Herb Abram’s UWF Fury Hour #5

October 29th, 1990

Taped October 11th, 1990

Reseda Country Club

Reseda, California

Commentators: Herb Abrams & Bruno Sammartino

Billy Jack Haynes vs. Gary Keyes

Herb describes Billy Jack as a ”real character” which is carnie for ”fucking nut-job.” Nameless jobber takes a German Suplex twenty seconds in and gets pounded like the new prisoner in Oz. It’s so one-sided Haynes stops to ask the ref ”this guy’s a pro, right?” Alright that was funny. The jobber tries striking Billy Jack but he doesn’t even blink before hitting him some more and ending with the Full Nelson.

Winner: Billy Jack Haynes (Complete squash but it was quick and I always approve of jobber humiliation.)

This block of TV is sponsored by Rocky V OH FUCK NO. Tommy Morrison was the only positive thing about that and it wasn’t in a good way.

Ken Patera vs. Riki Ataki

I know there’s a difference in appearance for ”physiques for strength” and ”physiques for looking good” but Patera doesn’t look like either and he’s billed as ”the world’s strongest man” like it’s still 1974. I mean, I still wouldn’t fuck with him but I’d definitely laugh then run away. This is from the same location as last week so Patera encourages the ”JAILBIRD” chants in an attempt to make them uncool. Doesn’t work. Riki keeps on avoiding Patera but Bruno reckons he has as much chance of beating him as Bruno has of doing fashion-walks in Milan. I think Bruno’s thinking about anything else other than this show. Dull plodding from Ken who sticks to basic big man schtick like bearhugs and stomps before eventually ending with a Full Nelson that’s so brutal, Riki passes out.

Winner: Ken Patera (A pizza hut a pizza hut, Ken Patera eats chicken and throws rocks at MCDONALDS MCDONALDS.)

John Tolos reminds us you spell ”wrestling” as T-O-L-O-S and oh yeah he manages a wrestler too, The Bounty Hunter. He announces Dan Spivey is in his group now. Camera keeps on zooming out and showing where the green screen ends so if you were wondering what Reviewtopia doing wrestling would like, here you go.

Paul Orndorff vs. Matt Starr

Orndorff’s still using U Can’t Touch This as his entrance music which is still the unintentional highlight of the show. Starr’s a rotund jobber that tries to out-muscle Paul but takes a back suplex early on. Paul hurls him outside just because he can and finishes with a Piledriver.

Winner: Paul Orndorff (Crowd loved Paul and the delayed Piledriver on the big guy was impressive.)

A weird advert for Gold’s Gym plays showing some of the famous people who use their gym like Ken Norton, Carl Weathers, Hulk Hogan and ROSEANNE BARR.

B. Brian Blair vs. The Bounty Hunter

Ah see with Spivey joining Tolos’ stable this is now a GRUDGE MATCH as Blair is feuding with Spivey who is too busy ”sunning in Greece’ to be here. Tolos gets more mic-time to say the same stuff as he did earlier because if you’ve gone to the effort of filming him backstage you may as well use it. Blair has been having issues with getting cheers from the crowd because Spivey is so much cooler than him but introducing his skimply-dressed valet called Honey suddenly gets the crowd on his side.

Blair takes Bounter down with a leg lock and keeps him there for a while, alternating between ankle locks. It goes on for so long Tolos gets bored and gets into it with the crowd. Bounter distracts the ref so Tolos can punch Blair and we get exciting offence from ol’ circus-mask for a bit until he misses the Bret Hart second rope elbow. Blair follows up by really awkwardly bumping the ref.

Blair gets his knees up on a splash attempt and locks in The Scorpion (deathlock). Tolos twats Blair but Honey uses a CATTLE PROD on Bounter so Blair can school-boy him for the win.

Winner: B. Brian Blair (This was dull until the ending wackiness. Bounty Hunter could have been literally anybody as the focus was all Tolos. Blair got cheered so I’ve seen worse on here.)

Post-match Tolos stomps away on Bounter and leaves disgusted. Bounter limps to the back as the crowd laugh at him and loudly call him a ”fucking wimp.”

Yet more Tolos as he rants away on Bounty Hunter, saying ”he couldn’t hunt for easter eggs” and ordering him to take a gun and shoot himself. Jesus mate.

The Viking vs. The Patriot

This’d be the first American TV appearance of the future Ludvig Borga, Tony Halme. He’d also appear in Die Hard With A Vengeance, Fist Of The North Star, UFC XIII and the Finnish parliament. Patriot is a guy in a mask, he’s not Del Wilkes. Viking is a good foot taller than him and destroys him slowly with power moves. It’s very move-wait-move until he finishes with a military press and a standing elbow.

Winner: The Viking (If Borga was as interesting in the ring as he was out of it he’d have been a star.)

Post-match The Patriot gets stretchered out as Herb gets excited at the thought he can’t breath and may be dying. Crowd chant ”911”, didn’t realise they did that outside of ECW.

Captain Lou’s Corner: Ivan Koloff talks shit about Nikita, saying he’s turned soft and he’s like Americans now. Ivan’s stubborn, it’s his old Russian ways BUT HE DON’T APOLOGISE NIKITA. Then Lou feels the need to drown him out because he talked shit about USA. This was a grizzly old bad-ass promo until Lou interrupted things like Opie.

Nikita Koloff vs. Ivan Koloff

Nikita sneak-attacks Ivan before the bell rings as he’s still pissed about the chain attack. And he destroys uncle Ivan and throws him out the ring so he can get the chain and throw it away so it won’t be a factor. Hey, smart wrestling! Nikita continues his Militsiya-style beatings until Ivan dodges a charge in the corner and Ivan goes to work. Nikita gets stretched until Nikita gets a cheeky roll-up but Ivan punishes him with a bear-hug. Nikita tries to drive his elbow into Ivan but every time he gets near, Ivan squeezes some more. It’s the most exciting bear-hug I’ve ever seen. Sadly the crowd goes dead when Ivan is on attack. We get a horrible edit as some move gets fucked up so we cut to the crowd but Bruno’s commentary is left in. I know this is low-budget but we’re reaching Troma levels here. Ivan misses a top-rope knee-drop which is pretty amazing considering it’s 1990. Nikita slams Ivan’s legs around the steel post at ringside and locks in a Figure Four for…the time limit draw. Urghhhhhhh. Both men recover and brawl at ringside like every other headline match we’ve seen in UWF so far. Ivan’s a pro though so he takes a chair-shot from Nikita and disappears into the crowd.

Winner: Nae cunt (Even though it was 3/4 Ivan working over Nikita, I didn’t mind this as both men were putting effort in. Especially Ivan who more closely resembled a coconut than a man but was still flying around like a mad man.)

Overall: Another week, another series of squashes headlined by a non-finish. Some of the guys were putting in effort (Orndorff) but there’s still no direction or reason to watch every week. Next time it’s Billy Jack vs. Ken Patera, joy of joys.

  • Leo Grant

    ”he couldn’t hunt for easter eggs” and ordering him to take a gun and shoot himself. Jesus mate.

    To be fair Maff that Tommy Morrison jibe wasn’t much better considering his HIV may have been what caused his death in 2013.

    • hey, I watched Rocky V. I’ll make all the bad jokes I like, nothing’s worse than that.

      • Leo Grant

        I wouldn’t go as far as to say it was bad just kind of cringey.