We’re on the way to Wrestlemania! So let’s talk about it and pretend this is a site that actually looks at modern wrestling without secretly wishing it was 1992 all the time.

HHH vs. Reigns

Oh nice, WWE’s re-doing the Lex Luger/Bret Hart thing from 1994…except er they’re going with Luger instead of Bret.

HHH vs. Reigns was probably their best option with the current injury fest they’re in. A rematch with Brock Lesnar could have worked as Reigns never got his rematch after last Wrestlemania, but they did it at Fast Lane so never mind. A friend vs. friend match with Dean Ambrose would only have only highlighted Reigns’ deficiencies and the Dean heel-turn everyone on Twitter was talking about a few months ago would be asinine. Sheamus was done before he even won the title at Survivor Series so at least shifting the title & MITB away from him saves us from The Darkest Timeline.

At least HHH has been presented as the all-powerful jacked-up final boss character of WWE for the last few years so he’s respected in a Kingpin from Spider-Man/Mr. X from Streets Of Rage/D-Mob from Def Jam: Vendetta kinda way. So he’s an easy bad guy for the good guy to beat and give us that feel-good Wrestlemania PPV moment, right? Like a parent trying to a feed an infant, the more WWE try to give the crowd Roman the more he’s rejected. But it’s still a dead cert he’s going to win because then it’ll really be for nothing if he frigging loses. Indeed, sites like SportsBettingDime have him at 3/7 odds to win. I know real-life gambling odds are hardly indicative of what fans feel but it’s ‘Mania season and it’s the time when those normal people watch WWE so it gives some decent insight.

And hey, maybe 93,001 fans (or whatever number they’ll claim) booing him may turn him into pissed-off Bret Hart circa ’97.

Interest Level: I won’t turn it off.

Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar (No Holds Barred Street Fight)

Now that’s a compromise. Ambrose needs something to do that isn’t lose to Bray Wyatt and Lesnar needs something that isn’t beat Bray Wyatt. It’ll be a hell of a match regardless but surely Ambrose is winning, right?

…right?

Interest Level: New Season of Game of Thrones hype.

Charlotte vs. Becky Lynch vs. Sasha Banks

Bit weird how this has transformed into a three-way rather than Charlotte vs. Becky finishing their feud, but Becky & Sasha have had good interactions while Charlotte’s been fucking around with The Bella That’s Leaving. Plus a three-way means 33 1/3 percent-chance less Charlotte.

Interest Level: Like the second season of Better Call Saul, I’ll forget all about it but when I’m reminded it’s back I’ll be happy to see it.

André the Giant Memorial Battle Royal 30-man Battle Royal

They still haven’t gone with my idea of having a NXT guy win a slot in this match by winning the NXT Big John Studd Memorial Battle Royal first. Bah. Well the trophy’s meant fuck-all since they introduced it and they’ll be lucky if they can find thirty men on the roster with all their original limbs. I see the Social Outcast exploding and Bo Dallas winning it because it’ll mean the same as anyone else winning it.

Interest Level: SHITTING TIME

The Usos vs. The Dudley Boyz
Dudleyz turning heel has given us gloriously dick Buh Buh again and for that I’m grateful. Sadly The Usos (like pretty much every other WWE good guy) do fuck-all other than smile and shill things in awkward backstage segments. So I’m looking forward to Buh-Buh’s promos and during the match I’ll make a sandwich during those dives The Usos do that hurt them more than their opponents.

Interest Level: The same anticipation I have for cleaning my George Foreman Grill.

The New Day vs. The League of Nations (Sheamus, Alberto Del Rio, Rusev and King Barrett) 4-on-3 Handicap match

Nice that WWE have realised New Day are a country mile ahead of every other tag team on their roster and so their plan for the biggest show of the year is to feud with four men who are either injured, leaving or Rusev. There’s not a chance in hell of The League winning so I’m not raving.

Interest Level for New Day’s intro & Rusev’s tweets: High
Interest Level for everything else: Low

Kalisto vs. Ryback

After decisively beating ADR twice on PPV and winning the U.S. Title, it looks like they’re just spinning wheels with Kalisto until the ‘real’ stars return from injury. I look forward to another match with the commentators reminding the viewers ”KALISTO IS SMALL, HIS OPPONENT IS BIG.” Ryback’s just a guy at this point and I’m amazed he’s missed out on the Andre Battle Royal.

Interest Level: I’ll be ordering my food during this match.

and er what was that other match oh yeah UNDERTAKER VS. SHANE FUCKING MCMAHON

I knew Shane had MMA business interests but I wasn’t expecting a Bellator main event to show up in the middle of Wrestlemania. Even with the shoe-horning of a Vince vs. Shane feud (with Undertaker as Vince’s attack dog, which is a weird role for him to be playing at this point), this will either give us Shane Leaping Off High Shit, Shane and Undi’ showing off their striking or the rest of Bullet Club will debut and help Shane take control of WWE. Or all three. Either way, it’s the most interesting match of the show in a ”what the fuck is this?” way.

Interest Level: Watching a NASCAR race where someone dies.

If that run-down sounds like I’m being overly negative, don’t forget about the NXT Takeover event!

Austin Aries vs. Baron Corbin
Aries makes his debut, Corbin ruins it with a clothesline because he hates indy guys. Regal wants to punish Corbin for his behaviour, but Aries demands a match instead because he’s a MAN.

Interest Level: Like hearing Tom Hardy’s doing a new film.

The Revival vs. American Alpha

Both teams are sweet, with Revival successfully defending against Amore & Cass twice on PPV and Alpha being OVER AS FUCK. I can’t wait to boo The Revival and chant daft things from my couch.

Interest Level: House of Cards Season 4

Apollo Crews vs. Elias Samson

Two guys who aren’t top-notch just yet as the Samson gimmick can’t hide the fact he’s pretty ropey in-ring. Crews needs something other than ‘happy smiley guy’, but at least he’s ready for Raw.

Interest Level: A big shrug.

Sami Zayn vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

OH YEAAOH

Interest Level: 

Bayley vs. Asuka

Surprised they’re not going for either of these two against Marie or Jax. Neither of them have had bad matches since making a name for themselves in NXT so I’m looking forward to this.

Interest Level: HYPE HYPE HYPE

Finn Bálor vs. Samoa Joe
Joe beat Zayn in a 2/3 Falls match that lasted an entire episode of NXT and Bálor’s been injured and not done much of note. Is this Joe’s time to crush Finn? ORDERTHEPPVTOFINDOUT

Interest Level: Not as excited for this as I am the rest of the card but it’s virtually guaranteed to be great.

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So, there’s a load of words on a screen. What are yours?