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Hello and thanks for showing up to reflect on the latest episode of Monday Night Raw.


And your host for this event, hailing from a dark corner in the North East of England, someone more blunt than a sledgehammer to the bollocks, a guy with the grumpiness of a man three times his age and the only person able to get more hot and bothered than the bastard child of Ric Flair and James E. Cornette, Danny Damage.


The Raw Rant, July 9th 2012


We open shop this week with a recap of the love triangle revolving around the WWE title, AJ pushing both of them through a table last week on Raw and CM Punk getting sloppy seconds on Smackdown.


AJ comes out to the ring……………..and talks like this…………….because she’s not sure……..how much of a pause to………..put between each sentence………or that she’s having………..trouble remembering her lines. Either way, it’s a subliminal cry for help to get her off the stick and back into a wrestle or shut up routine. CM Punk joins her to demonstrate how a normal person speaks. She pops his head by popping the question but Daniel Bryan runs out to break the whole thing up and to ask AJ to marry him instead. At this moment, the lights flicker and that god-awful message alert sounds. The anonymous GM is in charge for the night which makes way for the Jowl-flapping Voice of the WWE, Michael Cole to pretend he’s reading a laptop screen by looking at the keyboard, good work. CM Punk & AJ vs. Daniel Bryan & Eve will be the main event for the evening.


Sheamus squashes Jack Swagger with White Noise and the Brogue Kick. Alberto del Rio gloats on the Titantron so Sheamus takes his anger out on Swagger with another Brogue Kick.


Santino Marella is backstage with Zack Ryder, discussing Ryder being the GM for Smackdown this week. Santino takes it upon himself to begin an investigation into the identity of the anonymous GM.


Just announced, The Rock will be at #Raw1000 to discuss his goal of another WWE Title run.


Dolph Ziggler & Tensai defeat Christian and Tyson Kidd. Tensai’s trying to get a bit of credibility back by pinning the IC Champion after a back splash off the ropes. Kidd gets tossed outside and gets a power bomb onto the ring apron.


While bickering about something at the table, Cole spills a drink on Jerry Lawler, this causes Jerry to square up to him but they’re interrupted by the GM. A match may be made later between Lawler and Cole, but we have to vote on WWE.com “Yes” or “No” if we want it. Oh shit.


Brodus Clay flattens Drew McIntyre with the Big Splash. As per usual, it took Clay twice the time to get to ring than it did to beat his opponent, what a fucking time waste. McIntyre was caught saying something like “it’s just the same song and dance each week”, and you’re right mate, it is. Christ on a stick, considering Brodus is supposed to be a wrestler that also dances, you think he’d know a thing or two about timing, take note that he STILL can’t get the timing right for his trouser rip, foot stomp, firework bit he does before a match, STILL!


Santino interrogates Chris Jericho about the identity of the GM, Y2J assures him that he’s not the guy and sends him on his way. The Big Show appears and tells Jericho that they’re not on the same page like they used to be, so be warned.


John Cena comes out before his match to plug MITB and to say he’s going to win it, yadder, yadder, yadder, buy my T-Shirt.


Kane & John Cena vs. Big Show & Chris Jericho is thrown out (for some reason) when Big Show interrupts a Cena pin attempt by dragging him off Y2J and to the outside. Big Show starts laying waste to everyone with a ladder he found until Super Cena saves the day with a ladder of his own. A stupid reason to ring the bell, but I guess it doesn’t matter as long as they have all the ladder spots on film to make a good promo with.


Backstage, CM Punk and Eve discuss AJ’s mental state while Santino crosses Khali off his list of potential suspects.


–World Title MITB Qualifier

Sin Cara Con Botch pins Heath Slater after hitting La Mistica. After the match, Slater calls out any former champion so he can beat them instead, Bob Backlund (eventually) gets into the ring and locks Slater in the Cross-face Chicken-wing.


The WWE Universe voted 75% for “Yes” to a match between Cole and Lawler and it’s next, double shit.


Michael Cole scores a DQ victory over Jerry Lawler. During Cole’s escape attempt, Booker T chucks him back in the ring, causing the GM to get involved and reverse the original decision of Lawler winning with the Air-plane Spin.


Santino Marella speeds to the ring with the discovery of the location of the GM, under the ring. Before he has a chance to take a closer look, he’s pulled underneath, Lawler is nearby to pull him back out and when he does, Hornswoggle is attached to his leg. This wasn’t the same train of thought that I was on, sadly. I was expecting a 1,000lb Jonathan Coachman palming the keyboard of a laptop that’s been lodged between two rolls of fat for years, but don’t worry, the mystery’s over, it was Hornswoggle the human anti-climax, again.


CM Punk & AJ are victorious vs. Daniel Bryan & Eve Torres. Eve was looking to tag out, but Bryan dropped down onto the floor and left her open for AJ to get a roll up. Post-match, the guys argue over who’s really looking out for AJ and who’s looking out for themselves so she slaps them both and skips away.


Afterthoughts.


AJ is still a terrible, terrible actress. If they’d send her away somewhere to get better it’d be one thing, but she’s still getting more and more time each week, not wrestling. I’m sure someone’s thinking that she’ll just eventually, magically “get it” one day, but I’m not convinced. She’s great in the ring and she has potential to be even better, that is obviously, if she gets chance to get better in that field, instead of finding it hard to talk and struggling to show more than three emotions. Additionally, her entrance music doesn’t really sell “nut-job” to me I’m afraid, she’d be much better off with a bit of Aphex Twin. Hopefully, the pay off for this whole thing is hitting us this Sunday, so she might dilute it down/improve it/forget it ever happened after that.


Seeing as there are only four matches set for MITB, a good job has been done giving each match adequate building. MITB matches are always fun and a lot of folk spend a lot of time on the edge of their seat while watching them. Both title matches have a lot going for them also, AJ being the wild card in one and destiny calling Alberto del Rio in the other.


Money In The Bank Card:


–WWE Title

CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan

(AJ as special ref.)


–World Title

Sheamus vs. Alberto del Rio


–WWE Title MITB

Chris Jericho vs. Kane vs. The Big Show vs. John Cena


–World Title MITB

Dolph Ziggler vs. Tensai vs. Tyson Kidd vs. Santino Marella vs. Christian vs. Damien Sandow vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Sin Cara


–Tag Titles

R-Truth & Kofi Kingston vs. Hunico & Camacho

(pre-show)


I reckon they’ll toss a Ryberg squash match in there somewhere, shame the tag match isn’t on the PPV too though.


As we get closer to #Raw1000, I’ve noticed that mostly everything that’s been booked for it so far are announcements, mostly. This hopefully isn’t a sign of things to come (2.5 hours of Raw each week filmed solely to make PPV promos) and that they’ll offer us well balanced portions of recaps/talking AND wrestling. One can dare to be optimistic, every now and then.


Digest and discuss! Thanks for reading, take care and I’ll see you next week.


Danny Damage

@BluntDamage (twitter)


BONUS! (That’s every week and no longer bonus but whatever)

  • The review sucked, The in 5 minutes video was the funniest shit going.

    FUCK THIS , IM OUT

    • Randomguy11555

      im with you dude, i only came here for the raw in five min.

  • I gotta admit… using Macho Man’s voice on AJ made me smile (RIP Macho Man ), as did the Spongebob Fanfare reveal for the Anonymous GM. OK, I marked out for Mr. Backlund also (man coached my HS wrestling team IRL). The rest made the last 1:20 of Dead Air look like Masterpiece Theatre. Great job, and look forward to next week’s edition!

  •   I love Bryan and Punk as much as the next guy, but AJ is currently the best thing going for the WWE at the moment. She’s been fantastic and a great character. Lately I’ve only been watching for the angle involving all three of them.
      
      Only thing I’m interested in this Sunday is the World Title MitB match and WWE title match. WWE money in the bank is such a waste. I always saw money in the bank as a way to push a younger star to the top. Let’s be honest, does Cena really need the briefcase..? No. He can just fucking come out and say “I WANT TO FACE YOU FOR THE TITLE. BECAUSE.” and he would be the number one contender.

      I have a feeling Bryan will win but they will cash it in on him and I will be fucking angry.

  •   I love Bryan and Punk as much as the next guy, but AJ is currently the best thing going for the WWE at the moment. She’s been fantastic and a great character. Lately I’ve only been watching for the angle involving all three of them.
      
      Only thing I’m interested in this Sunday is the World Title MitB match and WWE title match. WWE money in the bank is such a waste. I always saw money in the bank as a way to push a younger star to the top. Let’s be honest, does Cena really need the briefcase..? No. He can just fucking come out and say “I WANT TO FACE YOU FOR THE TITLE. BECAUSE.” and he would be the number one contender.

      I have a feeling Bryan will win but they will cash it in on him and I will be fucking angry.

    • Uncle Cletus

      There will be rage if Ziggler wins the WHC briefcase and then becomes the first person to fail to cash in

      Totally agree about the Punk/AJ/Bryan angle

      And yeah, more Brodus… I kind of think the point of the character is he’s a bit crap, but that might be overthinking it

  • Codster

    According to WWE logic, the AJ love story will end with her marrying Hornswoggle.

    • Cheezus

      This guy. He gets Vince.

    • Chris Pt93

      But he dumped her on NXT! (Yea, that absurdity actually happened already…)

  • Codster

    According to WWE logic, the AJ love story will end with her marrying Hornswoggle.

  • Am I the only one who wants to scream the words ”END THIS PLEASE” FUCK! over and over again whenever Aj is cutting a promo?

    •  Am I the only one who wants to scream the words ”END THIS PLEASE” FUCK! over and over again whenever a match between King and Cole is booked?

  • Am I the only one who wants to scream the words ”END THIS PLEASE” FUCK! over and over again whenever Aj is cutting a promo?

  • Djjaims

    Great 5 min video, laughed at almost everything this week!

  • Uncle Cletus

    Punk getting payback karma for dissin’ CZW?

    I believe they reinstated the little-utilised NWA rule of only one save allowed in a tag match for the Jerishow/Cena snorefest (that’s the one before the rule stating “Randy Savage can do whatever the fuck he wants in the Royal Rumble in the ACME Book of Pro-Wrasslin’ Rules”)

    Golden opportunity for a Sandow/Mr Bob Backlund segment wasted

    Santino’s Sherlock Holmes was less entertaining than K-Kwik’s… OTOH that was the most entertaining Khali has ever been.

    And I loved the explanation for why AJ was wrestling Eve… they exchanged some “unkind words” LULZ

  • Kam

    I think she was supposed to be selling nervousness over the impending proposal, but that segment dragged on WAY too long.  The second Punk was in the ring, she should have been all over him, talking about how he kissed her back, they were meant to be, yada yada.  say all of the stuff she said, only without the pauses.  Hit on him, then BAM get on one knee and propose.  You could cut a good two minutes of awkward pausing out of that segment and still get that big pop when she proposed.  She’s not a shit actress.  Her facial expressions are great.  She’s just got to work on her timing when doing in-ring promos.  Backstage, she’s gold.  In the ring, she gets a little flustered when she talks.

  • Kam

    Also, her entrance music is PERFECT.  The fact that it doesn’t fit a crazy girl is what makes it so genius. She skips to the ring like a cute lil’ girl next door, but she’s got a screw loose.  The cutesy music is perfect for her.

  • My GOD, that video mirrors EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT I was having during Raw. From the loooong pauses by AJ, to the “Will you marry me?” flashback to Macho Man Randy Savage, to the loooong unveiling of the ARGM laptop, to Cole reading the keyboard/script, to the silly “facts” they’re putting after commercials now, to the asinine match finish, to Bob Backlund taking fooooreeeeveeer to get to the ring, to the anticlimactic Hornswoggle reveal, to the AHHH FUCK THIS COMPANY!!

  • Dave Lasagna

    That 5 minute video is fucking tremendous.

  • PalaceOfWisdom

    I felt both shows were solid during the last couple of weeks (though you can for every RAW find someone calling it “the worst in years/ever”), but this weeks RAW was truly abysmal

  • PorkPiePusher

     I’m so glad I quit wrestling, these 4 mins per week is more than enough. Nice one Maff.

  • Cheezus

    Does this guy even know what a rant is? Maffew, is he blackmailing or bullying you into featuring on your site? Just wink once for yes.

  • Khiel O’Berry

    Sin Cara Con Botch, means Sin Cara with Botch. Or if you translate sin cara it means No face to botch.

  • Nuxy

    There are still crumbs of comfort in WWE. Christian and Del Rio are still great to watch and I have an appreciation for Dolph/Cody despite not personally liking them.

    I just don’t like the fact this love triangle, in it’s relative mediocrity is treated as something more and is also for the WWE title. It could do a job as something in these lulling summer months as a non-title thing.

    The world titles just feel like nothing at the moment, as much as The Rock gets flak for never showing up, he’s treating it with greater reverence than Punk did on Raw (he essentially said ‘Saying No to you might lose me the title, but meh’). Sheamus annoys me, possibly because I’m from the UK and his character has no depth to it beyond completely misrepresented terms from the British Isles (when was hooligans a term of relative endearment?).

    I kind of like Brodus, but I’m starting to get annoyed that every 2nd match on Raw lasts under a minute, sure you need a guy being built up for Cena/Big Show/Orton (etc) to crush, but do we really need Brodus, Ryback, Tensai, Cesaro, Sin Cara and Sandow all being guaranteed to win their weekly match on Raw or SmackDown! ?

    The good news from this utter shite week is I actually think Raw 1000 will be great, all the people there will be enough for me to enjoy it barring them completely fucking  it over (Hornswoggle being saved by the Rock, Taker wrestling a tag match with Cena and HBK being used as a ragdoll by Lesnar).

    The star power of such a show should be enough, and I think it will be personally.

  • ultrabeast

    Hornswoggle is the go to guy for tying up loose ends in WWE.

    This fact alone should tell everyone all they need to know about WWE in 2012.

    I hate myself for watching  actually, and this is the first time Ive felt this way about wrestling. Thank god TNA are around to show me its not wrestling I hate, its the gormless WWE brand that is putrid.

    I dont mind admitting I find CZW shows 100 times more entertaining than WWE (except NXT which has miraculously become a good show).

    And yet I will continue to watch WWE, just for the time when something good will actually happen.

    I thought Khalis cameo was the best part of RAW in case you were wondeing (phone?), but still not as great as when he guest commentated with Booker.

  • eugenesteamboat

    raw in five minutes… awesome as always.

    raw rant… better. I would still like more ranting during the recap. this is one of the worst raw episodes ever, you could have taken your anger waaaaaay further. not bad anyway tho.

  • Mateus Araújo

    Just a small question. What the fuck is Hornswoggle still doing at the WWE…? Serving as a very shitty walking punchline?

  • LOL at Cole + spongebob unveiling = Epic.. it worked well in that video

  • Socc

    Why can’t Vince have the laptop ACTUALLY WORK and have the script ON THE FUCKING SCREEN?!?!?!? Does their prop team not have the equipment for that? You have a massive titantron and 3 different minitrons that are fully operational, yet not have a WORKING LAPTOP WITH A SCRIPT ON THE SCREEN?

  • RAW was abysmal, I skipped the main event for the first time since Randy Orton and Edge where stinking the place up, lawls!