Herb Abram’s UWF Fury Hour #7
November 12th, 1990
Taped October 11th, 1990
Reseda Country Club
Commentators: Herb Abrams & Bruno Sammartino
A few weeks ago, Col. DeBeers refused to have a BLACK MAN referee his match against Billy Jack Haynes so tonight’s main event is DeBeers vs. Haynes II: Cry Freedom.
Herb Abrams & Bruno are actually at ringside for a change as there’s been a slight step-up in production and the wrestlers all have new graphics. It’s still miles behind every other 1990 company but it’s not lowest-level anymore.
Steve Williams vs Robbie Allen
Dr. Death squashes are usually a blast but Williams spends nearly all of this match punching and kicking Allen rather than bouncing him with suplexes because he’s supposed to be the bad guy in this Paul Orndorff feud. Oh I take it back, Williams gives the sorry bastard The Oklahoma Stampede on the ring-post outside.
” alt=”” />
So naturally the crowd cheers their arses off when Williams wins, even though they’re supposed to be booed because he took his sweet time with the jobber. But jobbers are for beating up, you know.
Winner: Steve Williams (Williams and Orndorff are allegedly feuding but if it wasn’t for the commentary, you’d have no clue. I’m guessing Herb forgot to book the two wrestlers to interact on TV so he’s filling in the gaps himself. I can imagine him occasionally looking at Sammaritano for advice and Bruno responding by staring at his watch.)
Larry Zbyszko makes his debut in a green-screen promo where he tells us
how the Invasion should have been booked he’s coming to UWF.
Bob Orton Jr. vs. Stephen DeLeon
Unremarkable squash that goes on for so long the crowd start cheering for the jobber. Then DeLeon gets a few lucky strikes and the place goes nuts, only for Bob to get his foot up on a charge to shut them up. Crowd still chants for the Superplex though so I have no idea if Orton’s a good guy or if the LA crowd are just drunk. Superplex finishes, crowd cheers, drinks are half-price.
Winner: Bob Orton Jr. (In fairness the Superplex is pretty.)
Post-match Orton bitches about his loss to Orndorff from a few weeks ago and he wants him NOW. Orton refuses to leave as we go to break.
B. Brian Blair (w/Honey Bee) vs. Louie Spicolli
Orton’s still in the ring as the wrestlers arrive for their next match so they politely tell him to sling his hook. He leaves with John Tolos as Herb asks”but where’s Dan Spivey?” before realising he doesn’t have an answer and shuts up. Anyway, this is Louie’s debut and it’s clear he’s better than the other jobbers on the show as he shows personality from the get-go. Louie gets sent outside after a monkey flip and gets a chance bugs out in front of Honey Bee, then deliberately messes up re-entering the ring. It’s like watching Larry Sweeney in his prime. Blair gives him a second-rope elbow then finishes with The Scorpion.
Winner: B. Brian Blair (Crowd were way more into Louie than the supposedly charismatic Blair, which is a running theme for the B. Bland Bore.)
Cactus Jack tells us to go appreciate the sites of NYC like the World Trade Centre before he shows up as he’s going to send ’em crumbling down. Let’s move on.
Cactus Jack telling New Yorkers in 1990 to not take the World Trade Centre for granted as he plans on knocking it down. pic.twitter.com/eJwkCw6Be5
— MaffewBotchamaniaGuy (@Maffewgregg) January 1, 2018
Capt. Lou’s Corner with John Tolos
Both guys yell LEMME TELL YA SOMETHING at each other for a few minutes as Lou continues to be the worst interviewer in the history of wrestling. This is filmed in front of a green-screen but the production monkeys still don’t understand you’re supposed to keep the camera still so the only thing I got from this segment was motion sickness.
Nikita Koloff vs. Spitball Patterson
Nikita tells us before the match he’s coming to New York soon and how the fuck did people think he was Russian with that accent? I know films like Goldeneye get criticised for having Europeans playing Russians but at least they sound like human beings. Spitball (great name) would play one of the non-Corporal Kirchner Leatherfaces in Japan. He’s bigger than Nikita but looks like a darts player so no wonder they put a bag over him. The big lunk beats up Nikita as the crowd chant for NI-KI-TA as UWF have finally figured out it helps to have some variety in these squash matches. It helps that Spitball doesn’t mind hamming it up with cheese on top.
Nikita knocks him around before taking him apart like Gorbachev dismantling the Soviet Union. By which I mean finishes with a Russian Sickle.
Winner: Nikita Koloff (WERY GOOD MATCH FROM COMRADE NUH-KI-TUH)
Paul Orndorff vs. The Grappler
The Grappler is some poor schlep in a mask so generic I’m not going to dignify this fine respected website with a screenshot. He dares to attack Paul before he finishes his entrance so Orndorff slaps him daft and gives him a suplex on the outside before nailing the piledriver in-ring to quickly finish.
Winner: Paul Orndorff (Paul’s delayed piledriver is one of the few reasons to watch this show. Match was so quick Herb couldn’t bullshit any Steve Williams plot into it.)
Col. DeBeers brings up the recent fire in Universal Studios, telling us fantasy has burned to the ground and we’re left with the reality of DeBeers being ”the greatest athlete in the universe.” Billy Jack tells us he cares about black people because he was babysat by blacks when he was little and tonight he fights for everyone (apart from the South Africans).
Billy Jack Haynes vs. Col. DeBeers
The match graphic reminds me of the Rey vs. Eddy Ladder Match so I’m assuming the winner of the match gets to take BLACK REF home with him. Billy Jack sneak-attacks DeBeers while he’s busy explaining to the referee that All Lives Matter. Billy Jack dominates to start so DeBeers gets to show off his Bump Off A Knee-Lift special.
DeBeers gets the advantage with a Snake Eyes across the top rope and follows by dumping BJ throat-first across the guard-rail. This is followed by several slow minutes of DeBeers on offence, consisting of The Col. doing something basic and BJ reacting like he’s been told to stop bringing coke into locker-rooms. Crowd are booing DeBeers so it’s fine. In fairness, this match has been fine but I’m tired. New Year’s Day and UWF mix as well as that parmo I had last night. Billy Jack hurls DeBeers off the top rope, sends him outside and connects with a knee-drop off the apron which is fairly crazy for Billy Jack (in a wrestling match, not in his life). BJ gets two from an awkward falling punch off the second rope. Only Hawk & Ted DiBiase could make that move work. DeBeers shoves BJ into BLACK REF but he recovers to see BJ lock in the Full Nelson, only for DeBeers to knock him down again for THE MAIN EVENT UWF SPECIAL DQ.
Winner via DQ: Billy Jack Haynes (If Haynes had won, racism would have ended in the state of California so thanks Billy Jerk for letting the state down.)
DeBeers argues with the referee and gives him a DDT. WHITE REF convinces him to stop but DeBeers is like ”but we’re on the same side!” If this was 1998, BLACK REF would have turned on WHITE REF and joined DeBeers, cutting promos about how he puts the African in South African.
Overall: A small step-up from the usual Tramadol-fuelled episode of UWF which was exactly what I needed this morning. I say ”morning” I mean ”8pm” but when you go to bed at 6am it counts.
Next week it’ll be Ken Patera main eventing so you know this’ll be a priority for me.