you said, Cole get his ass kicked. No joking, Kane would be better in the role Cena has at the moment, and even if you dislike Kane, he would at least create some sense of intimidation around an announcer being beaten up by a man twice their size – Cena makes it seem like a fucking RomCom half the time.

    And besides that everything was great. FAAAAAAAACKIN BULLSHEEEEET.

    • Hitmonchan

      But it’s not like people give a damn about Cole or Cena nowadays. They’re just filler like whatever is holding Stephanie’s tits.

      • GiftoftheMagi

        It’s not that they care, it’s that WWE wants you to care. It’s a bit obvious that Vince is not convinced the current talent can hold the show, and unfortunately Cena sells merch. Thus, we see them constantly burying other storylines (Punk, Ryder, etc) to try and boost Cena more and more.

        What they REALLY need is for Cena to get ‘injured’ so bad he’s gone for 6-9 months…and then he comes back just wreaking everything in his path. Not a heel turn, but a force of nature.

  • eugenesteamboat

    comedy is best left to people who have it in their character to be funny. DX were smartasses, Santino is a goofball, Piper is a bastard, punk is another smartass… Cena is the hardworking everyman role model. Bullying a bully is really rising above hate, and even though he can “dis” people as a sort-of-rapper, he should leave the comedy to funny people. (is it just me or is R truth funnier by just waving for little jimmy to come along down the ramp?). Plus, Michael Cole is already really toned down from super heel… that shit ended months ago. Why have Cena go after him now?

    • Derp

      Yeah it’s like they just forgot that handshake with JR at WM never happened. 

  • DD2

    you know it’s getting bad when ryback destroying 2 jobbers was the only thing from the show that sticks out 3 days later for me.

  • Hitmonchan

    AJ’s bad acting (and tits that are too tiny for my liking), Punk looking like shit compared to Kane, and his buttbuddy relationship with fellow ROH-bot cumrade Daniel Bryan turned into a repetitive feud shows how bright the future of the WWE is.

    • GiftoftheMagi

      I want to hurt you…or worse, make you watch CZW

  • “Hello and welcome to the final two hour edition of Monday Night Raw.”

    Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought Raw being 3 hours didn’t start until the 1,000th episode (I know next week’s Raw will be 3 hours, but won’t there be a few more 2 hour Raw’s before then?

    •  Oh? Is that the case? I thought next week going 3 hours was the start of 3 hours full-time. My apologies, you caught me out! 😀

      • Yeah, I am almost certain that it doesn’t go to 3 hours permanently until the 1,000th episode, not unless I missed something.

        • Chalmer316

          scott is right. i’m going to raw on the 25th and my ticket says “2 hour raw supershow”

        • Chalmer316

          scott is right. i’m going to raw on the 25th and my ticket says “2 hour raw supershow”

  • Not a smart mark

    Quite like this AJ angle, they haven’t gone the obvious it -was-a-setup-all-along route with her swerving everyone and ending up back with D-Bry. Still time for that, though from the fact that Cole has twice mentioned Kane not holding the title for 14 years I’m picking the Big Red Machine for NWO (weird how he neglected to mention he beat SCSA though :/).
    Ryback feels like one big lame joke at the expense of Bill Goldberg. Gillberg was far more entertaining.
    Sadly I agree about the Cena/Show feud. Big Show has for me been at his most convincing unstoppable giant mode since his first year in WCW over the last few weeks, but he’s just going to end up being made to look like a moron or jobber by Cena, either at this PPV or the next one a la Kane earlier this year at the Rumble/Elimination Chamber PPVs.
    And yeah, Michael Cole… I wish they’d decide if he is supposed to be a heel or not, because the stupidest thing about Cena beating the crap out of him (did Ed Ferrara and Vince Russo get a royalty check for that?) is that Cole actually has been a Cena cheerleader all along, except for during his match with Big Johnny Ace.
    I thought they were maybe teasing a JR return out of the situation though, but that may just be wishful thinking.

  • wow your a hater, anit you now danny damage

  • 1 2

    Kinda enjoyed this, prefer comedic colour commentary to play-by-play or complaining about the story quality, but not bad. No love for King reading Cole’s script about the 45minute mark?
    King “…Cole says, I can’t believe they made a graphic”
    Cole “I can’t believe they made a graphic”

    • cashd00d

      I noticed that too.

      King: “Michael Cole says ‘They actually made a graphic. Hehe! This can’t be happening?'”
      Cole: “I can’t believe they made a graphic of this thing!”
      King: …
      Cole: “I can’t believe that!”