Now in tweet/miscellaneous thoughts form!

Sheamus gets his revenge on Sandow tonight. If I beat a guy every week for the past two months, I’d want to beat him one more time too. (Heels are faces and faces are shit in 2013)

WWE presents Payback For People Who Spent Good Money For A Non-Finish For Cena/Ryback. (See, a good story would have been ‘Ryback destroys Cena at Extreme Rules and claims the title, Cena rehabs and comes back, vows to destroy Ryback at his own match instead of ‘Non-Finish, Cena unharmed, challenges man-beast to a brutal match anyway.’)

Curtis Axel: Bobby Roode with Big Head Mode on.

Curtis Axel out-tans The Miz. He deserves a title for that alone.

The Miz, Wade Barrett and Curtis Axel. I bet ten good pounds that they’re in the same position on the card next year. If employed.

Barrett and Miz have been allegedly feuding for months. You could sum up all the exciting bits on a Vine video.

Curtis busts out the Hennig ‘get kicked and use the ropes to flip’ bump. Perfect emulation, he should call himself Mr. WAD. (Probably a bit too specific a joke there. Never mind, Google exists.)

That was Miz’s best match in years. Awesome finish, new champ and a white-hot crowd. Perfect. (Struggling to remember the last match Miz had that was that good. Probably that Three-Way TLC match with Punk and ADR.)

Curtis Axel stares off with Triple H. He should have broken the silence by singing the Mr. Perfect theme as loud as possible. (That seriously needs to be the next football chant for the crowd to ruin matches with.)

Michael Cole: ”And things would get worse on Smackdown.” YEAH, EVERY WEEK.

Apparently Kaitlyn/AJ is ”long-awaited”. So is my next Dentist appointment but I’m not clamouring for it.

Having said that, this was definitely the best Divas match in years. Gail Kim’s lit a fire underneath them, clearly.

Kaitlyn looks and acts like the lass in the club who’s just realised she’s a grenade.

Kailyn cries, camera zooms in…crowd chants ”YOU TAPPED OUT!” at her. Hilariously brutal. (You’d think WWE would know how fans in different areas will react by now. There’s no crying in wrestling, dammit.)

Kaitlyn cries backstage with other nameless divas. Everybody in the crowd: ”Oh, this is why I skip Raw.”

They should have gone all the way with Kaitlyn’s breakdown and had her tweet that Vince McMahon was ugly and she hated everybody but her cat.

Ambrose retains, RVD is returning and Sheamus was relegated to the pre-show. It was a good three minutes. (Ambrose/Kane was fine but not a lot to talk about other than the crowd loved Ambrose.)

Ziggler is naff on the mic and struggles with emoting. He’s still head-and-shoulders above ADR who has less lines than a pull-string toy.

Del Rio turns heel mid-match…by wrestling exactly the same. Says a lot about ADR. (He’s always super-aggressive in the ring, even when a face. Sorry, ‘face’.)

Ziggler losing the belt may have been the best thing for him. Crowd loved him after the match. (So they’ll ruin him by having him make lame jokes and be generally unlikable and…oh wait Ziggler does that anyway. In that case, nothing can stop him! Except kicks to the head.)

ADR as ‘The Heel Who Doesn’t Realise He’s A Heel’ looks like fun. If it works, he can make a stable with Jericho, Miz, Sheamus, Cena…

Can I pre-order the Irish Sideburns CM Punk action figure yet?

Jerry Lawler: ”They should add a fourth stage of hell: commentating with Michael Cole.” (Lawler would later call a Single Crab a ”Half-Nelson”, so not sure whose cock he’s sniffing.)

Orton heard RVD was coming back, so he warmed up by giving Rollins a concussion. (That was one ugly spot. Or maybe Rollins likes bumping on his head. ROH is a tough drug to give up.)

Jericho/Punk was a damn fine match in front of a damn fine crowd.

Punk’s GTS/Hulk-Up/GTS again was a beautiful finish. Punk’s Wolverine chops give him amazing regenerating techniques.

Still no idea why babyface Cena is challenging the huge dude who killed him to an OTT gimmick match. Other way around, surely? (And where’s Mark Henry? He beat Ryback at Wrestlemania, he’s higher up on the food chain.)

I hope the Ryback action figure comes with an ambulance. He can race my Turtlevan. (Where’s my mod for Crush Hour? Ryback’s Ambulance > Nash’s Quad-Bike)

Reading Powerslam Magazine while the Ryback/Cena MV plays. Their intense dislike for Jericho and Mark Henry is amusing. (I love Powerslam (natch, I write for them), but Fin Martin’s disdain for Jericho is legendary.)

Crowd enjoys chanting ”Goldberg” at Ryback so WWE sticks him with the Ambulance Match gimmick…which was a latter-day WCW idea. Huh.

Michael Cole: ”We’ve had some great Lumberjack matches over the years.” All I can think of is Cena/Sabu. (The replies on Twitter were all ”Diesel/Sid” which shows the standards of Lumberjack matches.)

Crowd chants ”You Both Suck” at Cena/Ryback. Was that a WCW wrestler? (Aye, Tank Abbott.)

Ryback gets mobbed by Lumberjacks so Cena dives onto everybody in one of those ”This doesn’t make sense but it looks pretty so yay” spots. (Sin Cara was on the outside of the pile and when everyone fell down, he paused a second then fell.I love you Cara.)

Cesaro is in his own Three Stages Of Hell on the outside. Losing Streak followed by Yodelling Gimmick followed by US Title Win.

In an ideal world: Ryback beats Cena two falls to none, then dumps him in the ambulance anyway. Laughing all the way. (He could have Cena in his ambulance for another month or so, just driving him around from town-to-town tied up. ”Look at your hero!” Then Cena recovers and beats Ryback in a Falls Count Anywhere match by driving the ambulance off a cliff. Ryback returns later on in the year as Super Ryback (with mask and chains), having sold his soul to Heyman so he can come back to life to avenge his losses.)

Powerslam Magazine will blame the low buyrate for Payback on Jericho. He’ll also get blamed for the Turkish riots and voting for Hubert Humphrey. (Did I mention Fin Martin hates hates hates hates hates hates Jericho?)

Ryback looks under the ring and finds the elusive Table-Gun and simply shoots Cena to win the second fall. (Or he makes a model Ambulance out of tables and scores both falls at once. And a BTEC in Design.)

I miss Jim Ross’ third hour throaty ”BAH GAWD TABLE SPOT” voice. Much better than Cole’s ”oh wow that just happened” monotone. (”Ryback just powerbombed Cena through the announce table. Oh and Cena’s head hit the floor too. Download the app.”)

If Ryback really is Goldberg, he should be more concerned with who the driver of the ambulance is. (You must be this old *points to sign that says ‘Twenty-Five’* to get this joke.)

Ryback punches a window out. THEY’RE EVEN GIVING HIM GOLDBERG SPOTS NOW. This is a joke at this point, right? (Just keep him away from Bret.)

Cena twats Ryback with an ambulance door and the commentators laugh. Mick Foley quit WCW for less than this. (For those that didn’t read Foley’s first book: He had a rematch with Vader in 1994 and got powerbombed on the concrete in a repeat of their 1993 stunner. The commentators made no mention of the previous match (that occured one year to the day of the match) and instead made tepid jokes. Foley saw the match when it aired and handed in his resignation.)

The commentators have to stop talking for a minute or so to stop laughing as the ambulance is destroyed. Your main event, folks. (The match died here. The story-telling went right out of the frigging window in favour of big, dumb spots. Just like Extreme Rules, except this time the commentator’s inability so stop laughing really hindered the match. If they can’t take it seriously, why should I?)

Same Ol’ Cena, Same ‘Ol Complaint: If you never lose/look vulnerable then there’s no tension and I don’t care about the match. (Which is why matches like Lesnar/Cena are so special: CENA SELLS! For a bit.)

They stole the finish from Awesome/Bigelow Ambulance Match? The measuring stick is buried so far down only Cesaro can see it nowadays. (And here it is!)

Overall: Aside from decades-old Cena complaints we’re all sick of typing about, Payback was a pretty awesome PPV. Even the Divas gave it their all, a sign of the end times if there ever was one. No bad matches, a nuclear crowd, title changes everywhere and ADR is slightly interesting again. Good times.

  • dennis

    muy buena, me rei todo el tiempo que lo lei. (o wait i forgot this is in english, dang)

  • dennis

    muy buena, me rei todo el tiempo que lo lei. (o wait i forgot this is in english, dang)

  • tmacman

    Sheamus winning is beyond me. I’ve tried searching for a reason in terms of kayfabe, but I just can’t find one. That hasn’t happened in a while for me, I can usually think of something, but all I keep coming up with is “Sheamus being Sheamus”.

    IC title match was pretty good, nice little finish. Most other matches were pretty good, although I’d say the Y2J/Punk match was a tad overrated, it had far too many slow points, but was still the match of the night.

    The Cena and Ryback match had some okay spots, but was your typical Cena match (Cena gets ass kicked, hulks up, against all odds etc.), this isn’t too surprising, Cena’s in the stale spot I don’t enjoy him in (as champ with a weak challenger), and that’s where the silver lining comes in: at least we’re done with Ryback and the WWE title. I’m not even too sure what he was doing there in the first place. Maybe now we can have a decent feud without WWE booking themselves between a rock and a hard place again…. Wishful thinking.

    • waltkovacs

      Sheamus winning was probably intended to be a “face wins the preshow dark match to pump up the crowd”, especially since the show was pretty much a string of heel wins before the main event. Of course, being Chicago, Sheamus was the heel in that match anyway, and Punk/Jericho was pretty much face vs. face.

  • Christopher Young

    To be fair, Fin Martin did have a point about Jericho’s attire. I wonder though, why so much hate for Y2J.

    They fucking hate Miz too. But that’s understandable.

  • Codster9

    So Ryback looks like Goldberg, steals Mike Awesome’s match, and has Scott Steiner’s theme music. There’s 3 Stages of Hell right there.

  • Ash Diggity

    If you’re sick of typing about it, then maybe stop watching wrestling, making terrible videos with nintendo music, and writing obsessively about it every week, you twig.

    • Loaded

      Then you’ll have nowhere to rage Ashley?

    • aaron316

      Arent you looking for the necronomicon?

  • ElSponge

    There is your Botchamania ending with Sin Cara. Watching the Cena match, I am instantly reminded of the beginning of the Mortal Kombat movie, where Johnny Cage looked at the one actor and said, “This is where you fall…” and then he realized what was happening, and flailed to the ground.

  • xaer0knight

    We even got a “Somebody call 911!” by Cole at Payback LMAO

  • Angry Bunny

    “Which is why matches like Lesnar/Cena are so special: CENA SELLS! For a bit.”

    My problem with Cena is that he sells TOO MUCH. Like every move that most wrestlers ignore sends him to the mat for half the match. Then he gets some offense going and goes back to the mat again. Remember the cage match with Big Show where he knocked Show off the ropes, and went to the mat for no reason at all? I want to like him, but he’s so damn boring.

  • Sanshiro Stunner

    It was nice of Alex Riley to let his dad take his place in that lumberjack match for Father’s Day.

    Wait, that WAS Alex Riley?

    Wow, Alex. What happened to you?

  • BlackPotato

    I’d agree with every word of that review. I paused and left the Cena match for day though. Nothing in it surprised me or interested me. Every other bit of the show was good though.

    It’s easy to tell that Ryback is a bad guy now. He has a hat.

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  • Kamil Bugajak

    Dear Abdullah. Please add this for the newest episode of BotchaMania 😀

  • MPT

    Who’s Mr WAD